I hosted a prospective student last weekend, and as we sat in EBA's -- that pantheon of fine Italian cuisine -- it became increasingly apparent that he would attend Dartmouth. After all, his other choice was Cornell, so this would be a no-brainer for most carbon-based life forms (except for those residing in upstate New York). In fact, my prospect found Dartmouth's intellectual ambiance quite appealing and was excited by the Trustees' decision to turn fraternities into lecherous brothels. Our discussion on Dartmouth's eminence appeared to be coming to an end when he threw a curveball: "Cornell delivers food. Do they do that here?" I looked away in shame, my humiliation preventing me from gazing into his eyes. My embarrassment was only matched by his own disappointment. I hope he enjoys Ithaca.
The delivery of food by Dartmouth's distinguished eateries to student dorms is an important issue, yet one we have obstinately ignored. For example, I was shocked to discover that among the five principles of the Trustees', food delivery was nowhere to be found. They manage to abolish fraternities, but apparently delivering food to our dorms is "far out." God forbid, that might actually INCREASE student satisfaction. It is my contention that the infamous third principle (which mandated that fraternities be abolished and turned into "free love" zones) should have read, "There should be food delivery by Dartmouth's dining halls. Also, fraternities should not be abolished. Ever." However, the controversial food delivery issue continues to be swept under the rug.
The predicament is a profound one that needs to be addressed immediately. As busy college students, we cannot be expected to actually WALK to dining halls (the trek from Mid Mass to Thayer is a taxing one), much the less actually order food and wait in line for it. The time wasted getting food could be used for valuable activity such as studying, watching Anna Kournikova play tennis, to trying to stuff your fist into your mouth. It is ludicrous that with our already strenuous work loads, we are asked to actually get our own food. I suppose they will soon ask us to do our own laundry.
This article was spurned when a friend mentioned that Thayer actually used to deliver food. I have no idea whether this is true and frankly don't care. Researching the matter would be too boring, and I -- much like The D's news section -- have no qualms about printing factually incorrect material. However, if we are to attract premier students to Hanover, food delivery must be revived. For example, why should someone come here instead of Harvard, a school where silly social conventions like talking and human contact are discarded for more intellectual pleasures? But if Dartmouth had a delivery service, I think it would be a pretty hard place to turn down. Our slogan would be, "Hey, there are no more fraternities and you're sitting home alone on a Saturday night watching a Tae Bo infomercial. But at least you can order a slice of pepperoni/pineapple/tofu pizza from food court. Now that's coeducation at its best!"
Now, many of you probably have questions such as, "Are you seriously committed to this?," "Are you on Prozac?" and "When did you say those Tae Bo infomercials were on?" But I am more than just committed. I am so devoted to my convictions, that I am offering to become the first delivery boy -- should DDS decide to implement my ideas. Speedy, courteous and dedicated, I would quickly become a Dartmouth celebrity with my highly touted late-night deliveries that would make any all-nighter a pleasure. More than just a DDS slave, I would impart wisdom with every delivery, serving as an inspirational figure to Dartmouth, a sort of Russian Matt Damon sans the blond hair, looks or Boston accent. Chickenburgers and spiritual healing would become one under my guidance. A movie would be made of my DDS career which would be called "the feel-good movie of the year" and "a worthy equal to Weekend at Bernie's II." But I am just dreaming now. I can't save your fraternity, heal your relationship or do your Orgo problem set. In fact, I won't even deliver to the River, Choates or East Wheelock Cluster. However, I urge you to picket Parkhurst, hold candlelight vigils and do whatever necessary to revive food delivery at Dartmouth. Because, in the words of wise man, "food is good." And best when delivered.
