"An error of type-37 has occurred."
-- My Computer
Part I: How to Make Your Computer Swear at You:
Due to the great number of Macintoshes on campus, it is important to be familiar with their functions, especially those of the new model, the iMac(R)(C)TM. This formidable blue machine will help you in your three major computing functions at Dartmouth: 1) word processing, 2) e-mailing and 3) screwing around.
Let's examine the machine itself for a moment. You have everything in one package -- see that little hole in the top? It's a microphone. The disk drive is so compact that there isn't even one.
There are drawbacks to the compact format, of course. The CD-ROM drive requires you to snap the CD into the holder, and once the CD is loaded, it makes a noise reminiscent of a Boeing 747 taking off. In addition, some users may find it disconcerting to have a handle on top of their computer, as if it were a briefcase.
Word processing is a snap, of course, with Word 98. The grammar and spell checker is much smarter than you are and reminds you of this at regular intervals. You know what pisses it off the most? Incomplete sentences. I'm talking about. Sentences with. Fragments of. Phrases. You may also choose a helpful assistant, who will tell you what to do because it, too, is smarter than you. There is one choice that looks like Albert Einstein: it is an amusing assistant, but its frequent erotic gyrations are distracting. Go with the butler, Bosworth.
E-mail is easy and accessible with the program called BlitzMail. BlitzMail's only drawback is that it is easy and accessible. You will be lured away from your work often. The option of "Notify" means that whenever an important message such as "Sender: SheepTown ... Subject: Mcfood" arrives, you will be "notified" immediately. I have heard rumors about a "fake freshman" that the administration has planted in the Green Book and BlitzMail to catch frats through mass party blitzings, but I will update you when I investigate a little more.
Our third area, that of Screwing Around, is full of a vast array of opportunities. Here is something under "Screwing Around With What's Already on Your Computer": go to Control Panels, then Speech, and you can make your iMac speak alert messages and warnings of your own devising. I tell you, there is nothing more rewarding than hearing your computer call you an ass.
Screwing Around is enhanced by file sharing, which brings us to Part II: Internet and AppleShare: Sending your iMac Into the Jungle:
File sharing is the symbol of a beautiful concept: many iMacs united in a giant, happy cyberworld. Go to Chooser, then AppleShare. You'll see, listed by building, all of the sharing, caring, shiny happy iMacs at Dartmouth with files for YOU. Some examples: a) Super Nintendo and Nintendo Emulators and ROMs -- play all of your favorite old games right on your iMac and waste tremendous amounts of time, b) MP3s -- song files that turn your iMac into a ghetto-blaster, c) Measly little Mac games -- such as SlickWilly (control our President's head and gobble burgers and subpoenas), Dartmouth Defender (prevent our college from being destroyed by lasers) and Snood (a cult hit), and d) South Park and Austin Powers sound files -- "They killed Kenny" ... "Yeah, baby, yeah!"
The larger world of the Internet can be accessed through Netscape Navigator. It is a dangerous place -- stick to www.dartmouth.edu and www.weather.com.
Part III: Coping With Your iMac and Apple:
As with any pet, the iMac has specific needs and desires that must be fulfilled by you, the owner. It needs sleep often, so always set your iMac to sleep when you leave. Feed it a CD once in a while and listen to the jet engine sounds it makes while it chews. And finally, stroke your iMac. Frequently.
Use caution when dealing with your iMac's parent, Apple, Inc. A friend who I'll call "Rey" was so incensed by Apple's bureaucracy that he sent them a letter calling them both "a faceless corporation" and asses. He did not anticipate the company's swift and venomous reaction: as of late, he has reportedly been stalked by a strange man calling himself "iMack the Knife" and has found apple cores in his bed.
Part IV: Conclusion:
Your iMac is an odd-looking blue machine that lets you waste copious amounts of time fooling around. Use it well, Daniel-san.
