'Who does Number Two work for?"--Austin Powers
I thought the subject of my first editorial for the oldest and most respected college newspaper in the universe should be about something important. That is, something pressing in the lives of all Dartmouth students, indeed college students the world over. Then, I struck gold.
I realized that single-ply toilet paper is only used in Third World Countries and dorm hall bathrooms.
This has to stop ... here is the battle cry for all Dartmouth students: "Two-ply or die!" In fact, it's New Hampshire's motto, and can be seen on license plates. While this issue may not be the number one concern in our minds, I feel that it is definitely Number Two. For, we must treasure our rights. We must stand up for when we sit down. Every Dartmouth student needs to make daily use of toilet tissue. The biology majors can tell us this, as well as the friendly people staffing Dick's House. We are not asking for the lap of luxury, merely toilet paper that one cannot read one's homework through. Indeed, as I sharpened my investigative skills and pilfered an empty wrapper from the lavatory, I discovered the name of our supplier: Georgia Pacific. I wondered just who she was and why she was making single-ply toilet paper. The wrapper advertised that the toilet tissue was "Safe for Septic systems." I wonder, I just wonder: are Dartmouth students more important ... or our precious septic system?
Unite, Big Green, for the Big White Throne! We must not be repressed in the most holy of our sanctuaries. Why else do we term our friend the toilet a "throne?" Every man feels like a king and every woman a queen with two-ply toilet paper. I'm sure any would agree. The toilet is spiritually significant, symbolizing a catharsis, and ... um ...
Anyway, the history of the toilet is entwined with the very history of our college. The favored nickname of the toilet, "John," came about in honor of one of Dartmouth's co-founders and benefactors, Governor John Wentworth. It is reasonable to say that as Dartmouth grew, its lavatory facilities grew with it, propelling the college into the Ivy League. Daniel Webster said, "It is a small college, sirs, but there are those who love it and its facilities." In fact, his two greatest achievements were: 1) defending the college all the way to the Supreme Court and 2) spearheading the movement for a superior septic system.
In light of the rich history of the toilet at Dartmouth, we should concur that two-ply toilet paper is not an unreasonable request. I am surprised that there is not an alumni fund for this very cause. I propose that the students of Dartmouth, if they should decide to join but one worthy cause this year, should take up the cause of the two-ply. Can you picture the peaceable rallies, the silent and determined men and women of the Lone Pine? I can see it. Cheeks flushed with indignation, wiping tears from their eyes, dumping their righteousness before the Administration. Someone begins to play "Do you hear the People Sing?" on a piano. Then, from among the crowd, a beautiful chant emerges.
People of all classes, ethnicity, social and monetary status, sexual preferences, right-handed and left-handed people, people who like Neil Diamond and people who do not, Environmental Studies majors and loggers hand in hand, all singing and swaying together ... They are united by a common want, a common need. It is something fundamental that touches all of us -- two-ply toilet paper.
Join the movement. Or better yet, make your own.
