I would like to thank Robert Sutton for unveiling, to the benefit of all students and faculty at Dartmouth, his "Capitalist Column," in which he will present a view of events around the world through the eyes of a capitalist. Sutton is an ardent believer in the merits of capitalism and not, as some have mistakenly believed, the president of the '80s Preservation Society (though I do believe that he is a member in good standing). As a comrade-in-arms with Sutton, I realize that capitalism is a beleaguered force in the world today.
We capitalists, long on faith but short on numbers, are constantly the target of those ever-present and ever-belligerent Communists, who are poised to dominate the entire world if we don't move to halt their advance. Anti-capitalist movements have been found to be responsible for the repression of human rights in China, the Pope's visit to Cuba, the hole in the ozone layer, the Student Assembly's Visions Project and other such atrocities. Consequently, defenders of the faith must strive to ensure that our voice is heard. Sutton, the Messiah of capitalism, aims at nothing less.
I stand with Sutton when I say that I am a capitalist, and as such, I would rather be blown away in freedom than rot away in chains (to paraphrase his expression). Yet I must admit that, at times, I find the task of watching the ramparts of liberty a daunting task. Those ramparts are constantly barraged with an assault of criticisms. "How can you believe in such a system? How can you justify such gross inequities in wealth? How can you condone community serfdom and other such egregious acts?" Not for the faint-hearted is the task of promoting capitalism!
The anti-capitalist threat is imminent not just outside the United States. Sutton was clever enough to point out that this fight is fought against America's own educational establishment -- including Parkhurst. As many of you dear readers are, I'm aware that institutions like Parkhurst are very capable of strangling our liberty and leaving us to rot in chains. Sutton, therefore, comes to the conclusion that we must abide by Thomas Jefferson's noble (though quite obviously flawed) notion of liberty, which is only serviced by capitalism in its most pure form -- known in academic circles as "Suttonian economics."
What, you may ask, does such an economic system entail? I realize that trying to speak for the Great Sutton is a blatantly arrogant thing to do, and I would hate for anyone to associate my arrogance with that of the Humble Lord Sutton. But, nevertheless, I will try:
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We must end all traces of a welfare state. Odds are that the unemployed probably have little to contribute to society anyway. The poor deserve what they get. I mean, who are you going to blame for their situation? Society?
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We must abolish all religion. Instead, what we must do is all become members of the capitalist party. We could then hang portraits of him on our walls, pay our dues to his great organization and let him lead us in the laissez-faire capitalist Eden that our country will become. So long, slavish devotion to an outdated and irrelevant dogma!
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We must abolish all attempts to alleviate certain social problems. I'm not just talking about affirmative action here. I'm tired of not being able to park in handicapped spaces. I mean, they're always the best spaces, and why should I have to walk all the way back to my car? They have wheelchairs!
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We must allow the economy to be dictated entirely by market forces. I cannot stress this enough. Imagine how happy everyone will be when there is no minimum wage, five year-olds will be able to get jobs in factories, and food processing industries need not be hassled by pesky health regulations? That's the world for me!
There are, indeed, many other changes which we can bring about. But there is a long road ahead of us, and the battle will not be easy. We are countered at every turn by Commie Pinko Fascists, such as Marx, Keynes and Alan Greenspan.
I remain firm in my conviction, however, that together we can reverse the current trends; we can make America and the world -- dare I dream the impossible dream -- capitalist! What's more, we can do it without worrying about how many people we step on in pursuit of our mission. That's a world for me!
