Once upon a time, I held high hopes for Warner Brothers' "The Avengers." I had enjoyed the few episodes of the TV show that I had caught on A&E. I thought the casting of Ralph Fiennes, Uma Thurman and Sean Connery was brilliant.
But as the release date drew closer more rumors of mediocrity leaked from those in the know. Finally, Warner Brothers refused to preview the film for critics, ensuring no reviews until the following week, always the sign of a dud. Well, folks, the signs are true. "The Avengers" is a trippy waste of celluloid that spent far more time, money and energy on production design than on a script, solid direction or reasonable performances.
The plot of "Avengers" is truly asinine. A villain (Connery) gets control of the weather with a secret government device. England knows something's wrong when their weather shield collapses. What's more, it seems a young doctor by the name of Emma Peel (Thurman) is responsible.
Agent John Steed (Fiennes) is an agent of The Ministry, a fictitious British spy organization. He is assigned to work with Emma Peel, either to prove her guilt or clear her name. The stupidity of this little storyline need not be overly analyzed. But honestly--threatening London with bad weather? Not a good plan, Mr. Supervillain.
From there, things only go downhill. While "Avengers" is a visually stimulating movie with some truly inspired (and insane) images, almost every other part of the movie is lacking. John Steed is particularly flawed. Intended to represent the pinnacle of the English superspy, Steed is supposed to be smart, gentlemanly and able to dispatch any villain in time for tea.
Well, he is those things, but Steed has difficulty winning any fights except those against the lowliest lowlifes. Steed is portrayed as a fop, pure and simple. Moreover, he lacks any kind of sex appeal. It is impossible to believe that the catsuited Thurman would ever fall for the bowler-hatted likes of Steed.
Uma Thurman, on the other hand, is a treat. The only good thing about the idiotic Uma-clone subplot is that never before seen Uma-on-Uma catfights can finally be viewed by the thousands of adolescent males dying for such a sight. Thurman does a solid job as the irrepressible Peel, her English accent as good as any Hollywood American's.
She is by far the more interesting of the two. It's a little disgusting to have to watch her beguile the 67-year-old Connery with her 28-year-old seductive ways. Aside from that and the stilted script, however, she's quite enjoyable.
The script is really the fatal flaw of this film. Instead of the intelligent high-minded dialogue one would expect from a pair so literate and upper crust, we get lines that could have been conceived by seventh graders looking to score.
Example: "Why, Steed, if I didn't know better, I'd say that was a kiss!" "I needed to be sure you were the real Mrs. Peel. Sort of hard evidence, if you know what I mean."
Is this "The Avengers" or "BASEketball?" Screenwriter Don MacPherson seems to believe that English accents and verbally played chess equal erudite flirtation, but he is sadly mistaken.
The only area where "The Avengers" catches up to (and even exceeds) its television predecessor is in creating the wild acid-trip atmosphere of the show. From the opening sequence of unfolding clouds to the M.C. Escher inspired maze that Emma finds her way into to the magnificent floating transparent beach balls that our heroes cross a river in, the imagery of "Avengers" is unique and interesting.
The movie might be worth seeing only for the scene where Connery sits his fellow conspirators down for the age-old villain plan-describing chat, a scene that's equal parts Grateful Dead and Wall Street. Despite the few good things about this film, it is ultimately sad to see so much acting talent wasted on such a dud of a movie. It's hard to understand how actors as savvy as our primary troika would sign off on such a script, filled with inappropriate one-liners and a general lack of civilization. Most of all, the whole affair must be quite sad for Sean Connery, once the ultimate English superspy.
