No, this is not some joke about a little kid's desire to be part of a hair-care appliance. It's about fame, pride and love for your country. This is the Olympics people, get with it!
The uneducated call it shuffleboard on ice. But then again, how many of us really know how to play shuffleboard? I say you should picture bowling where the pins belong to both you and your opponent. Or rather, horizontal darts on ice, with big Fisher Price tea kettles as pucks.
Personally, I like to refer to it as over-hyped house cleaning.
Curlers deliver with a spin, or "curl" a 42-pound piece of polished granite. The stone slides across the ice to a target 38 yards away while teammates furiously sweep away frost and moisture in front of the stone to keep it from losing speed; else they stop sweeping to make it slow down. I can see it now, a fraternity brother comes downstairs from watching some Olympic curling highlights and becomes inspired to make a pledge brother demonstrate his curling skills on the house living room floor.
In the real game, the sweepers follow the strict guidance of their pledge trainer ... oops ... I mean team captain, called the "skip." He or she is the chessmaster at the other end of the ice, thinking several moves ahead, directing stones to strategic spots where they will help later in the match.
Both teams have eight shots. So at the end of a round, there could be 16 stones in the target area, called the "house."
The only one that matters is the one closest to the center. That team scores a point, and the other team doesn't score any. The winning team racks up another point for each stone that is closer than the opponent's closest stone. This is repeated ten times, with each one named an "end," similar to an inning. An average match lasts about two hours, during which curlers will walk the equivalent of two miles.
While the United States doesn't stand a chance at this year's Olympics, we can only hope that this year's Olympic coverage will lead to increased interest in the sport. For instance, how are we supposed to send a competitive team when great institutions such as Dartmouth do not provide any facilities to practice? Don't get me wrong, I have no idea how you train for curling ... But, when can we take curling for PE or have curling intramurals? Believe me, the participation would be astounding. Even more frustrating, the other day I tried to go out and curl a little bit with some friends. Well, Occum Pond would have nothing to do with it. I couldn't even rent any curling equipment. Dare I scream oppression?!
If this sport catches on in the States, and believe me I'm sure it won't, we could one day have a new outlook on life from an early age. Kids won't dread having to go outside and sweep off the porch or driveway. In fact, they will fight over it! What about chores? Oh baby ... they will get done in no time as children will work to see who can sweep faster and therefore prove themselves as future curling stars.
Okay, maybe I'm going a little too far here. I don't want to come across as being a lowly curling cynic. The sport deserves a chance. It's really too bad that CBS doesn't plan to televise any curling during its 160-some hours of Olympic coverage, because the athletes who populate the U.S. team are as eclectic as their sport. Two are nearly 40 and have four children apiece. One has a weakness for pizza and potato chips, another trains on meatloaf and greasy cheeseburgers.
Hey, is this the Wednesday night bowling club, or a U.S. Olympic team?
One reason the sport is unknown to most Americans is that it is centralized in Minnesota and Wisconsin. Fargo, anyone? Most curlers begin by playing with family members at local clubs -- some of which have existed for 150 years. Many still play weekly at those clubs to stay in competition shape for weekend trips to major meets. It's only when these curlers venture into Canada, where the sport is wildly popular and nationally televised, that they begin to feel like real athletes. "Sometimes we sign 200 to 300 autographs up there," said U.S. curler Myles Brundidge. "It almost makes us feel like professional athletes."
Unfortunately for American curlers, it looks like Canada is going to have to continue to be the closest place where they are treated as professional athletes. In the states, being a pro-sports icon takes so much more than just competing. Curlers need to get a little controversial. Well, actually, they probably just need to find a more exciting sport.
As for now, I'm going to have to go with the advice David Letterman gave to Brundidge. "Want attention? Start fighting like hockey players."
