I am now 20 years old, and it scares the crap out of me. I've been kind of dreading this moment for awhile.
The meaning of a birthday has changed for me over the years. Every year before, when I got older, it was a cause to celebrate. There would be presents, cakes and wishes of happy birthday. When I was 14 years old, I couldn't wait until I turned 15, so that I could get my driver's permit. I couldn't wait until I turned 18 so that I could vote, smoke and do things that I was not allowed to do before that age. That's not the case anymore.
When I was a child, I always wanted something for my birthday. There would be something that I would beg my parents to buy for me. Every birthday would mean that I would get something I wanted. Amazingly, for the last few years, I don't ask for things anymore. I have everything I really need. Sure, new skis would be nice, and a Corvette would be nicer, but I can do without them. My parents, understandably confused, now give me enough money to buy whatever I want. I never thought the day would come when I didn't nag my parents to buy me something.
I am not sure why we celebrate our birthdays. Every year, we get older and older until we wither away into nothingness. We are actually celebrating the slow process of dying. It's strange for me to think of it in those terms. Maybe, way back in the past, people celebrated the fact that they managed to live another year. I guess with the lack of modern-day medicine and general ignorance about things, it was a miracle for a person to live past childhood.
After a bit of self-reflecting, I think to myself: what have I accomplished with two decades of life? Honestly, I don't remember the first half really well. The '80s were a big blur for me. Let's see -- I was born, grew up, went to school and now, here I am at Dartmouth. I don't remember saving anyone's life. I didn't astound the world with a brilliant feat or change the course of history with some amazing accomplishment. Let's see -- I have negligible income and currently live in a 150 square feet room. I mostly eat cafeteria food and don't have a car up here. And I live in the River. Pretty depressing. Maybe my years of volunteering brought smiles to some people's faces, but I wouldn't write that in the history books.
As a kid, I always wanted to be an adult. I guess now I am an adult, and I wish I could go back to being a child. Too many responsibilities as an adult if you ask me. I guess this means that if I am convicted of a crime, I can't go to juvenile hall. Whenever I screw up, my parents usually cover for me and help me through it. The thought of being completely responsible for myself scares me. As a kid, you have it pretty easy. You can get away with a lot of things because you have an excuse: you're just a kid. I am not even a teenager anymore.
I don't think anybody can really see themselves as old. I can't imagine myself with a job, a family and 2.5 kids. I can't imagine seeing myself paying the monthly bills and doing the nine-to-five thing. Soon, I will be doing things I couldn't picture myself doing.
My family has never been too big on birthdays, and I am not either. Usually a birthday would be a small family event with some close friends invited. I don't usually broadcast to my friends that it ismy birthday. Too pretentious if you ask me. The excitement of birthdays are gone. I guess turning two decades old really has a sobering effect. I no longer see the point of celebrating my birthday.
Back where I grew up, they have a saying. Never lament how old you've become in front of those older than you. If my parents or grandparents could see this column now, they'd scorn me and threaten to cut my allowance.
Today I got a check from my parents and grandparents and the usual e-mails and calls of happy birthday from a few close friends back home. I should be happy, but I would give all this money up to be 12 years old again.
