Since my engagement last spring, a num-er of my friends have asked about my approach to relationships -- an approach which, I suppose, has been more fruitful than those of most 21-year olds.
Because questions about relationships seem to occupy the minds of many Dartmouth students, I have decided to chip in my two cents by presenting my list of preconditions for a successful relationship. Please understand, however, that my perspective is that of a heterosexual male and thus is probably not useful for women or non-heterosexuals.
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One must be certain of the meaning of life. If you are heading to law school because you need to waste three more years in academia before you are thrown into the real world, then you're definitely in trouble. If you're still trying to reconcile the conflict between science and faith or any other metaphysical/ethical predicaments -- however noble such introspection may be -- you will also fail miserably in your search for a relationship. Most women are practical and have little tolerance for abstractions that have no ground in reality. Besides, knowing the meaning of life gives one self-confidence, without which you cannot expect to sustain a relationship.
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One must be knowledgeable about a wide range of issues. You must be familiar with most contemporary debates, as well as with less intellectual matters like popular music, sports, movies, etc. Reading literature is a must, but avoid getting too much into depressing 19th-century Russian authors or wacky 20th-century French existentialists.
A good sense of humor that is cleverly woven into such knowledge is a plus. Having a diverse knowledge is critical because you would otherwise bore your date. Haven't you heard women sigh, "You know, Todd is so cute and is a really nice guy, but we can't seem to get beyond 'Hi' and 'How are classes?'" Beware! They might be talking about you..
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One must constantly view one's relationship from a long-term perspective. I know that a number of young adults treat each relationship as a trial -- a way to ascertain the qualities they find attractive in their partners, in the hope that the more they date, the better they become in finding the "right" woman. I find this heuristic to be fundamentally misguided, for the "right" woman does not exist. A man is compatible with more than one woman, and part of the joy of a relationship is the mutual learning of each other's individual identities. If you find an attractive woman who also reciprocates your feelings, then make a sincere effort -- at least until irreconcilable differences arise -- at nurturing the relationship.
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One must be prepared to sacrifice some aspects of one's life. As long as you're chasing your glorious dreams, your partner will wonder how she fits into your grand scheme of life. Most women around our age are frequently bothered by issues concerning family, particularly in its relation to their careers. This is so for the obvious reason that family burdens fall disproportionately on women, yet a lot of men are clueless about such distinctly female issues. A relationship can bloom into a lasting one only if you see these difficulties and assure your partner of your unwavering support by sacrificing your selfish ambitions.
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One must be sensitive. I have noticed that men unconsciously commit acts that are degrading to women. It is, of course, challenging for men to change behavior that has solidified over many years. But try your best to put yourself in the mind of your partner, so you may see when she is feeling uncomfortable with any of your words or actions. The more you undertake this mental exercise, the more sensitive you will become.
Having presented my guidelines on relationships, however, I find that a qualification is in order. Implicit in the above "words of wisdom" is the assumption that you are seeking a partner with whom to share an intellectually and emotionally stimulating life. But a significant portion of men, I am aware, seek relationships only to satiate their erotic desires. On the other hand, plenty of women do not mind being treated like meat by men whom they find irresistibly powerful because of their riches and/or social status. If you belong to this category of men, there is no need to heed my advice.
My final note is that the element of luck, as is always the case, plays an exciting but frustrating role in any relationship. Without it, even the most decent man may have to wander for years in search of a life-long companion!
But never forget that Machiavelli believed that fortune -- which, incidentally, he described as a "woman" -- dictates only half of every human outcome.
