I've Got Issues ... but, then who doesn't have issues these days? It's such a fun word to say; why not have issues too?
Anyhow, what is my issue, you might ask. It varies, but my issue right now is being in-between. In-between everything. Not quite here nor there -- simply stuck in the middle.
To be in college is supposed to be indicative of a period of liminality. (Yes, I took Religion 1!) All cultural norms are suspended and anything -- even utter chaos -- can replace them. This period of liminality delivers someone to his or her life with an abrupt closing ceremony called graduation.
The trouble with this idea of liminality is that it does not preclude responsibilities, expectations, and commitments. This is where the in-between issue comes into play. We are called adults here -- a definitive end to the wondrous simplicity of childhood -- and expected to perform as such. But I just don't feel like an adult. And I don't want to be an adult.
Still, expectations persist: I am not a kid anymore. I have to pay bills and plan ahead and make mature decisions. Of course all of this is ok with me (I certainly don't want anyone else to be making decisions for me); I just feel caught in between adulthood and childhood, not fitting comfortably into either.
This discomfort is similar to how I feel about the whole girl/woman thing. All my life I have been called a girl; that's just who I am. Even the bathroom doors and my basketball practice shorts from high school agree. Yet somehow, during the three months between high school and college, I was magically transformed into a woman. Who decides this, and why wasn't I let in on the secret? OK, so admittedly I'm 19 years old. Clearly, I am not a girl. But I certainly do not feel like a woman. Moms and professors are women. I am not a woman. I don't think I'm cultured enough to be a lady ... the word "gal" is way too antiquated for me ... I've heard "doll," but that doesn't do it for me either ... I don't mind 'chick,' but it doesn't do much to promote the viability of feminism. So, here I am, stuck in the middle again. No longer a girl, not quite a woman.
My age also confines me to middle ground. What's fun about 19? Not much. You're not 18 anymore, so the newness of voting rights and cigarette buying privileges has worn off, but you still have another two years before drinking and gambling become legal. At least with 20 your first digit changes and you are no longer a teenager. Nineteen sounds old (didn't you think, when you were 14 or 15, that 19-year-olds were ancient and past their prime?), but it doesn't come with anything fun. So, again, I find myself in another holding pool ... this one two years long.
College relationships fit into the in-between stage too. This is probably the last time in our lives when we won't have to pay for our actions ae random, drunken hook-ups often don't have too many serious ramifications. College is all about experimentation; however, while this is true, the intangible pressure to find a "mate" persists. After all, when else will we be able to choose from a pool of 4,500 possible candidates? We all have friends in serious relationships, and we all know plenty of people our age getting married or having kids. How do they know they are with "the one?" How long should they stay together before deciding the relationship isn't right? Is it ok to live with minor incompatibilities, or should we instead develop a screening process and only date people we could envision marrying? This puts us in between again. Is it time to be choosy and selective in looking for a lifetime partner, or can we still experiment and date for fun?
Another in-between issue is determining a definition of '"home." Is home the place where you grew up, the place where your parents and friends are? Or is home Dartmouth? We live here for the majority of the calendar year, but still there remains that connection to a hometown. Thus I find myself bouncing from one to the other, grounded by neither.
So you see, I've got issues. What, then, is my resolution? Who knows? Maybe the answer is to just wait out these in-between years and let time take care of it. I think, instead, that I will opt for taking advantage of where I am, right here, right now, and do as much as possible to ensure my happiness. I've still got issues, though ...
