Julie, you've got to help me. Y'see, I like this girl, but um, I don't know. We had lunch and she blitzed me but then I haven't blitzed her back and it's been a week but I really like her and ..."
"Oh Julie! I met the scariest girl in my bio class. She said I look like her father! Translate this for me..."
Men know what women are thinking? Sure, Matt. So the three sadly bewildered guys who came to me last week pleading for love advice were... looking to sell me something? Making use of my extensive knowledge of 80s music?
Unexplainably, I seem to be going into business as Julie Sloane, female advice agent extraordinaire. (Cue theme music). I even got a random blitz yesterday from a lovelorn lad in Florida who poured out his troubles to me because he liked my web page. Poor young man. You want to see into the complex, unfathomable minds of women? Sure. Twenty dollars. Oh, alright, the first time's free...
The bottom line is that women want to be desired, appreciated and loved. (Oh is that all)? We want all the buzzwords that make Dartmouth men cringe and run back to their Sony Playstations -- sincerity, trust, respect, understanding, pecs. Flirting with our best friends, showing up two hours late and forgetting our birthdays (all scenarios I've seen right here at Dartmouth) are not the ways to a woman's heart.
On the other hand, women are suckers for thoughtfulness. While no woman is going to turn down an expensive gift, doing something original with even a remote trace of caring will give a woman something to coo about to her friends for weeks. Last year, a friend of mine was whisked away to Boston for dinner and "a single pink flower was lying on the seat of the car." (I'll now pause for a moment and allow you to gag). As much as we think men want women as pretty ornaments to show off to their friends, women love to tell stories of how "sweet" their boyfriends are.
Am I being a wee bit idealistic? Alright, I'll admit the phrase "Ooh, he's a hottie!" may have slipped out of my mouth on occasion. Until men start tattooing their good qualities to their foreheads, we have to look at what's there naturally. And women are definitely under the impression that appearance matters to men. Scorching one's hair into shape with a curling iron, dodging a painful slip with an eyeliner pencil, and worrying over runs in pantyhose aren't things we do for enjoyment. And these ever-so-trendy high-heeled black loafers? I refuse to believe that every third female on campus is wearing them because they're good in the snow.
Yet dating a Ken or Barbie doll would be pretty darn boring, although you could conveniently squish their heads in if you were upset. While personality is key, women definitely try to imitate the ideal female. So the myth goes, she's thin with, shall we say, well-placed body fat. More often than not, she's blonde. (I believe my columnist photo fully expresses my bitterness). She's got beautiful straight white teeth, big blue eyes and giggles in that sweet way that makes men melt. Yes, all women hate her.
So what are we thinking about Valentine's Day? The vote is split. My roommate has plastered red paper hearts all over our room while I've taken a felt-tipped pen and changed my little candy message hearts from "kiss me" to "inject me" and from "cool" to "goop." I sent my valentines out on Jan. 25, because I think expressing love and friendship is nice, but shouldn't be a once-a-year event dictated by the florist council of America. Then again, who am I to refuse chocolate...
The truth is, Valentine's Day isn't all that important in the grand scheme of things, but women are always flattered to see that our friends and significant others care about us. Because whether it's platonic or serious, I think men and women alike just want to know they're loved.
