To the Editor:
One of the biggest problems with gender issues is that one is always a member of one group or the other and it is difficult to be neutral. In M. Penn Dodson's letter to the Dartmouth [Dartmouth Women: Act More Like Men?" Feb. 14, 1997, The Dartmouth], she makes reference to a book by Deborah Tannen, "You Just Don't Understand! Women and Men in Conversation." According to Dodson, Tannen claims that women value community and relationships while men care more about status." I disagree with this claim. There was a survey done at Dartmouth while I have been here, while revealed that while women were most concerned about grades here, men at Dartmouth were most concerned about making and keeping good friends.
There are two possible explanations for this: First, it could be that women already have good friends and that men already have the grades, so neither group is concerned about those things. I'm not in a position to say whether or not this is the case, but the other possibility, is that men value friendships more, while women value grades more. This could be interpreted as implying that things here at Dartmouth are the opposite of what Tannen asserts. Dodson is correct in saying that we need to ask questions to build a better conversations, etc. Yet, I find that I am often the one asking questions when I am speaking. And so do many of my male friends. "It's like pulling teeth," I've heard a guy say, speaking about trying to get to know someone. Often men are left asking the questions, drawing out the information, opening the doors to people's personalities. The hardest thing for the person asking questions is the short answer. "How are you?" "Fine." "What have you been up to?" "Not much."
Answers like these don't help conversation, so if you want the conversation to continue, avoid them. Also, if you ask any questions, avoid ones that can be answered with one or two words.
The thing is, perhaps more importantly, people should answer questions like they say men do, in a straightforward manner. If you ask, "What's wrong?" I shouldn't be saying "Oh, nothing," if there is something I want to talk about it. I shouldn't expect the person who I'm talking to pick up on the little, "Oh," I said before "nothing," and understand that my life is falling apart, I'm dissatisfied with my upbringing, my love life, my academic career, that I feel discriminated against, etc. If there's something wrong and you want to share it, say so. And if you don't want to hear about other people's problems, don't ask "How are you?" just say "Hello," and be off on your way.
So, I'm a man, I like conversation. I value relationships and community. I know a lot of guys who value the same thing. Hey, and guess what, some of them are in fraternities, too.
