Free bagel brunch in Collis Common Ground." Your pulse quickens. You're there.
This campus has an amazing capacity to pounce on free stuff. Offer something for free and students will swarm like flies on rotting fruit. T-shirts, pencils, candy, pizza -- give something away and you've got yourself an instant audience who is delighted to be there. It's a shameless tactic ... Isn't it great?!
The magnetic draw of college students to free stuff is an amazing Pavlovian response. When Officer Friendly visited your elementary school and said "Don't take candy from strangers," he was obviously targeting the wrong age bracket. What would Fall term be without our annual installment of trial sized hand lotions and cough drop variety packs? Not to mention the free pizza at the Safety and Security presentation, the wondrous goodies available at the activities fair, and free food court drinks for allowing psychology students to quiz you about your concept of self. From registration alone, I glommed a handful of jellybeans, three WDCR bumper stickers, and a Hopkins Center pencil. I left Alumni Hall in an air of triumph. I got something for nothing.
As absurd as it may be to get an adrenaline rush over free trial sized lip balm, would you have it any other way? Let's face it, it feels downright clever to think you're scamming someone out of stuff that people might actually pay good money for. How about Capture the Melon? Has anyone ever asked you to join them in a rousing game of watermelon hunting on a Saturday night? Of course not! But throw in the all-important free T-shirt and you've got yourself the most successful orientation week activity known to man. I sprained my ankle playing that silly game, but it was well worth it. After all, what's a little pain when free stuff is on the line!
The oversized plastic cups that the UGAs distributed last week produced the largest feeding frenzy I've yet seen in my dorm. I had no idea so many people lived on my hall. In the glow of the "free stuff euphoria," I actually met my neighbors. Yes, that's right, the free stuff brought us together, if only for a fleeting moment, as we happily tore open our containers. But let's take a closer look at what we really got:
The large plastic cup: while it may be creative marketing, let's face facts. To imbibe that much would make a person either very drunk or ... exceedingly well hydrated. I'd use it for a change cup, but by the time the cup was half full of coins, it'd be a liability to have thatiney lying around. American mass consumerism 1, Dartmouth student 0.
And as for the trial size can of shaving cream, I didn't finish the can I received last year and I've certainly dropped it on my toe more times than I've used it. Luckily, I now have another can, assuring that I will never have a need to buy the product. It's a brilliant advertising strategy.
Finally, we come to the small wipe off board with accompanying marker. The adorable slogan, "If this is your message then why is everyone else reading it," printed on the board can be easily explained by the fact that the marker won't wipe off until you wet it. This produces the unfortunate result of, "Hey Jen! I stopped by to borrow your stapler. Blitz me." being emblazoned on your door until you scrape up enough motivation to make the pilgrimage to the bathroom sink. That could take months.
Even though those items rapidly became denizens of my bottom desk drawer, I know at this time next year, I and a lot of others will be accepting another free stuff installment with the same mania. How low would we sink in the pursuit of free stuff? I wonder if I sat in Thayer lobby with a sign reading, "Free raw potato," just how many potatoes I could unload on the Dartmouth community. Or how about free trash bags -- something that's free in any dorm trash can anyhow? I think I smell a psychology project. I hope there's a free drink involved ...
