Many freshman come to Dartmouth with the hope of maintaining a relationship with the Home-Town-Honey, a boyfriend or girlfriend who still resides within the confines of his/her Mom and Dad's home town.
Needless to say, SAT stresses, curfew dilemmas and yearbook controversies usually don't preoccupy a college freshman as much as a high school junior and relationships typically end by freshman winter. Contact slowly diminishes and life in Hanover brings with it random hook-ups, beer goggling and sleep-overs (usually in a non-slumber party form).
Well, let's put aside the heart-wrenching HTH situation for a moment and talk about what I consider a more pressing issue -- HTPs (Home-Town Parents).
Hey, I love my parents as much as the next person but after a semester at Dartmouth I realized how difficult a time I was having with keeping in close contact with the 'rents. Care packages began to dwindle to five times a week and Mom only cried during every other twice-a-day phone conversation. One day, I began to think "Who would be there when I needed quarters for Topside video games? Who would read excerpts from my favorite Clifford book on Friday and Saturday nights? Latch my velcro sneakers before English 5? Buy my favorite Flintstones cereal?"
Well after a series of tense late-night conversations and threatened break-ups with Mom and Dad, I finally decided to find myself a new set of parents in the Hanover area. Let's just say my mission was recently accomplished thanks to the Tucker Foundation's Adopt Richer Cooler Parents Program.
In fact, my new parents have a swimming pool, a tennis court, arcade games, a rad dog named Psycho and, unlike Dick's house, they provide free Robitussin, condoms and tylenol. Hey, not only am I able to watch 135 television channels from all over the world with a new high-tech satellite dish but I'm also able to pad my resume with a Tucker Foundation volunteer activity.
And let me tell you, it is not very difficult to maintain the minimum of four hours a week that Tucker requires for all their Dartmouth Adopt Richer Cooler Parent volunteers. The jacuzzi is only set in increments of two hours and the virtual reality games can literally go on all day! Now you may say to me, "Deaner, that's fine and dandy, but what about my old parents at home" in Dix Hills, NY, Old Greenwich, CT or Sacramento, CA?
Well, I can assure every single person who ardently desires to dedicate their time to this upsurgent benevolent, organizational effort that you and your old parents can still remain friends. My old parents and I call each other occasionlly, temporarily rekindling our old flame. However, after a random Thanksgiving or Christmas hook-up, we both acknowledge the unrealistic possibility of a more concrete reconciliation. No guilt, no shame, and of course, they provide temporary protection.
The only problem that shall arise for me, as I see it, will involve my departure from the Big Green this coming spring. But, in my heart I know that the new, wealthier parents I find somewhere else in the United States will provide me with the security I need to be a forward-looking, sedulous, charitable and successful Generation Xer. As a final note, I would like to extend my thanks to my present Adopt Richer and Cooler Tucker Parents, Mr. and Mrs. James O. Freedman.
