If Greek Gods Went to Dartmouth

by Marie-Capucine Pineau-Valencienne | 1/4/17 1:38am

It’s known that Greek life plays a lead role at Dartmouth, but what if there was a different kind of “Greek” life present on campus? Here you’ll find all of the Greek gods and goddesses that, as a Dartmouth student, you are unknowingly friends with.

1. Hercules: the sporty friend

Don’t let Hercules’ “demi-god” status fool you into thinking he isn’t as “godly” as any other on this list. In ancient Greek mythology, he is the picture of strength and courage, which isn’t surprising considering his father is Zeus. Hercules was bestowed with inhuman physical prowess, making him a warrior you could bet money on. At Dartmouth, we have our own type of Hercules, also known as varsity athletes. Or if you’re a proud NARP, they are simply the “sporty friend.” You can spot them by their “Peak Performance” t-shirts as they wander campus, lifting heavy things and walking faster than their non-athletic counterparts. Although you may not fathom how they wake up at 5:00 a.m. for practice or use their bodies like well-oiled machines, you are definitely jealous of their abs.

2. Athena: the activist friend

In Athena, the goddess of war, strategy and wisdom, we recognize a type of friend all Dartmouth students are lucky to have: the activist friend. Like the goddess, our fiery activist isn’t afraid to stand up and fight for what they feel is right and are always ready to defend the honor of those they believe in.

3. Aphrodite and Eros: the flirty friends

Everyone can relate to having the notorious, but much loved, flirty friends, or in this case, Aphrodite and Eros. These companions are the Greek gods of love and have surprising similarities to a college version of Pepe Le Pew. They aren’t exclusive, are both hot and have no need for the gym, if you know what I mean.

4. Ploutos: the Econ major friend

Ploutos is very present across Dartmouth’s campus. As the god of money and wealth, you might recognize this Greek god in all of your friends who have proudly declared themselves Econ majors. These are the ones who know the ins and outs of the “market,” as they call it, might have a job lined up at a prestigious New York hedge fund next year, and if you’re not an Econ major yourself, they are the person you went to see “The Big Short” with because, let’s face it, you needed them to walk you through that one.

5. Dionysus: the ragey friend

As the god of wine, Dionysus knows how to party. He’s said to have introduced mankind to his favorite purple liquid, and as a thank you, he was worshipped with roof-raising dance parties that would make GDX proud. He’s the god that always goes out after meetings, has one of the most extensive flair collections on Olympus and boasts masterful pong skills that will leave you with your tail between your legs. Sound familiar? The “ragey” friend is one most Dartmouth students would call a true Hanover staple. Just like Dionysus, you can trust that wherever your ragey friend goes, a good time will follow.

6. The Nymphs: the sustainable DOC friend

Dartmouth is no stranger to Nymphs. Yes, you read that correctly — Nymphs. These ancient Greek gods are considered the architects of the natural world. Although not considered major deities in Ancient Greece such as Zeus or Athena, they hold a paramount position on Dartmouth’s Mount Olympus. As a freshman, your first introduction to the school you now call home is through the magic of these Nymphs. They tricked you into believing a Canadian Ground Fruit was real (and let us remember we all go to an Ivy League school), told you to suck it up and pee outside and preached about the endless beauty of the Upper Valley on such a religious level it almost made you believe you could go four days without showering. The Dartmouth Nymphs make campus a better place, converting one urbanite at a time.

7. Hermes: the facetimey friend

Hermes, our beloved facetimey friend, is a true Dartmouth favorite. As the messenger of the gods, outfitted with a pair of winged sandals (so chic!), they deliver messages between the “who’s who” of Olympus, carrying the most important information across the world. Hermes knows what’s up. Out of all the Olympian gods, they’re the one who knew what was going on even before it happened. They know who Eros is hooking up with this term, what the KAF line looks like and connects the most obscure corners of campus.

8. Apollo: the artsy friend

Apollo is your artsy friend. Amongst a crowd of distinct Greek personas, they’re the friend who will invite you to the opening night of the term’s theatrical production, which they’re in of course. They may also be the one you spend an afternoon with at the jewelry studio, which results in you cursing your inability to be crafty. Following in Apollo-esque fashion, your artsy friend might also be a poetry fan or part-time song writer. It’s also common for them to scoff at your Urban Outfitters wall tapestry, insinuating that your basic-ness gives them hives. You love your artsy friend, because deep down, you know you’re envious of their fantastical left brain.

9. Atlas: the stress ball friend

At a place as fast-paced and exclusively populated with keen perfectionists as Dartmouth, it’s not a surprise that with all that energy comes a fair amount of stress in the air. The titan Atlas is that one friend — or in our case, many — that we sympathize with during midterms or finals, when we know they feel like they are carrying the weight on the world on their shoulders.

10. Nike: the over-over-achiever friend

At a college like Dartmouth, it’s easy to assume that every bright-eyed and bushy tailed student can be characterized as an “over-achiever.” Although there may be truth to this specific stereotype, there is always that one person on campus that always seems to be one step ahead. They are what we can call the Nike friend, and no, I’m not talking about sneakers. They are the “over-achiever” who makes you wonder just how they fit 25 hours of work into a 24-hour day.