In case you were wondering, the traditional American breakfast of “bacon and eggs” was a marketing ploy invented by Edward Bernays (nephew of Sigmund Freud) in the 1920s, aimed to increase the market share of Beech-Nut bacon. The breakfast combination had been around before then in England, of course, but the majority of Americans at the time started their days with toast and coffee. Bernays convinced doctors to testify about the health benefits of a “complete breakfast,” and America’s love affair with bacon began. While Bernays undoubtedly exaggerated the health benefits of a bacon and egg breakfast, I am grateful for his work. Without bacon and eggs, there would be no impetus to invent the breakfast sandwich, which in my humble opinion, is the pinnacle of all breakfast food.
Two years ago, I was in France for the language study abroad program in Lyon. The French do many culinary things well, but breakfast is not one of them. I would sit across the table from my very attractive host brother, with whom I never talked because I was ashamed of my French and in awe of his European good looks. He would proceed to down a bowl of coffee — yes, not a mug but a bowl, a practice all caffeine addicts of the world probably admire — and eat two scraps of a baguette with butter and jam. I usually think coffee can be counted as a nutritious-enough breakfast, but that is not the case when you have four hours of class and must survive until 1 p.m. to get lunch. Also, the amount of baguette it takes for me to feel full in the morning is a bit excessive (we’re talking like half a baguette here), and I didn’t want to seriously deplete the Filhol family’s bread supply, so I spent most of my mid-mornings in Lyon dreaming about the sublime meal that is a Collis breakfast sandwich. I did a lot of other things besides think about food, but this is a column about breakfast, so I felt it apt to show that all my homesickness and culture shock could be symbolized by my desperate longing for an English muffin with an egg inside it.As a connoisseur of breakfast sandwiches, I can easily state that Collis’s are the best, hands down. I have eaten breakfast sandwiches at every dining establishment on campus that offers them, so I feel qualified to judge. Novack’s are the worst, followed closely by FoCo’s. One’s first thought would be that the Hop would be your go-to place for meat and eggs on bread, but after many trials, Collis emerged as the clear winner for me. Maybe it’s because they use real eggs, or maybe it’s because you can only get a breakfast sandwich before 10:30 a.m. but the fine chefs of Collis have somehow managed to create the perfect ratio of egg to cheese to sausage to wax paper. It’s like an egg McMuffin, yet made with love. A Collis breakfast sandwich has the ability to brighten your day, even if it starts with a 9L or an 8 a.m. final.
As my friends are well aware, I tend to schedule my days around food. “It’s 1:20 a.m.? Stop the pong game! It’s time to call it a night! Late Night Collis closes in 10 minutes!” Knowing that breakfast sandwiches will run out by 10:15 a.m. is one of the key ways I motivate myself to get out of bed before I start work at 11.
Annoying people keep mentioning that there are “seven weeks of term left,” which then leads seniors down a road of melancholic nostalgia. I wonder what I’ll miss. I’ll miss the Green, of course, but we spend approximately 50 percent of our time at Dartmouth missing the Green, since it’s either covered by snow or pungent mud. I’ll miss the wonderful people at the Hinman Mail Center who once let me claim a non-emergency package at 5:05 p.m. I’ll miss my friends, my professors and even dorm life, because trust me, cleaning your own bathroom is sincerely overrated. But of course, one thing at the top of my “Things I’ll Miss” list is my morning Collis breakfast sandwich. From a culinary perspective, I’m sure there must exist a breakfast sandwich that is as good as or better than Collis’s. But it’s not just the sandwich — it’s what the sandwich represents. That perfect ratio of egg, cheese, bread and meat is an excellent metaphor for Dartmouth. Though we may all come from different animal byproducts, we still work together to create the platonic breakfast ideal.
While we’re all airing our grievances, I’m making a motion for a new campaign: Occupy Collis. Late risers deserve an equal opportunity to enjoy the deliciousness that is a Collis breakfast sandwich, and as such, the system is inherently biased toward morning people and those with 10As. I’m also invested in making mozzarella sticks available 24/7, but on that, I’m willing to compromise.
