The Games:
Collis Decathlon —Athletes will be released in waves during Collis Cafe’s busiest hours and required to successfully obtain items from its 10 various stations – stir fry, pasta, soup, salads, sandwiches, ice cream, smoothies, baked goods and that high-tech soda machine. All competitors must wear a backpack during the competition. The event will close when participants successfully use a combination of meal swipes and DBA to pay for their goods. All athletes will be judged on time completed, quantity of facetime and quality of goods (extra points for those who take the time to make the perfect dragon roll).
Golf Course Icebox Curling — The only team competition at the Dartmouth Winter Olympics will involve groups of four in a curling-like adventure. One team member will sit upon a large ice block, which a fellow team member will gracefully slide down the golf course. The other two members will rush down the hill, clearing the path with various squeegees gathered painstakingly from pong tables across campus. The team who lands its ice-blocked teammate closest to Occom without breaking the ice will be crowned the winner.
Olympagram — The name of this game, which will span the entire Olympic season, says it all. Contestants are encouraged to take photos of various events relating to the games. During the closing ceremonies, all Instagram photos tagged “DartmouthOlympagram” will be judged on their originality, editing, message and captions. The use of various editing apps is encouraged, and any picture with the hashtag “no filter” will be immediately disqualified if found to have used a filter.
The Judges:
Collis Staff —These people have undoubtedly already passed silent judgements on the hundreds of students that meander through Collis each day, and it’s time to let their voices be heard. These people are likely to fill the Randy Jackson role on the judge’s panel — they’ll be brutally honest with you in the nicest way possible, and no matter what, you’re going to leave feeling like you just made a new friend.
Keggy the Keg — The unofficial mascot of our student body, Keggy will serve as the liaison between the people and the judging decisions. Although many other options may exist, including the “Big Green” and some moose-like creature, there is perhaps no person more qualified to pass judgment on us all than a giant, animated barrel of warm, cheap beer.
Carol Folt — The true wild card of the bunch, our previous interim president will return to her former queendom. Even if you’ve never caught her walking across the four-way stop in her sunglasses and umbrella, you can tell this woman means business. Will she become the Simon Cowell-like antagonist, or does she promise more Paula Abdul-like antics? The most pressing question is, how will she react when President Phil Hanlon takes the stage for his infamous ice dancing routine?
Olympic Village:
Where to Stay — As any student who has ever inhabited a two-room triple can assure you, residential space can get slightly cramped on campus. Organizers will arrange for the Olympic Village to only include rooms in McLaughlin and East Wheelock clusters, as well as Fahey-McLane Hall, but the office of residential life’s inevitable “computer error” will cause countless relocations to the River, Choates and the Lodge. Pictures of the hamster-like tunnels and consistently moist bathroom walls will likely appear on Twitter and Instagram, with captions like “Olympic Village, or a portable toilet at a construction site?” Expect to see “bringbacksochi” trending.
What to Do — Along with any great sporting event come the hundreds and thousands of coaches, families and spectators who are there to have a good time and pretend to know something about synchronized skating. When the games themselves aren’t going on, or when people need a break from eight hours of watching luge, they will inevitably need something else to occupy their time. While the local scenery will offer a great sightseeing experience for visitors, many will likely ask what else there is to do during their trip to the Upper Valley. Apple-picking season is over, and it’s a couple of months until Green Key, so their guess is as good as anyone’s.
Where to Eat — With lines already frustratingly long during rush hours, the increased attention and excitement around the games is likely to cause even more confusion about who is standing in the omelette line and who is waiting on their stir fry order. As previous renovations did not significantly reduce wait times, critics are still curious if Collis can handle the games. To accommodate the influx, FoCo will bring back the classic salad bar arrangement to stop people from staring blankly at the spot where the tomatoes used to be, and the Hop will start distributing physical copies of the secret menu.
