Hello readers. Things are good right now. Midterms are over, it has only rained three of the past four days and you are about to find out what happens when varsity women's lacrosse faces off against a group of Mediocre Matthews. What more could you ask for?
The Setup: I challenged the women's lacrosse team to a five-on-five scrimmage first to 10 points. We played a half-court game, meaning both squads were firing at the same goalie, my untrained friend, Josh Glikin '15. The boys' team consisted of Ryan Galloway '14, Ryan Shelley '15, Eric Wu '13, Albert Roth '13 and me. This was the first time any of us had ever touched a lacrosse stick. The girls played with three subs, sending out Hana Bowers '13, Ellie Clayton '13, Julia Szafman '13, Kelsey Johnson '13, Casey Griffin '13, Courtney Bennett '13, Frances Bird '15 and Chrissy Lushefski '15. Our match was generously refereed by Kyra Hansson '13, currently on the injury reserve of ladies' lax.
The Showdown: The girls got off to a quick 3-0 lead, fueled by Team NARP's inability to catch and pass. Trying to catch a ball with this stick felt like trying to catch a marble with a flyswatter. Our offense was poor, but I had faith that our defense could keep us alive, until the following happened: Hana was jogging lightly with the ball, guarded by Ryan Shelley. She juked left and went right, and this was too much for Ryan to handle. His leg bent in a weird direction, and his back hit the turf, a shoe flying in the air in the process. Hana then vaulted the ball to Kelsey, and not three seconds later, the boys were down 4-0. My demoralization meter was quickly rising.
By this point in the game, we had only caught one pass. We knew we needed to develop a new strategy in which passing and catching were not involved. After quick brainstorming we produced a formation known as the "Flying V." Four of us created a "V" shape that plowed through the women, as our fifth player followed with the ball in the womb of our V. Albert started with the ball and effectively got within 10 feet of the goal. Courtney smacked at his stick, however, and proceeded to steal the ball, blast through a few defenders and swish a clean shot past Josh.
Once we were down 6-0, big Ryan Galloway took the ball and started bumbling through the girls' defense like a locomotive, bouncing girls off him left and right. Once he had barged his way near the goal, he threw up a wild shot that had no chance of going in. Fortunately, while he was shooting, Chrissy kendo-chopped him in the rib, which is apparently illegal. This gave Ryan a free penalty shot on goal, which he scored with ease.
After a few more easy goals for the ladies, they were up 9-1, putting us on the brink of defeat. A desperation strategy was in order. The guys huddled up at midfield and spitballed half-baked ideas focused on pulling a second ball out of our pocket to elicit confusion. Once we realized we didn't have a second ball, however, we decided we had to stick with the tried-and-true Flying V.
I ran with the ball but was quickly greeted by Hana, who penetrated our V and was gunning for me. The ball fell out of my stick, and instead of wasting time scooping it up with this stick thing, I just picked it up with my hand and put it back in my cradle. I was able to push my way past a few ladies, and once near the goal, I leaped in the air, preparing to shoot. As I released the ball, I was bludgeoned in the chest with a punishing blow from Courtney's stick, setting up a free penalty shot.
I was unsure if our ref Kyra was giving our team calls out of pure pity, but that didn't stop me from taking the free shot and scoring on Josh. In the end, we lost 10-2. Our only two goals were off of free shots from suspect penalty calls on a scrubby goalie that we brought, but we take what we can get.
The Breakdown: It was abundantly clear that our team lacked any sort of lacrosse skill. Throughout the game we only caught three passes of the 14 we attempted. This helped contribute to our astounding 13 turnovers and a mere four shot attempts on goal (not including our penalty shots). The girls, on the other hand, scored on 10 of their 12 shots with just three turnovers.
The girls were all very kind and great sports, but we still left the game feeling down and beaten up. Each of us had our own unique bruise delivered by Courtney's stick. Mine was on my left breast, right over the heart. So every time I look in the mirror while shirtless, I am reminded of how my heart aches over this recent defeat. Mike 0, women's varsity 4.
