Hello readers. I have some bad news for you I'm sure you were all looking forward to being pushed to the edge of your seats in reading another intense issue of Battle of the Sexes. Unfortunately, I was out of town this week and thus unable to compete.
But fear not! I happen to live by the mantra "the show must go on," and so go on the show did with some special help from my friend Eric Wu '13. This week, I recruited four of my most athletic non-varsity friends to challenge the women's varsity swimming team. After viewing footage of the race and receiving the inside scoop from Eric, I am ready to recap.
The Setup: The race was a four-person 200-meter medley relay. Each team had a person swimming 50 meters of the backstroke, breaststroke, butterfly and freestyle, in that order. The men's team consisted of Arun Gomatam '13, Kevin Kennedy '13, Riley Ennis '15 and Eric. The women's squad was made up of Natalia Vecerek '14, Charlotte Williams '13, Erin Henn '14 and Mary Van Metre '14.
The Showdown: Arun and Natalia were first up with the backstroke. The whistle blew and the two racers jumped off the block. Once they emerged from the water, Natalia began flying with graceful and elegant form. Arun's pace, on the other hand, was impressively slow he looked like a floundering Magikarp wading his way through a pool of viscous maple syrup. Natalia finished and tagged Charlotte in by the time Arun hit his halfway point. Once he was lapped by Charlotte's breaststroke, Arun began to panic. His desire to avoid embarrassment clearly overshadowed any sort of sportsmanship he possessed as he deserted the backstroke and began illegally swimming freestyle.
Arun and Charlotte finished simultaneously, meaning the boys were already behind by 50 meters. Kevin started his breaststroke right as Erin commenced her butterfly, but again the guys were looking out-matched as she immediately got a wide lead on Kevin. Part of the problem was that Kevin was swimming with his eyes shut; this caused him to collide directly with the plastic lane divider on eight separate occasions.
After Kevin bashed into the median for the fifth time, Erin completed her leg, but Mary, the anchor, did not start her final quarter of the race. Instead, she just stood there, waiting patiently. She claimed she wanted to start swimming at the same time as our fourth racer. She must have been truly beleaguered with pity to give the guys such an advantage, but it is very rude to deny a gift, so they let her wait.
Kevin eventually finished his 50 meters, pretty bruised up from his unceasing tussle with the plastic rope. Riley dove in, struggling across the pool as Mary and Eric awaited his finish. About 75 percent through, Riley's energy tank hit empty and he followed suit by finishing up with freestyle.
Mary and Eric dove into the pool at the same time. They were tied for a good three seconds before she started swimming and he started thrashing. It was clear that the boys were doomed; Erin had completed about 40 of the 50 meters, and Eric had only just breached the halfway point. But suddenly, what could only be described as a miracle occurred.
A mysterious and unknown figure, who was later identified as "James," leaped in the girls' lane. Mary was about to finish the race and lay the coup de grace on our team when James grabbed her foot. He proceeded to put Mary in an underwater full-nelson, preventing her from finishing and opening up a path to victory for Eric. But the girls were on their feet Natalia, Charlotte and Erin quickly jumped in the pool, attempting to release Mary from James' iron ViceGrip.
Eric took advantage of this spontaneous gift and flailed his way toward the end of the pool, just feet away from victory, but in the nick of time, Mary planted a nice donkey-kick in James' chest, freed herself from his pinioning and swam to victory seconds before Eric finished.
The Breakdown: This race was an absolute circus. Three of our four players cheated using the wrong stroke. Mary waited about 45 seconds to start swimming. Just as we were about to lose, an unknown figure began fighting the girls. But despite all of these shenanigans, victory escaped our grasp once again.
It was very clear to me that my teammates were discouraged, confused and afraid without my presence as a leader. Hopefully with my return next week, they will be overcome with optimism, and a victory will finally be in sight.
Until then, Mike 0, women's varsity 5.
