Hello readers. My name is Mike. I am a senior, and compared to all of the spectacular specimens at this school, I'd say I'm a pretty average guy. I have one of the most average names of all time (fourth-most popular in U.S. history to be precise), I have a pretty average GPA, I can never think of interesting facts about myself for icebreaker circles and on a good day, my athletic coordination could be described as somewhere between oafish and grunt-like.
But unlike most normalities, I am OK with being normal and am about to embrace it in a whole new way.
I am embarking on a journey full of physical adventures, daring efforts and a lot of embarrassment. Over the next three terms, I will be challenging top female varsity athletes to duels in their respective sports. For team sports, I will invite the requisite amount of nonner teammates to flounder alongside me.
So if you've ever wondered how an Average Joe might fare against a Varsity Victoria, or if you just want to watch me embarrass myself, then follow my journey and wish me luck.
The Setup: I wanted to start this trip off right, so I decided to challenge athletes of the most fundamental and athletically raw sport a sport that has existed as long as mankind has existed. Running. A footrace was a little too simple, though, so I decided that hurdles would be a thrilling opener. In order to make things a bit more even, I lassoed a fellow average-bodied companion, Arun Gomatam '13, to compete with me against a Dartmouth great Cassie Ryding '13.
The race was a shuttle hurdle relay, meaning 50 meters down, 50 meters back, with three hurdles each way. Arun would run the first half, and I would do the second half, while Cassie would do the whole thing herself.
Even though neither Arun nor I have any hurdling experience (besides the occasional late-night bounding over the chain on Mass Row), I had a feeling we could make this a pretty tight race. While she certainly had the edge in speed, technique and experience, having two people seemed like a distinct advantage. Also, at 33 inches, each of these hurdles was about half her height. Being the big boy that I am, I thought I would be able to bounce over these tiny hurdles without losing any speed or momentum. Oh how wrong I was.
The Showdown: Arun and Cassie lined up at the start while I stood 50 meters away from them, viewing the start of the race from afar. Our cameraman/judge, Eric Wu '13, was set to start the race with a beep. Sure enough, I heard the words "ready, set," but right before Eric released the screeching green light, Arun took off. He had executed a brilliant false start, so blatant and unexpected that nobody even protested. At this point, I was thinking we had a real shot to win.
Arun had a great lead going into the first hurdle, but as he vaulted over it, I felt our chances dwindle. Watching Cassie gracefully skip over the hurdles was an amazing sight. Despite her petite stature, she didn't break stride and glided just centimeters above the bar. Arun, on the other hand, looked like a hobbling orangutan learning to jump for the first time. By time Cassie landed over the third hurdle, she had created a solid lead.
As Cassie hit the halfway point and began to turn, Arun came zooming toward me and slapped my hand. Because she had to spend time turning around, I started the second leg with a sliver of a lead. We reached the first hurdle and planted our takeoff feet simultaneously. Right as I was about to lift off, however, my focus was shattered by an overwhelming fear of tripping on the hurdle, plunging headfirst into the track and smearing rubber tartan all over my chin. So while Cassie wisely continued her momentum forward and over the hurdle, I let my cowardice shake me. I hopped almost completely vertically, legs to chest and arms flailing. Cassie was two steps and several feet in front of me by the time I hit ground.
At this point, I knew I was done for, so I focused on keeping my mug off the rubber and my body intact. Cassie flawlessly floated over the last two hurdles while I continued my unconventional technique of wildly swinging my arms while hoisting my frame inefficiently high over the hurdles. When I landed over the final hurdle, I saw her jog through the finish line, and I completed the race with bitter discontent.
The Breakdown: With Arun's help, I have started the season off with a big fat L. Based on my first performance, I have a feeling I may need some water to assist in the frequent swallowing of my pride that is to come. That said, in studying our perfectly-executed false start and overall poor technique, I am beginning to orchestrate some promising tactics and strategic alterations for next week's event. After one week, it's: Mike 0, women's varsity 1.
