To my two and a half loyal readers, apologies for the brief hiatus. I'll be the first to admit I have been inconsistent lately. The steadfast editors have been giving me opportunities to write, and I've just been plain dropping the ball. Call me Wes Welker. Call me Deion Branch. Call me Aaron Hernandez. But this time, I'm not going to miss an opportunity to make a great play. So don't call me Rob Gronkowski. And yes, this column is going to be about the Super Bowl.
Gloating, in my opinion, is the equivalent of eating EBAs when you're too drunk to know better. In the heat of the munchies, nothing is as satisfying as inundating your pizza with ranch dressing and folding piece after piece into your mouth before falling into a food-induced coma. But the next morning, when you wake up feeling like you're in your third trimester and realizing you've slept through your 10A, you can't even look yourself in the mirror. You might think to yourself, "Why'd I do that last night?" The empty box is always a reliable, painful reminder of your shame.
So while I'd love to keep making cheap cracks at Pats fans, I'll opt to take the high road. While I'll revel in this glorious triumph, I'd prefer not to taint it with ugly taunting. I think that's a lesson a lot of people could stand to learn. Because honestly, if you're the kind of person who immediately throws up a, "Whatever, Eli sucks, Tom Brady is still better!" Facebook status five minutes after the game, you're missing the point. That actually makes you look more pathetic. Humility in victory, grace in defeat.
One thing both Patriots and Giants fans can agree upon is the entertainment value of the game. From start to finish, there was hardly a dull moment that you could actually use as a valid excuse to get up and go to bathroom or re-grub your plate. And that's what the Super Bowl should be four hours of non-stop entertainment. From Brady and Belichick on the verge of history to the understated Eli winning another game in his brother's home stadium, there were plenty of storylines to keep us engrossed. This got me thinking: Why does it have to end here? This game (and rivalry) has some serious potential for spin-offs. On Sunday, I watched over eight hours of coverage of the game, including the pre and post-game shows. Here are just a few ideas I think might be fruitful for spin-offs.
1) Life Swap Brady and Wilfork. During one special pre-game segment on Wilfork, the Pat's DT made a guarantee he could beat his QB in a 40-yard dash this off-season. What's funny is that no two players could be more opposite in terms of their position, their relative skills and their physical appearance. So let's just take one week of next year's NFL season and have them literally swap everything about their lives. Swap positions, swap wives, swap wardrobes, everything. You'll have the contact-adverse QB plugging up the middle against mammoth guards and centers in practice, while Wilfork learns the nuances of the Pats' offense. Even better, Brady will have to rock Wilfork's XXXL T's off the field while Vince goes shopping with Gisele for a new pair of Uggs and a mani/pedi. Hilarity ensues.
2) Surprise Party Bill Belichick. Have you ever seen a shot of this guy without a scowl on his face? Even after wins, he looks like he's just spent the last three hours trying to program the clock on his VCR. This show would be a reality-type deal where camera crews would follow around Belichick in scenarios where people surprise him by doing really nice things. For example, a neighbor drops by his house with a freshly baked pie. Maybe he finds $100 on the ground. Whatever it is, it'd be priceless to see if his grim expression ever changes. My guess is no, but I'd still tune in every week.
3) Roast Eli Manning. I've been a big Eli fan ever since he started playing for the Giants in 2004. And as much as I like him, nothing frustrates me more than how blase, how average, how painfully boring he is in interviews. I understand that being "cool" is part of what makes Eli a good quarterback, but come on show some personality. He dodges every sort of loaded question from reporters with responses that are not only inadequate answers, but also say absolutely nothing.
Q: "Eli, are you an elite quarterback?"
A: "I'm just happy to be a winner tonight. I feel lucky. I'm just proud of this organization."
Eli needs to be put in a situation where he has absolutely no way of using vacuous semantics to get out of answering questions. Let's put him on stage and just rip him to the core. Get Peyton up there and have him rehash some story from growing up, or have him brag about how much better his stats are than his. Let's get his wife up there to make fun of him for looking like such a pansy when he takes sacks. Let's cut him down a few notches, and then give him an opportunity to lash back. I love Eli, and it's all in good fun, but it'd be hilarious to finally get to see some fire.
