Maybe I'll write a gay sex how-to. It wouldn't actually be much different than the monthly repetitions of Cosmopolitan's starkly heteronormative "how to please a man" articles, other than who is doing the pleasing. Maybe if Cosmo were to discuss women pleasuring women (and themselves) instead of just men, their younger readers would be spared the demeaning and confidence-crushing "advice" in these how-to articles, which fosters a destructive sense of self-worth in young women attempting to navigate their emerging sexuality.
I clearly have a bone to pick with Cosmo, but even as I skimmed these online how-tos at my table in King Arthur Flour, I self-consciously glanced for judgmental passersby and tilted my screen toward the wall. While slightly awkward, my activity was nowhere near as embarrassing as it would have been if I had been spotted reading about how to please a woman. I actually thought about doing so, just to see how uncomfortable it would make people around me feel.
With events like the Sexperts' annual "Sex Fest" and Cindy Pierce's stimulating talks at Greek houses about female pleasure, it may seem that taboos surrounding the discussion of sex are minimal at Dartmouth. However, you would probably be uncomfortable if I started talking about the delights of strap-ons in The Mirror. What can I even write in this article?
Did you know that in 1999, an average of 25 Dartmouth students per year elected to have an abortion? Even The Dartmouth reported on it ("Abortions prevelant at the College," Jan. 18, 1999). Twelve years later, the majority of pregnant students do not choose to carry the baby to term ("College offers services for pregnant students," April 21, 2011).
The D can formally discuss these issues, but we rarely discuss them ourselves. After all, "I had an abortion" doesn't quite fit into our trivial Novack line conversations about frats and midterms and vaguely themed semi-formals.
Both personal comfort levels and social expectations play into the creation of these taboos. For example, the still pervasive idea that homosexuality is "different" or "bad" makes individuals wary about discussing it and can even makes such discussion deemed politically incorrect, Teddy Steinbock '15 said.
"People fear being judged, so they don't talk about it," Steinbock said.
Sabrina Amaro '13 attributed the lack of openness about gay sex to Dartmouth's tendency to define individuals by their choices.
"This place is very small, and homosexuality is in the minority," Amaro said. "People know who is gay, and even talking about it objectively can put you into a box."
By not talking about things that seem "taboo," students are able to protect themselves from the harsh judgments and labels of their peers, Amaro added.
To those at ease with their sexuality, discomfort with the discussion of homosexual sex seems misplaced. Danielle Baez '12 said that the gender of individuals involved shouldn't matter in our discussions, as "we're all talking about things we have experience with."
Issues surrounding the discussion of sex are not limited to this gay-straight paradigm. Some simply believe that graphic discussions of sex should be kept in the bedroom, or at least out of print. In response to a story published in The Mirror a few years back ("Aurora's guide to eating out," Oct. 5, 2007) hint: not about fine cuisine in the Upper Valley an opinion columnist responded that while the content of the article was not particularly disturbing, its placement in a publication that "my grandpa reads" was out of place and inappropriate ("Zach's Guide to Fellating Upperclassmen," Oct. 9, 2007).
Similarly, some students believe that a candid discussion of sex normalizes the act, putting pressure on those who are not sexually active or who choose to reserve sex for a committed, monogamous relationship. Molly Thornton '14 commented on this pressure, saying that abstinence is as much of a taboo at Dartmouth as is explicit detail, and our casual comments about our weekend hook-up oversimplify and perpetuate an assumption of widespread sexual activity. People are too quick to judge one another for their sexual activity or lack thereof, she said. Thornton said she believes more honest and transparent discussions of sexual choices may help break down the confusion surrounding hooking up.
A female '15 who wished to remain anonymous agreed, describing the confusing nature of social expectations at Dartmouth.
"What are you expected to do when you go back to a guys room? How does that work?," she said. "It's really murky, what's appropriate and what's not."
Dartmouth's biggest taboos lie not in what is discussed, but what is ignored, she said.
"The Sexperts talked about sexual pleasure, but they didn't know a definition of sexual assault," she said of a Sexperts presentation at her freshman floor meeting. "They said [sexual assault] happens here, but when we asked about it they brushed aside the question."
Conversations about sexual assault flourish in certain spaces from Mentors Against Violence facilitations for new members of Greek houses to Sexual Assault Peer Advisor training but the '15 female said she has yet to see such discussion reach the far corners of campus.
"When the [Oct. 6] security blitz came out, it got an important conversation started between the girls on my floor," she said about the Safety and Security notification detailing a woman's awaking in bed to find an unknown man making sexual contact with her. However, when the '15 female's male floormates "started cracking jokes about it" some of the women in the room became uncomfortable and the conversation dissolved, she said. The gender dynamics at Dartmouth play into what is acceptable to discuss, she said.
Rebecca Drapkin '13 agreed, attributing her choice to become a Sexpert to the unbalanced sexual dynamics at Dartmouth.
"Because of the lack of openness about sex on campus, everything that's not missionary, heterosexual sex seems to be taboo," Drapkin said. "Even sex with the lights on seems kinky."
Dartmouth is a small school, and talking about taboo topics can define us in ways we don't want to be seen.
"After high school, [Dartmouth] is our chance to be whoever we want to be, which is so hard when we have to worry about sexual taboos, about what people think of us because of what we choose to share," Amaro said. "We have nothing to talk about but each other."
