This isn't my sophomore Summer. Whatever, I'm here you're welcome. At any rate, I'm knocking out a QDS and a CI this term, so my distributive requirements are almost done. I'm even going above and beyond the physical education requirements with yet another Fitness and Lifestyle Improvement Program class. Something big and athletic is still looming over my head, however, as senior year approaches: the swim test.
Am I the only '12 who hasn't taken the swim test yet? Not quite, but I'm in the minority. Most of us probably took the test during Trips, whether or not we were participating in some water-intensive trip like canoeing. So, okay, maybe I'm about three years behind the game, but at the time, I felt like taking the test would have pulled me away from bonding with my trippees. Poor choice.
My best friend hasn't taken the swim test yet either, largely because he didn't go on Trips. He admits now that several other factors have contributed to the delay most importantly, laziness. Our biggest mutual problem is probably that we don't care enough to even figure out how to take it. Do we just dive in whenever we feel like it? Do we need to schedule this miracle of athleticism?
Since we're both on this summer, we've decided to just take the test and get it out of the way. I'm a super awkward swimmer, but definitely functional actually swimming a lap will not be a problem. I would likely have been an all-star had I not been scared of my hairy-chested male swim instructor as a child. And although I've never actually seen Best Friend swim, I am confident in his abilities after watching him adhere to a swim routine throughout our term in Paris.
Despite these obvious strengths, there's still a lot of training to do before the summer is over, and if we're going to finish before finals, I've got about four weeks.Week 1: Building Strength and Fitness
This will involve my basic gym routine plus eating a high-protein diet. I'm a vegetarian and Best Friend is an ex-vegan, so the cornerstones of said diet will be quinoa and Ben and Jerry's (16 grams of protein per pint). I'd consider ordering the Workout Special at the Hop, but I have literally no idea what it includes other than probably loads of meat.
Basic gym routine this summer equals spinning three times a week, plus bonus workouts on the treadmill on days when I especially need air conditioning. Casual tennis is also a favorite.Week 2: Perfecting the Stroke
It's not possible to graduate with honors in swimming, but that's no reason to scrape by with an embarrassing doggy paddle. Best Friend and I will spend time down by the river, closely mingling with whatever marine life the Connecticut has to offer.
Spectators present at the 2009 Polar Bear Plunge may recall a certain pink-bikinied freshman oddly running rather than jumping into the hole in the ice. I pledge to have a more elegant descent into the water for the swim test.Week 3: Perfecting the Tan
If Best Friend agrees, I'd be happy to extend this portion of training into weeks two and four, as well. How can I be expected to feel confident taking the swim test without the appropriate summer glow? This will require clocking even more hours down by the river, with carefully alternating tops to avoid tan lines.
Marathons of "Say Yes To The Dress" on TLC have taught me that nothing is more important than what you wear on the big day, so this week will also involve choosing the perfect bathing suit for the test. My dream bathing suit for the swim test is aerodynamic, pink and resistant to revealing wardrobe malfunctions.Week 4: The Test
Here's how I envision the actual moment: Best Friend and I walk into the pool in coordinating sharkskin-esque speed suits (they're too good for the Olympics, but so are we). Most likely, friends will be in tow to watch this all go down. Maybe my parents will be in attendance, proud that I'm finally proving mastery of a basic childhood skill. Moments later, as I'm stretching out, Lady Gaga begins to play the sign to get in the pool.
After this point, my foresight is briefly blurred until the moment I emerge, triumphant, from the pool. It was a photo finish, but I have beaten Best Friend in a one-on-one matchup. The lifeguard steps down from his perch and, with a practiced flourish, hands over a blue ribbon. Flowers are placed around my neck as if I am a winning racehorse. I walk out of the gym into the sunset. Perhaps off to take on the Ledyard Challenge?
