*This week's article is brought to you by Evolving Vox. Got a futon? Need another? Call Vox. Please.**##
Gather 'round kids, we've got a story to tell. This week, our heroes the Rec League Legends take on Big Green soccer goalies Lyman Missimer '11 and Sean Donovan '13 in "jogo bonito" which is Portuguese for "the beautiful game" which is English for "futbol" which is American for "soccer" which is Dartmouth for "Yo man, you wanna play Fifa?" This challenge is a special one for Katz, as the term Rec League Legend' comes from his recreation league soccer days playing for his father, Bob Katz, on the legendary team The Bobcats. For Connor, it was simply another challenge that wasn't hockey.
Katz passionately blitzed Lyman, "Soccer's where this whole Rec League dream began. Just me, my Dad and some Gushers. When are you available? I've got a 2A."
Missimer could not say no and answered, "Meet us outside the locker room at 2:15 p.m. I'm bringing friend, American and fellow goaltender Sean Donovan with me."
Katz, unfazed by Missimer's disrespect for his 2A, e-mailed his professor that he had "a final round interview with Collis plus a flu shot and would be a little late."
Challenge on.
Lyman Missimer IV was born and raised in Woodlands, Texas, and attended Woodlands High School, ranked as high as 577th in Newsweek's 2005 list of Best High Schools in America. His family is famous for maintaining the Lyman name, a Gallic word meaning "avocado." If he does not have a son, his daughter will be named Lyman.
Sean Donovan I comes from Burr Ridge, Ill., the only town in America with more than three Banana Republics (it has four). He grew up rooting for the Chicago Bulls and still considers himself a fan "but not as much now." Touchingly, he chose Dartmouth because of the movie "Footloose" which he thought was filmed at Dartmouth. It was not, but he's still happy to be here.
The Legends chose not to train for this challenge but did arrive at the locker room at 2:15 p.m. Prompt. Donovan handed out massive foam finger-like goalie gloves, and we felt accepted into his inner-circle.
This challenge would be a Missimer/Donovan favorite known as "Goalie Wars." Two athletes in each goal, goals 20 feet apart, game to 10. Goals could be scored by punting, drop-kicking, throwing and/or sniping but you had to stay within your goalie box. All extremities were in play and any effort could be taken to save the ball.
Missimer proposed the idea of splitting up the two varsity keepers to "make it fair and maybe even a little competitive," but we refused. Legends always stick together.
The first Legends possession (and the ensuing 15 Legends possessions) sailed over the bar. Glory-hungry, cake-eating Connor insisted, "Everything must go Top-Cheddar, up where Grandma keeps the peanut butter."
The Legends stuck to their flawed game plan until Missimer punted a rocket off Katz's "soon-to-be-broken" wrist and into the upper 90 of the Onion Bag. 1-0 Varsity.
An unruly fan then sprinted onto the surface and disrupted play for several minutes, chasing after the ball. It was later revealed that this fan was a Golden Retriever (Canis lupus familiaris) and responded to the name "Robin."
Donovan didn't waste time after the break and fire-balled a throw into Connor's corner, above his outstretched, insignificant hand. 2-0. All remaining morale evaporated, the Legends closed their eyes and it was 10-0.
The challenge lasted a fleeting five minutes and Katz, the Legendary Legend, needed to get to class. But Legends also do not get shut out. He forfeited his citation and called for a new challenge. Katz/Missimer v. Connor/Donovan.
Donovan, warmed up and swagging post-shutout, showed off his free kick abilities and calmly planted a bender into the upper-right. 1-0. He began exposing Katz's timidly-protected corner at will and led the Connor/Donovan team to a larger lead. 2-0. Katz looked Missimer in the eyes and whispered, "Are you mad at me?" Missimer patted Katz on the back and said, "No bud. I could never be mad at you." They lost 10-3 and Missimer was mad at Katz.
The Legends returned to the locker room and were treated to an Orange Gatorade from the Donald S. Richardson Class of 1963 Fridge, as well as some peanut butter-filled pretzels. Katz, a committed Blue Powerade drinker, chugged the Orange Gatorade to drown out his sorrows from his terrible, on-field performance. It tasted terrible, but so does losing.
We would like to thank Missimer and Donovan for coming out and showing us the goalie lifestyle. Best of luck this weekend in the senior game against Brown University. And to our fans, we're in Championship form and will be back with a video and another challenge next week. Amen.
