Last week somebody asked me what it was like to be a 180-pound (give or take about 15 pounds) non-athlete, living with two Dartmouth football players. At the time, I didn't really have a good answer, so I just sort of laughed it off.
Since then, however, I've been thinking about it and I've noticed a number of things about the living situation.
In part, because I have no idea what's going on in professional sports since I had to take a week off from SportsCenter after Duke won the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship, and also because I think a lot of people can relate, I've compiled a list of observations about what it is like living with Division-I athletes. Also, I titled each with a relevant quote because I'm looking for cheap laughs.
1) "Rise and shine, it's butt-whooping time" Sanka, "Cool Runnings"
Wanna know my favorite time every morning? 5:45 a.m. Why? Because that's when my roommates' alarms go off for their morning lifts.
Now I usually wake up from their alarms, too, but here's the difference I get to make one or two smart-ass comments, then roll over and go back to sleep. They, on the other hand, need to go get yelled at for an hour. I'm so glad that I'm not them. On a happiness scale, I'm at like a nine out of 10 every time this happens.2) "We talking about practice" Allen Iverson
If there's one thing Dartmouth athletes like to do, it's talk about how tough their practices are. I'd probably estimate that about 15 to 20 percent of all communications between athletes here involve some sort of talk about conditioning. Seriously, the number of times I've heard the details of every component of some team's fitness test or "mat drill" (whatever the hell that is) is probably in the triple digits.3) "We're We're going streaking" Frank Ricard, "Old School"
I think I can safely say that of my roughly 20 or so closest friends from home, I've probably seen two of them naked, tops. If we go on a trip or something, we usually do the towel boxer-shimmy thing, or at least look away.
With my two roommates, and pretty much every other friend of mine who is an athlete, that is far from the case. Athletes seem to have zero qualms about getting completely naked right in front of everyone. I can't even count the amount of times I've been sitting on the couch watching TV and one of my roommates has walked out in the buff, looking to start a conservation about anything. It's like, "Um, doesn't it weird you out at all that you're asking me what classes I'm taking while your ding dong is out in full view?"
Apparently the answer is no.4) "Yeah, but you're a little bitch" Douglas "Swish" Reemer to Kenny "Squeak" Scolari, "Baseketball"
Alright, let me be clear here. I'm in no way comparing myself to Squeaks from Baseketball, but it did seem like the most relevant quote. Remember how, in the movie, no matter what Squeaks argued, the two "South Park" guys would always fall back on just calling him a "little bitch." It didn't matter if Squeaks was clearly right, those guys had their go to and Squeaks couldn't really respond to it.
My roommates often use that kind of cheap tactic too, except in this case it's with me being a non-athlete. Anytime we are making fun of each other, and especially if I'm clearly outwitting them and just crushing them with jokes, they always cheaply revert back to highlighting how I'm a "noner."
Real original I know, but it is actually often tough to counter.
So all-in-all, living with athletes has its ups and downs. Lots of nakedness, it's great sleeping in, you have to hear all about practices and when ragging on your roommates, you have to be prepared for them to use their go-to "noner" line. Plus, anytime someone needs to do some heavy lifting, like bringing a couch up four flights of stairs, you know no one is expecting it to be you.
