So Dartmouth athletics is now partly sponsored by Muscle Milk. Cornell is apparently sponsored by some sort of gum (ba-dum-tsh). Psi U is sponsored by Jack Wills. I think we can do better. Here are some more corporate sponsorships that Dartmouth should have:
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Goldman Sachs Layup city. This goes for any financial services or consulting company, really. Considering the degree to which finance and consulting dominate this school (there are jobs other than banker, consultant, lawyer, doctor and annoying nonprofit environmentalist, you know), this is a no-brainer. Win the Ivies? Here's a job. Ivy Player of the Week? Here's an internship. Dartmouth Rookie of the Week? Eh, we'll take a look at your resume.
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BALCO Hear me out: There are a lot of performance-enhancing drugs that the NCAA doesn't test for. We could totally get away with this. What's the real difference between getting free Muscle Milk and free HGH anyway, besides legality? This could seriously help Dartmouth athletics get to that next level. With no scholarships, it's no secret that the Big Green can't recruit top-shelf, monster athletes. So instead, we should artificially create them. Imagine an army of 'roided-out Big Green athletes under the direction of athletic director Bob Ceplikas and Victor Conte. It's ingenious.
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Anheuser-Busch I only add this because a sponsorship for any part of the College by Anheuser-Busch would be a smart move on Anheuser-Busch's part. This campus is dominated by MillerCoors (Keystone is made by Coors), but any sort of incentive would immediately switch the entire campus over to Bud Light and hit rival Coors where it hurts. Can you imagine beer companies fighting for our love? It would be a dream come true.
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U.S. Tobacco Let's be honest, athletes dip. A lot. This would be perfect for a lot of teams. We could name fields after brands. Thompson Arena presented by Copenhagen. Wintergreen Skoal Memorial Field (get it? WinterGREEN?). Even better wait for it! SKOALy-Fahey Field. You can't deny it, that's a pun match made in heaven.
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Citigroup For the swimming and diving team. Because if any team ever needed a bailout here, it's the swim team.
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Red Bull Red Bull should sponsor the 1902 Room. There could be Red Bull dispensers on every table that deliver delicious, energizing horse piss, like those old-fashioned tube delivery systems. This, like Anheuser-Busch, would help Red Bull compete against its main rivals, particularly those of the study-buddy variety.
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T-Pain we need to figure this out somehow for one reason, and one reason only: we need announcers to auto-tune Dartmouth sports games. What would be more entertaining than hearing the announcer all rattled because he can't figure out why his voice is sounding so strange over the loudspeaker? Even better, we could get T-Pain to do guest spots over the mic during games: "Connor Kempe passes to Niles Murphy for a six-yard gain, SHAWTAY." I defy anyone to say they wouldn't attend that game.
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General Motors GM should sponsor the football team, because neither of them has really been any good since the 1960s, except for a couple of decent products (Escalades, Jay Fiedler '94). Maybe they can find solace in each other.
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New Zealand Tourism Bureau Another huge layup. They should clearly sponsor the soccer team. Two reasons: First, we need to refill on Kiwi talent to carry our team for the next four years. Second, we could probably work something out with Flight of the Conchords, which would rule.
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GEICO And finally, GEICO should sponsor the sociology major, because it's so easy, a caveman could do it.
There's a lot of potential here. Dartmouth is undergoing ridiculous budget cuts, and I say we completely sell out and get everything sponsored. The Annie's Mac & Cheese Collis Center. The Chick-Fil-A associate professor of psychology. The Green, brought to you by Weeds, on Showtime this fall. Let's make some cheddar.
