Frequent late-night visitors to my Facebook profile were disappointed to learn last week that I am now listed as "In a relationship." The move comes at a time when many Dartmouth "dating scene" "experts" claim that campus, at the fabled crux of the "X-Curve," is supposed to explode with hook up potential. Yet, I have chosen to eschew this advice and take the opposite road: a sophomore summer relationship.
While you might find it hard to give up your dreams of going home every night with a different one of all the new friends you're making this term, sophomore summer is a fantastic time for a relationship. And if I'm wrong about this, well, misery loves company.
I've found that being in a relationship tends to result in having someone around who will laugh at your jokes. This will make me feel better later when I realize this column isn't as funny as I was trying to make it. A relationship also lets you practice hitting on people without the painful sting of rejection if things don't go the way you were hoping. After all, you weren't really trying anyway.
Starting a relationship can be tricky, although the number of people who will want to get something going should dramatically increase after you read this. There are a couple of routes you could choose, just like on Legends of the Hidden Temple. You could try what I call "The Room of the Three Gargoyles approach," as in where the kid in the yellow helmet had to press the tongues of gargoyles until the door opened. Likewise, you can walk around a basement making out with people until one says "Hey, you're a great kisser," and, thus, the door to a summer relationship opens.
Or you could choose to go through the Ledges. This involves crawling on your hands and knees back to that person you "dated" for a week during orientation and seeing if they are still interested. Frequent viewers of Legends will tell you that almost nobody chose this approach, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't.
For those of you already hooking up with someone and thinking about taking the next step, I recommend the Shrine of the Silver Monkey approach. You've already put the base down, now you have to find the body. Start using the future tense with your "friend." Make plans for at least a week in advance. If this works and a temple guard doesn't jump out and grab you, you're ready to proceed.
Next comes placing the monkey head. The equivalent to carefully placing it on the body would be a serious conversation with your "friend." The other approach is to grab the head and slam it into the body, hoping you got everything right. If this is your approach, I would recommend just going onto Facebook and requesting a relationship. It's easy and doesn't require a whole lot of thought. In fact, less is probably better.
If the door opens, you're in a sophomore summer relationship. Good luck.
