At a time when men and women on campus are at each others' throats, it's best to take a step back and look to our roots. Sex columnist and goddess of lust Sandra Himen brings things back down to the evolutionary level.
In the animal kingdom, the sexually liberated female is virtually extinct.
Take the common fruit fly, phylum drosophila melanogaster, as a textbook example. In this ubiquitous species, the male fruit flies have evolved a rather exotic adaptation to ensure his woman won't shack up with other dudes: I give you, toxic sperm. That's right, this poisonous seminal fluid induces a state of post-coital coma in the female, shutting off her libido, destroying any foreign ingested semen and significantly reducing her life span.
From an evolutionary standpoint, such ejaculatory "roofies" are rather genius. Sperm-carrying females in a comatose state are much less likely to mate with other males, thus greatly increasing the individual male's probability of producing surviving offspring and, in the eloquent words of The Roots, "push his seed."
The trade-off for the female, however, is not so pleasant. Woefully intolerant to the toxic sperm, most females live out their brief existence in a succession of "laids": (got) laid, laid (eggs), and laid (to rest).
While it may seem the noncommittal macho-man has once again triumphed, the females have fought back, secreting their own natural antidote to "sleepy sperm." This phenomenon has been deemed the "chase away hypothesis" of animal evolution -- the idea that dichotomies in males and female mating strategies have generated sexually antagonistic patterns of evolution.
Case in point: Male tyrannosaurus rex evolves small front legs to better mount female; female evolves spiky tail. Male guppies evolve an anal fin used to "thrust" sperm at the female; females have in turn evolved a sperm-storing sac. When filled to capacity, this sperm sac allows her to shut off gonopore (read: fish vagina) activity. Guppies thus propose a refreshing alternative to the "time of the month" excuse: "Sorry, can't tonight. Sac's already full."
Now let's apply this same logic to the frat scene. Male brother evolves the patented behind-the-shoulder butt grab, female evolves pepper spray. And as for toxic sperm, I think most females on this campus will agree the males have developed their own, slightly less organic concoction to achieve the same effect: Keystone, cheesy pick up lines and no morning-after blitz. Lethal.
But why all this sexual tension? If the human female orgasm, according to some studies, produces three times the pleasure-inducing dopamine in the female brain relative to the male counterpart, why the continued resistance? Well, at least from a biological standpoint, there's just not that much in it for us.
Let's review what we learned about sex from fourth grade health class. Men and women fall in love, get married and exchange gamete-bearing fluid. Woman cranks out three rosy-cheeked infants and they live happily ever after. Sex is a mutually good thing for both partners assuming you are married, keep your clothes on and the lights off and don't touch), right?
Well, that's not the whole story. Let's look at the proximate physiological effects of sex: the orgasm results in a post-coital surge of a hormone known as oxytocin in the brain of both sexes.
In the female, oxytocin results in feelings of emotional attachment, clinginess and a general desire to cuddle -- all of which decrease our foraging and mating potential. Oxytocin, in fact, is the same hormone that is secreted in large doses during labor and breast feeding to effectively evoke a sense of compassion towards the newborn infant.
In the male, however, this potent chemical generally just results in sleepiness. Go figure.
As for the long-term effects, a female hopped up on hormones will dutifully care to the young'uns. Meanwhile, the male takes advantage of his partner's distraction to continue exerting his manhood on other potential sperm-carrying vessels. Try using that lingo at the next gender forum.
And if this weren't enough of an incentive for abstinence, the act of copulation results, at least in human females, in a nine-month period of perpetual bloating, loss of bowel control and a good 30 pounds in baby weight -- further deterrents to keep the male species busy in the bush. Because honestly, who wants to have sex with a bloated, constipated chick?
In terms of evolutionary gender roles, women got the brute end of the deal. For us, the one-night stand comes with a whole load of emotional -- not to mention physical -- baggage, making the prospect of a successful sex buddy a dream deferred. It's a matter of nature verses nurture: at what point do the benefits of no commitments, no emotional ties and buffet-style free sex outweigh our own genetic predispositions. Will we ever be able to overcome sexual differences and reach a healthy medium? Is it even physiologically possibly?
While evolutionary biology may put a negative spin on the possibility of harmonious gender relations, it does provide one last hopeful possibility. The "chase away" hypothesis proposes that although males may adapt more extreme characteristics -- toxic sperm, bigger stature, pepper spray tolerance -- the women that co-evolve a preference for these traits are a rare breed.
Translated into Dartmouth-ian terms, this hypothesis would provide biological-based evidence that most women, when given the opportunity, will forego hypermasculine, beer-chugging, steroid-popping, machismo for the highly underrated "nice guy." Although more research must be conducted, at least preliminary findings serve as good news for Sig Nus everywhere.
Sandra is a writer for The Mirror. She has absolutely no compulsive quirks whatsoever, just kinky fetishes.
