Welcome, to Episode 3 of the Sonic Rage Cage, and as they say, "Third is the one with the hairy chest." The theme of this week's Mirror is "Team Topside," and even though that has no relevance to music, we will stick to the topic of our column. Because it's easy and involves little thinking, we are going to go through our iTunes libraries on shuffle, and just say a couple words about the song that comes up. Yes, we're trying to show off how large and diverse our iTunes libraries are. "Real" men have large iTunes libraries ... and they have at least one Toni Braxton tune.
DJ Untrustworthy Jon Simpson: So DJ Ben Nomo Davis on the Microphone, what's first in your library?
DJ Ben Nomo Davis on the Microphone: Well, let's see. It's "Crash Into Me" from the Dave Matthews Band, Live in Chicago. What a sour note to start on. Like everyone, I think, this goes back to my high school days, when all my guitar-playing, pot-smoking friends raved about how sweet "Dave" was and how his Band was the best live act of all time. Like you really know Dave Matthews enough to call him "Dave".
"Dude, me and him bonded at that show when I was sandwiched between that whirling dervish and that pregnant lady, Dave saw me. Dave, man, Dave."
And I bought into it, I admit. I even went to a concert, and enjoyed it.
DJ Blacked-Out Soil: Dave's so Dartmouth.
DJ UJS: You didn't poke smot in high school?
DJBNDOTM: Now, listening to the song, I fail to see the brilliance I used to. Cheesy drum fills, dumb lyrics that are very obviously sexual beneath their thin, cheap veil of creativity. Dave's voice can sound nice, but just as frequently it sounds so awkwardly gruff that I can't bear to listen to it. Next Song. DJ Untrustworthy, you're up.
DJ UJS: "Agnus Dei" from Mozart's Requiem. First of all, this was not even written by Mozart. When he died in 1791, the death mass was incomplete, and his pupil Franz Sussmayer finished one of many versions of the Requiem that exist today. While it beautifully puts the focus of the piece on the chorus from the orchestra, hearing this juxtaposed with the beginning of the Requiem, completely penned by Mozart, makes me more nauseous than the time I caught my roommate with pictures of Food Court Larry. While both are beautiful men, the thought makes me cringe, which is what happens when I hear someone call this Mozart. The dramatic dynamic contrast does remind me of the true Requiem, and Sussmayer even gets many of the flute and oboe runs that connect the different sections of the movement to sound like Mozart's, but coming from someone who purely enjoys listening to classical music instead of pulling it apart theoretically, this piece just doesn't do it for me. All talk, no walk.
DJ BNDOTM: Anyway... Next on my shuffle comes "Sweet Child O' Mine," off of Guns n' Roses' "Appetite for Destruction". From the opening guitar riff I am thrilled that I will have the pleasure of writing about this amazing song for you.
Yes, this cheesy, 80s rocker is one of my favorite songs of all time. The guitar riff, Axl Rose's raspy, screaming voice, Slash's face-melting guitar solos, there is absolutely nothing to complain about in this song.
The form of the song is great as well. I get to rock out through the verses and choruses, enjoy the guitar solos as the song begins to rock a little harder; Axl screams a little more, Slash's second guitar solo builds up in speed and intensity, and then we get to the breakdown. Lucky us. As a low bass voice sings the profound question, "Where do we go now?" and the guitar only rarely chimes in with little licks, the song gets more intense; it sounds ominous, like something ferocious is coming. And where do we go, Axl?
As Axl repeats "Ay ay ay ay ay ay ay" (as in ay caramba), the instruments return in full and then Axl starts screaming his lungs out, hitting notes so high you wonder if he has any testicles. And so the song ends. What a great f*cking song.
DJ UJS: Agreed.
DJ BOS: Where DO we go now? Well. With all the hidden secrets of my soul, and thus iTunes library, I fear the worst. Lets spin the wheel.Well, as suspected, we landed on something slightly embarrassing. "Mouth" by Merril Bainbridge. I'm going to use the same scapegoat DJBNDOTM used and say that this is song from a much more "flamboyant," bubblegum-loving, tap dancing past of mine. Now, I know that most of you probably won't remember this song by its title, but oh, do we all know and love it deep down inside. The beat is priceless: right off the bat we get a good, thumping, head-bobbing beat, but interspersed throughout the background are sounds reminiscent of smacking saliva and gurgling liquids that drown the singer as she sings of her desires to swap spit. Hot.
I would have to say the lyrics are really what get me, though. How can you go wrong with "When I kiss your mouth, I wanna taste it. Turn you upside down, don't want to waste it." That's just straight-up disgusting. Do we really need get this graphic, Merril? I don't even want to imagine what taste she is talking about exactly (I've never kissed anyone), but even worse, "turn you upside down?" I just see her turning someone upside down, holding them above her with her surprising animal strength, and letting drops and ropes of spit dribble out of their mouth as she catches it in her own like momma's milk. GRIM. Bottom line: this is why I don't ever put iTunes on shuffle.
DJ UJS: Unnecessary mental image.
DJ BNDOTM: Lets just keep going. What else do you have, Soil?
DJ BOS: OK. Much better this time. "Peace Piece" by Bill Evans. Tremendous song, and quite a jazz standard. One of the biggest cats in the world after bop, Evans knocks my socks off.
He played with Miles, Dizzy G, all the big guys, yet he still manages to be a nasty, but simple pianist. The track is just a bunch of chords that he plays over and over again in the same progression for a while, and in the meantime, he improvises over the top with some pretty crazy stuff. I like that the form is so basic, but because the guy is making it up, it's always going to be a different jam every time he plays it: what comes out depends on him and his mood, and I like that the song feels so personal. Plus it's just a gorgeous tune. It flows like waves coming in and out over and over again while there's this pretty melodic line that keeps me wondering what's coming next.
DJ BNDOTM: Nice simile.
DJ. BOS: Thanks.
So. Either you listened to our advice and are now purging your computer of all Dave Matthews recordings (don't do this ...you l-o-v-e Dave), or you're too busy playing hopscotch on the sidewalk with a sweatshirt tied around your waist. That's old-school. Either way, you may or may not see more columns from us in the future. But remember, we are just filler: the iceberg lettuce of The Mirror. But who cares, it's the texture that counts, and you best believe, we have texture like a ribbed condom. Rispetto. Molto bene.
