The Draft Board

Round 1

1. The Dude: "The Big Lebowski" (Adam)

Adam: Before I comment on the first pick of the draft, I'd like to point out that during this week's draft I was a) drunk, and b) completely unprepared. I don't really remember how the draft went, so it will be interesting to see if my team sucks or not. Okay, now that I've explained that, let's look at the first pick. Apparently, I drafted The Dude. What a great pick! The Dude is probably the coolest person I know because he rocks jellies, a bathrobe and sunglasses while drinking out of a milk carton in the local supermarket. If all my picks are this good, I'll have a stellar team.

Fred: I can't say Adam's selection the first overall pick surprised me as he opened with the draft with the question: "Am I the only drunk one here?" Honestly, who gets drunk on Tuesday night? The Dude did and Adam can certainly find a role model in him.

1. Carl Spackler: "Caddyshack" (Fred)

Adam: Hmm, Fred made a good decision and drafted Carl Spackler. Normally I would accuse Fred of cheating off my pre-draft list, but I didn't have one this week, so he may have actually come up with that one on his own. Or maybe he's taking illegal performance-enhancing steroids.

Fred: ("Caddyshack" Writer/Director) Harold Ramis: "So, you want to be a psychotic groundskeeper obsessed with killing gophers?"

Bill Murray: "Hmmm, yes."

Mark: As great as Carl is, he's not even the funniest character in the film. That honor would go to Judge Smails. While Fred had the right idea by copying my pick from the "Best Sports Movies" draft, he messed up by taking the wrong guy.

1. Irwin M. Fletcher: "Fletch" (Mark)

Fred: Chevy Chase, 1980s great. You may ask what is he doing now? Well, he most recently displayed his talents as the voice of Cho-Cho in "The Karate Dog" in 2004. Should have quit while he was ahead.

Adam: The great thing about Fletch is that he's really a bunch of different characters rolled into one. Kind of like Hawaiian punch. Unquestionably Chevy Chase's best performance even though I don't like Hawaiian punch.

Round 2

1. John McLane: "Die Hard" (Mark)

Mark: The trendy, unoriginal pick for an action hero would be someone like James Bond or Batman. But McLane was a character one could relate to, and was just as resourceful but much more believable than other more cartoonish action stars. Yippee-ki-yay, motherf-----.

1. James Bond (Fred)

Fred: The ultimate "guys want to be him, girls want him" character. It speaks volumes about the strength of the character that it appealed to women as much in 2002 as it did in 1962 and has made it through a handful of different actors.

1. Batman (Adam)

Adam: Speaking of gadgets and asskickery, I took Batman with my second pick. What a great move! Fred, shut the hell up. Batman is rich, handsome, a ninja, a guy in a bat costume, a philanthropist and a great guy. Anybody who disagrees with this pick is probably just jealous because they forgot to put him on their list.

Fred: A terrible choice. We are talking about Michael Keaton right? I'd look like one of the best characters of all time too if Val Kilmer and George Clooney had filled the role after me, it's impossible for him not to look good. He also had Tim Burton directing while the later two had Joel Shumacher behind the camera, quite an artistic step down.

Round 3

1. Tony Montana: "Scarface" (Adam)

Adam: And then I took Tony Montana. Oh man, I am on fire. What do me and every decent rapper in the country have in common? We both identify with the movie, "Scarface," because it's about overcoming your status as a lower class minority, rising up the ranks of a difficult profession, doing boatloads of coke, shooting people, and saying things like "SAY 'ELLO TO MY LI'L FREN."

1. Axel Foley: "Beverly Hills Cop" (Fred)

Fred: Sweetest truly '80s character after Carl Spackler, and as we all know '80s characters were the most complete in film history. The depth of Axel's grief in trying to avenge Mikey's death is striking.

Adam: BAL-CO, BAL-CO, BAL-CO

Mark: An astute pick, but for 1980s Eddie Murphy characters I'd have to take Randy Watson, the hilarious singer from "Coming to America." No other character could have led a supporting band named "Sexual Chocolate" any better.

1. Frank Drebin: "Naked Gun" (Mark)

Mark: Quite possibly the most consistently funny character in film. His deadpan humor is unbelievable. Who else could screw up the national anthem or roll off the following line with such a straight face: "Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute before until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat."

Adam: I love Frank Drebin. That's why I made a website devoted to pasting his head on male porn stars' naked bodies. Then the feds made me take the site down. But it was only because I had pictures of little boys on there too. The Drebin porn was acceptable.

Round 4

1. Nigel Tufnel: "This Is Spinal Tap" (Mark)

Adam: Christopher Guest as Nigel is awesome. Best guitar solo in a movie ever.

Mark: "This Is Spinal Tap" happens to be the best movie ever made. Nigel just beats out his band mates David St. Hubbins and Derek Smalls to be deemed that movie's best character.

1. Verbal Kint: "The Usual Suspects" (Fred)

Fred: I am impressed by anyone who can show their acting talent simply through their feet. Everyone who saw Verbal's feet stop limping let go a collective gasp as everything came together for the audience at the same moment it did for Chazz Palminteri. Kint remained just as believable as a crippled con man as he did a criminal mastermind.

1. Satine: "Moulin Rouge" (Adam)

Adam: Gorgeous, talented, tragic. Oh, Satine. Such a wonderful story. If anyone makes fun of me for this pick, I'll put a fist through his or her face. Oh, and in a related story, I walked out of my film class on Tuesday and they had a bunch of free movie posters and I found "The Human Stain," which was ironic, because it is this very picture of Nicole Kidman that was plastered all over the streets of Paris while I was there. I almost went insane. Or maybe I did. It's hard to know sometimes. But anyway, now the poster is over my desk.

Mark: Everyone saw this one coming when Adam asked me prior to the draft, "Am I allowed to choose five Nicole Kidman characters?" He had a good team going until this pick sunk his chances.

Round 5

1. Willy Mays Hayes: "Major League" (Adam)

Adam: I could have taken Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn but I guess the thinking here was that I needed some diversity. Willy Mays Hayes is just as funny and he gives my team more speed and depth.

1. Mad Max (Fred)

Adam: This is what I have in my notes:

Fred: Who does the Miami Heat coach remind you of?

Mark and Me: Um, Ron Jeremy?

Fred: Yeah!

Me: You know that's, like, the least original observation you could ever make, right?

Fred: Whatever.

Yes, the whole world knows that Stan Van Gundy looks like Ron Jeremy. We've graduated past the point of having to draw attention to it. You just call him Ron Jeremy now. That's how it works.

1. The shark: "Jaws" (Mark)

Adam: Hmmm, what a surprise that Mark took a great white shark. Yes, a great WHITE shark. Mark has once again assembled the most racist and sexist team possible. I guess it's not surprising since he's from Virginia. And while Fred did draft a black guy, there are no females on his team. Let's look at my team for contrast. I have a black guy, a hippie, a prostitute, a superhero and a Cuban. Sounds like a picture that Admissions might want to use for their brochures.

Fred: Wow. Not to knock animals but I can think of at least three animals I would pick ahead of the shark, not to mention at least one inanimate object and countless humans. Willy of "Free Willy" fame was a more complete character, at least the animals in "Dr. Dolittle" can talk and I was more frightened by Cujo than I ever was by a shark. Honestly, all you have to do is stay out of the water; what a one-dimensional villain.

Mark: What other movie villain could play such a significant role in people's lives (by convincing them to stay out of the water) than the shark. Additionally, as an environmental lover that more often than not recycles his extra pages from GreenPrint, I denounce the blatant refusal of my cohorts to ignore the rest of animal kingdom in their draft selections. I am the only one to pick a mammal other than a human to my team. Or a reptile, or whatever it is.

The writers of The Draft Board solicited the opinions of our three beautiful and talented female correspondents on their favorite movie characters.

Ann Scott: I'm going to go with Beetlejuice for the best movie character of all time. Why? Well, not entirely sure but as a small child I was slightly obsessed with the movie so there has to be something exciting about him.

Dana LaMendola: The obvious answer would be Lloyd Christmas, as I am currently staring at the poster of Harry and him on a hog on the way to Assspennn. Or Willy Wonka. I was always jealous of how he sipped on the flower cup and then bit into it. Finally, little Mikey from the Goonies. I mean honestly, even with the asthma, what a guy. He was responsible for the most inspirational movie speech ever: "Right now, they got to do what's right for them. Because it's their time. Their time! Up there! Down here, it's our time. It's our time down here. That's all over the second we ride up Troy's bucket." Gives me the chills every time.

Polly Spot: This is easy: Legolas (no need for a last name) of The Lord of the Rings trilogy. Clearly, the fellowship would have gone to heck in a hand basket if it wasn't for this capable elf. He only didn't take the ring himself because he wanted to make the trip interesting. Note also how he speaks only when necessary. And his words are so powerful. The three movies didn't need any other characters. I would have been perfectly willing to see nine hours of Legolas just sitting in a chair. And I would have bought the DVD set too.