You probably didn't know we took over the Canadiens the other day. The long awaited American conquest of that "country" to the north is finally underway. It didn't take guns, tanks, bombs, or even a slingshot. An American just waltzed past an oblivious Mountie and bought 80 percent of those wacky Canadiens.
I'm talking about the hockey team.
Millionaire George H. Gilbert, Jr. purchased the storied Montreal Canadiens franchise on Wednesday. And the best part about it: Gilbert's a McDonald's-eating, Star Spangled Banner-humming, red, white, and blue-bleeding American. An American owns the Canadiens. Well, not all of them, just four-fifths.
President George W. Bush calls Gilbert's seizure "a great day for the American people. This is the first step in conquering Canada, joining the two countries together, and forming one beautiful nation that I will deem The United States of Amerinada."
Gilbert paid $183 million Canadian, roughly ten U.S. bucks, to become the principle owner of the franchise and its home arena, The Molson Center. Many fans feel a U.S. presence in the ownership box would taint the memory of such NHL greats as Maurice "Rocket" Richard, Jean Beliveau, and Guy LaFleur. But this wouldn't be the first blow to hockey pride in Montreal. In 1996 the team left their former arena, The Forum (the NHL's equivalent of Fenway Park) and auctioned off each one of the team's 24 Stanley Cup banners.
NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman has tempered the stinging pangs of wounded pride by promising fans the team won't be leaving Montreal any time soon. Gilbert, who formerly owned the Dolphins and Harlem Globetrotters, has made similar promises to respect Canadian honor and customs -- with a few exceptions. In a press conference on Wednesday, Gilbert said, "I just want to win a Cup. But you can be sure that now that there's a Yankee running thing there's going to be some changes." Gilbert told a nervous throng of reporters that he planned to get rid of that "wimpy" maple leaf on the flag and "take care of this 11-month winter thing." He went on to add, "and you can kiss that fandangled Metric System goodbye."
Many Canadians are distraught. Pierre Franklin, an economist at the University of Quebec, says, "the heart has gone out of hockey, to be replaced by a gang of mercenaries."
To which President Bush retorted, "I don't know what that means. Is he calling us some kind of gang of funny canaries?"
Long-time Ottawa native, Sherri Remmelts thinks "the Americans are probably just getting back at us for forcing Alex Trebek on them."
Dartmouth students are seemingly apathetic about the forthcoming revolution. A freshman told The Dartmouth, "I really don't care what they change up there in Montreal, as long as they don't mess with a certain super 'le club.'"
It is surprising that with the swirling differences of opinion, former owner Dan F. O'Neill has emerged relatively unscathed by criticism. He's defended himself claiming that there was not a single Canadian company or group of individuals on the list of potential buyers. With his hands tied, O'Neill had little choice but to turn the team over to a carpetbagger.
The Habs, as the team is referred to in Montreal, are in last place and haven't won a Cup since 1993. It's probably going to take a Statue of Liberty-sized miracle to turn them around. George H. Gilbert seems to be the most qualified man to do it. Why? Because he's an American, damn it.
"It's certainly going to take a time of adjustment," Gilbert told me in confidence last night. "I went to a diner for breakfast and ordered me some bacon, but I got a little circle of ham. I tried telling the waitress but she was speaking a funny language I didn't understand." He added, "But rest assured. We will take over this country."
God Bless Amerinada.
Editor's Note: This column was written in jest; the quotations within are fictitious.
