Alternate Ways to Stalk Your Crush

By Nicole Salet | 2/19/17 2:04pm

Ever had that one undeniable, (lone) pining infatuation with someone and long to learn more about their extravagant and #extremely#interesting life without risking liking a photo from their vacay to Cabo in 2009? Nicole Salet here with a comprehensive guide on finding out just about everything you need to know about that cutie you’ve got a crush on. 

Will this article be weird or creepy? Yes. 

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Will that really stop you from using these tools? Let’s be real, no. 

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We’ll separate this guide into two key categories: whether you know your crush’s name or not.

If you know your crush’s name:

Venmo:  

Does your crush put funny captions for payments? If so, is he actually funny? Or does he just come off kind of douchey and annoying (i.e. crush paid so and so for “hella bottles ;)” … gag)

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Is your crush always paying people or vice versa? This could speak to generosity if it’s the former or a tendency not to carry cash on her for the former. ALSO! What is your crush paying for? Mostly food (probably a keeper in that case), mostly questionable methods of entertainment (the leaf or mushroom emoji, but hey if that’s your thing, then also a keeper in this case), mostly unimportant everyday stuff (gas)? Basically, you can learn about someone by what she spends $$$ on.

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LinkedIn: 

This is a gooood one to separate the cream from the crop. Are you looking for a ~professional~ bae? 

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Does said bae have goals, aspirations, an impressive resume? (Despite still being in college and not the real world). There also might be a professional head shot (because you’ve got to be your #Best #Self on LinkedIn) that you can swoon over in secret. 

! Attention !  LinkedIn shows people who views their profile, so if you want to be stealthy, you might want to create a false account. #baewatch

SoundCloud/Spotify: 

This is necessary if you (or your crush) are really into music. Could your crush also be into the same music as you? Could these similar tastes be a segue into a conversation? Or maybe you can impress him by casually dropping the name of his favorite band (even if it’s a completely underground group with a name like The Headless Chickens) while you’re talking to him. Make sure you do your research, though. You don’t want to get caught being a fake fan (even if you are).

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ALSO, Soundcloud in particular is huge for budding artists — maybe your crush even makes her own music! Whether it is good (or maybe not so good), it definitely will make you fall even more head over heels for your ~potential bae~. 

YouTube: 

If available, YouTube Channels are almost ALWAYS a gold mine and are my personal favorite form of stalking. There are so many options to investigate. While I could write a short story about this one, I’ll keep it short. Watch their videos. Check what they comment, and what they comment on to learn what they watch, their interests and whether you can find common ground ;). (See how this works?) Check their likes and dislikes: sort of by applying the same logic as checking Twitter likes, this can really show their true colors about who they are and what they enjoy. 

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If you don’t know their name, DON’T BE DISCOURAGED! I’m here to solve all of your problems.

If you don’t know your crush's name:

Does he/she play a sport?

First things first, take a long, hard look at bae. Are they tall? Check out crew, basketball or volleyball rosters. Giving you some Michael Phelps vibes? Hit up the swim team roster. Have no idea? Just peruse every sports roster until you find their name. How hard can it be? Besides, then you can read up on the stats and see how great of an athlete bae really is.

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Then, you have multiple courses of action you can follow — organized by level of creep, of course. Identify the Foco table that the team always sits at and plan your dinner times and seating arrangements around it. The more bae sees you, the more chances to talk/run into/notice each other.

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And now —  this is big, kids — start planning your workouts around bae’s lifts (super creeper level right here). For example, if lift ends at 6, walk to the gym around 6:30 so you have a chance of bumping into bae (allotting 30 minutes for showering and changing and so on). It’s all about the math.

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Are they affiliated? 

Have you seen bae around wearing his Greek letters proudly? Still don’t know his name? First, check the sophomore summer cover photos of any upperclassmen you know to see if you can spot your unbeknownst bae, which almost always gives an insight on his personality and, most importantly, his name. You can also check out the sorority or fraternity websites for useful information. If this fails, ask friends who are in the same organization about your crush.

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Secondly, you can literally just go to said frat or sorority. Every. Single. On night. (advanced creeper level)

Does bae work?

This one is super easy – if you spot bae bussing tables at Molly's or running the register at the Co-Op, just check his or her name tag. 

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Once you’re good on that, you might have to make some sacrifices for the next one. 

Allot for some extra time in your schedule to go to the place of work. Is your crush a barista at Dirt Cowboy? Make that walk. It’s all about commitment, people! If, by some misfortune, she works at Novack Café, you might have to make some dietary sacrifices (the most painful sacrifices of all) and settle for that less-than-delicious Novack menu just to catch a glimpse of bae.

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The moral of the story is – where there’s a will, THERE IS ALWAYS A WAY. 

Happy stalking my friends!


Nicole Salet