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What Your Ice Cream Fore-U Order Says About You

(07/18/16 1:40pm)

Soft-Serve Vanilla with Rainbow Sprinkles:You are #basic. You really only order this particular type of ice cream so you can photograph it for your Instagram. At Starbucks, you’re probably a pumpkin spice latte kind of person, and you regularly order KAF salads for lunch. There’s nothing wrong with preferring to blend in with the crowd. We all do it sometimes, like when we pretend to be studying while eating lunch alone (rather than flaunting the fact that no one responded to our 15 “anyone for lunch @now??” GroupMe messages).

25 Things You Should Name After Yourself When You Become a Wealthy Donor

(07/09/16 3:37pm)

Amidst pulling all-nighters studying for exams, working multiple jobs to pay for college and giving up our childhood dreams of becoming an astronaut or professional athlete to major in Econ, it’s easy for us to forget what it’s all for. We’re at a premier Ivy League institution, struggling to find something worthwhile to do with our lives to rationalize paying over $60,000 a year in tuition. We want to lead successful lives, provide comfortable living situations for our families and pursue fulfilling careers.

How to Spend Your Extra 195 Minutes Per Week

(06/30/16 5:43pm)

So you’re taking two classes this term. That’s okay: $23,158 doesn’t need to buy you three classes, does it? It’s not like you’re wasting $7,719 of your (well, your parents') money! Those two huge layups are just as reasonable an expense as any other course could ever be. Plus, it’s sophomore summer and you’ve got better things to do with all that extra time. You’ve got an extra 195 to 220 minutes per week, and you’ve got to spend them on some absolutely fantastic activities, things that really improve your education. You wouldn’t want to waste a term at Dartmouth, after all.

Presidential Candidates Play Masters

(06/24/16 11:56am)

Realizing suddenly that the American electoral system was broken beyond repair, representatives of many branches of government, all fifty states and both major parties elected to utilize a different system for electing the 45th president of the United States of America. While it pained Dartbeat to learn early yesterday morning that the traditional Masters tournament would be cancelled this summer, our sadness was quickly assuaged when we learned why: the presidential candidates already held their own championship on Dartmouth’s campus this summer term.

16X Bucket List

(06/24/16 11:36am)

At the start of every term, naïvely optimistic Dartmouth students throwimpressive but far-fetched ideas onto a rough “to-do list” with their friends, saying to themselves, “This time, we’ll complete the list.” But let’s be honest, does that ever actually happen? No, because before you realize it, it’s week nine and you’re drowning in midterms (yes, even during week nine) and gearing up for finals, not to mention plunging deeper into the sinkhole of negative DBA. But if there’s one term to complete a bucket list, it’s sophomore summer – supposedly the most fun term of our college careers.

How to Get Your Ideal Summer Bod

(06/23/16 6:25pm)

As the great philosopher Nelly foretold in A.D. 2002, "It’s getting hot in herre [sic], so take off all your clothes." And with the rising temperatures, 16X is full of reasons to de-robe, from visiting the river, copper mines and ledges for swimming, to hiking for the sake of taking that adorable and totally original picture of you topless and staring into the wilderness below, to streaking finals and other classic forms of Dartmouth buffoonery.

If Commencement Speakers Told the Truth

(05/27/16 11:17am)

Well, ladies and gentlemen, you made it. You, the graduating Class of 2016, are about to enter the terrifying world the rest of us have been screwing up for quite some time now. Don’t listen to the people who tell you the Middle East is imploding, the migrant crisis is unsolvable or the economy is on the verge of crumbling again. (Those people worry too much.) Instead, hold your head high and embrace your imminent enslavement to the market, corporate overlords and student debt. Want to know almost no one, work your ass off for scraps and be responsible for paying for absolutely everything? Whether you answer “yes” or “no,” it doesn’t matter—the future is inevitable, and there is nothing you can do to stop it from screwing you where the sun don’t shine.

Beyond the Bubble: Blood, Sweat and Diarrhea

(05/27/16 10:55am)

"It’s so funny how everyone’s totally comfortable telling people they have food poisoning, and everyone pretty much knows what they’re talking about, but no one can ever just say they have diarrhea." This observation came around week two of the term, when roughly two-thirds of our group had fallen at the hands (fins? hooves?) of meat purchased from open-air markets. (Europe, you invented refrigeration. Use it.) However, as the term went on, I found it became a particularly apt metaphor for my experience abroad as a whole. Stick with me.

Dealing with Streakers

(05/26/16 11:00am)

Ahhh, streaking. Dartmouth has a weird obsession with it that I’ve never quite understood. The idea of public nudity is incredibly unappealing to me for a lot of reasons, but some people around here seem to love it. I would guess that they think it’s liberating? Maybe they like the feel of air in places that don’t usually see the light of day? Or the adrenaline rush that comes with the fear of being arrested? Maybe they just want a tan? I don’t know. To me, running around naked just seems like a jiggly mess. But regardless of how anyone on this campus feels about streaking, one thing is for certain: as the end of spring term approaches, the probability of seeing someone in the nude increases exponentially.

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