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(10/12/12 2:00am)
Prince William and Prince Harry. Are they even real brothers?!?
Mary Kate and Ashley. Except that they would probably drop out after a year. Too real.
The Weasley brothers. You know, in case our next president turns out to be another Dolores Umbridge.
The Kennedys. Maybe we'd finally get that Taylor Swift concert, after all.
Paris and Nicky Hilton. Nevermind.
(10/05/12 2:00am)
You know that laundromat on Allen Street that recently and suddenly shut down? Pretty sure the only laundering they did there was with money.
Joe Asch is the head of DDS.
The bonfire is cancelled this year... Less blazing, less hazing.
The glass study rooms on FFB are actually experiments conducted by the psych department.
Jim Kim has a lower back tattoo.
(09/28/12 2:00am)
DinerToure. Phenomenal breakfast food might be the only thing that would get us to wake up at 6:15 a.m. when we don't have class until 10 a.m.
Purchased something from Khawachen on Main Street. Have you seen their throw pillows?!?!
Created something awesome at the ceramics studio. Priya has actually tried doing this before but couldn't find it. Anyone know where it is?
Gone to the corn maze. It's like "Signs" without the aliens!
Hiked the 50. JK! But actually, good luck this weekend...
(09/21/12 2:00am)
Men's rugby team vs. women's rugby team: We actually have no idea who would come out alive.
Dean Johnson and the "silent majority" vs. all of campus
Dirt Cowboy vs. Starbucks. Fight the machine!
'13s vs. the job market
Old man FoCo vs. Ma Thayer
The Dartmouth vs. The Aegis: Can we share photographers? Please?
Our Sports editor wants to see an all-out battle royale between all 10 a cappella groups. So do we.
Dartmouth campus gingers vs. dementors
KAF baked goods vs. Collis baked goods
Dart Dorm vs. Rockefeller Beds vs. Big Green Noodles vs. Bibimbros vs. Evolving Vox
(09/14/12 2:00am)
Jones Media Center becomes like the Baker Bells and accepts song requests for its closing time music.
D2U: Dartmouth Daily Updates start including a picture of a cute puppy in each blitz.
Rare Essentials stocks clothing that is not just appropriate for the 60+ crowd (This one may be beyond the jurisdiction of the College, but a person can dream).
Collis Ray sells breakfast sandwiches door-to-door.
McLaughlin, the River & the Choates each get their own fitness centers (Let's actually see what we can do about this one).
(05/25/12 2:00am)
"So what are you going to do with that theater major?" He/she probably knows that he/she wasted over $200,000 on an education don't rub it in.
"Do you mind Greenprinting this for me? Oh right, they shut that off for you."
"Why don't you just grab that from Topside? Oh right, they shut that off for you too."
"How many last chance matches did you get?" The answer is almost always zero.
"Don't you wish you could stay here forever?" Too real.
(05/11/12 2:00am)
He must be able to play any Aerosmith love song on the guitar.
He must be good with kids and puppies.
He must only wear his lax pinnie ironically or while playing lacrosse.
He must be able to do something in the kitchen besides toast a Pop Tart.
He must shower at least once a day. We'll even settle for once a week.
(05/04/12 2:00am)
Attempt any form of in-person or digital contact with you from 10 p.m. to 10 a.m.
Family photo shoot on the Green.
Inviting your evil, devil-spawn roommate and family to an extended off-campus dinner.
Don a derby hat and opt to join in the debaucherous activities on Webster Ave.
Request an all-access tour of "that Rolling Stone frat."
(04/27/12 2:00am)
There's a '14 who harnessed the wind and a '15 who won an Olympic medal. Inevitably, there will be a '16 who cured cancer, a '17 who won the Nobel Prize and an '18 that foiled a plot to assassinate the U.S. president. Need I go on?
In 50 years, the SAT will probably be out of 3200, and your 2350 will mean nothing.
Legacies: still a thing in the future, but way bigger thanks to the fact that apparently 1 in 10 Dartmouth alumni marry each other now.
Dartmouth will finally make rugby a varsity sport, and you will lose your spot to 40 burly men.
Andrew Lohse's memoir somehow gets chosen by Oprah's Book Club. Applications to the College skyrocket.
(04/20/12 2:00am)
Sending your research paper to your parents and demanding they correct it for you.
Bragging about how much you drank last night. I bet you really did drink that whole handle of vodka!
Lying about how much you study to seem cool.
Playing video games. Hint, hint, boys!
Aggressive Facebook albums!!!
(04/20/12 2:00am)
"I miss being able to drive to lunch." Lindsay Berger '15
(04/13/12 2:00am)
1."Oh my god, an etiquette test. Manners." Sarah Trahern '122. "A handshake test? Like, a nice firm handshake to make an impression." Laura Hechtman '153. "Martial arts training! Basic self-defense skills should be a must." Chantal Shirley '144. "Cumulative human being survival test. Not sure what that'll entail." Kyle Lawson '13 5. "Sanity test. Because I'm not sure that everyone at this school would pass." Curie Kim '13
(04/06/12 2:00am)
Falling asleep on the middle seat of your flight only to discover that one or both of your neighbors is covered in drool.
Taking up two seats on the Dartmouth Coach. Really?
Refusing to check your 70-pound carry-on.
Losing your passport, social security card, driver's license, boarding pass and cell phone inside your black North Face at any point in the term.
Wearing the same thing as the night before, turning your travels into one epic walk of shame.
(03/30/12 2:00am)
It costs the same amount to live in the Choates as it does to live in McLaughlin.
In the winter, S&S will probably Good Sam you if you so much as slip on ice.
Jim Kim is breaking up with us. Didn't you hear?
The Nugget isn't playing "The Hunger Games." WHAT?
Off-campus landlords: the hidden chafe of sophomore summer.
(03/02/12 4:00am)
1."What if when they rebuilt Dartmouth Hall, they painted it pink?" What a great question! Just kidding. That's an awful question.2. "What if Dartmouth were originally created as a clown school rather than a school to educate Native Americans?" I'm not sure, but I would have loved to take classes in the CS department, by which I mean Clown Studies.3. "What if everyone at Dartmouth rode Segways?" Courtesy of staff writer Sean Schultz. What were you thinking?4. "What if the snow sculpture were traditionally always made of bacon?" Then we obviously would have deconstructed the cupcake weeks ago and campus would have been delighted to smell sizzling pork products for hours.5. "What if Dr. Seuss didn't go to Dartmouth?" That's an easy one: We'd be Middlebury.
(02/24/12 4:00am)
Unsurprisingly, a Dartmouth alum, Robert Smith, Class of 1902, was the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, which now helps more than two million recovering alcoholics in 134 countries.
Amos Tuck, Class of 1835, founded the original GOP, organizing its first meeting at Major Blake's Tavern in Exeter, N.H. on Oct. 12, 1853.
Dartmouth became the first college in the nation to institute selective admissions after a 1920 National Geographic article about the Dartmouth Outing Club caused application numbers to soar from 825 to 2,625, forcing the College to admit students based on factors like interests and academic capacity.
In 1993, Reese Schonfeld '53 and Trygve Myrhen '58, Tu '59 founded the Food Network, which would grow to become one of the most popular networks on television across all demographics.
Dartmouth students began the nationwide trend of wearing shorts for both comfort and fashion in 1930 after (self -call) a series of editorials were published by The Dartmouth pleading for "freedom of the knees."
Information courtesy of the April 1994 issue of Dartmouth Alumni Magazine
(02/17/12 4:00am)
Cornell: "I would found an institution where any person can find instruction in any study." Oh really?
University of Rochester: "Better." It just goes to show you that shorter is not always, well, you know, better.
Evergreen State College: "Let it all hang out." This is actually an accredited institution of higher learning.
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry: "Never tickle a sleeping dragon." You'd think that Rowena, Godric, Salazar and Helga would have come up with something slightly more spellbinding.
Stephenson College: "One day I will rule the world." Noted alumni may include Mussolini, Hitler and Qadaffi.
(02/03/12 4:00am)
Going to the Jewel of India buffet on Sunday with a hangover. It's like pulling your own trigger, but spicier.
Not washing your sheets until you boot on them. Or even worse, not having sheets at all.
Rogue peeing that includes trash cans, closets, the Sphinx (that one's not that bad) and/or your laundry hamper.
Making out with a rando at the Heorot Highlighter Party.
Attending the Heorot Highlighter Party.
(01/20/12 4:00am)
It is illegal to tap your feet, nod your head or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern (frat), restaurant (Molly's) or cafe (One Wheelock?).
Men wearing kilts must use female bathrooms.
It is illegal to get drunk or have a picnic at a cemetery.
Any common piper, fiddler, juggler or magician may be sentenced to jail (exact text of the law it's unclear).
On Sundays, citizens may not go to the bathroom while looking up.
(01/13/12 4:00am)
Because before there was Facebook, there was facetime.
Because what even is the "Cornell School of Industrial and Labor Relations?"
Because we'd rather inhale the clean mountain air than clouds of Philadelphia poison gas.
Because we may not have Emma Watson, but we have (had?) the Sun God.
Because the Ledyard Challenge is fun. The Charles Challenge is a death sentence.