The Drunkest Girls at the Party
Why is J. Lo here? Wait, is that Karen Walker dressed as a slutty nurse? J. Lo really does have an amazing ass, doesn't she?
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Why is J. Lo here? Wait, is that Karen Walker dressed as a slutty nurse? J. Lo really does have an amazing ass, doesn't she?
The key to a successful and effective Green Key is in the planning. Laying down a set of goals may appear bitch-made to some, but why wouldn't you want to maximize your drinking time, ensure you will achieve the level of weirdness you want and possibly be able to have some evidence of what occurred over the course of the weekend?
Too drunk to write...
So Charlie Sheen didn't teach you enough about winning? Pregnant, alone and standing on the roof of the church on West Wheelock with a Twisted Tea, Zoloft and a little bit of water? You fucked up. Bad. You lose.
Life has changed. Things are often weird and vague, and when you're high people make you watch "Red Planet." We are post-Gaga living in a material world, both jobless and trying to join the actual world. So here are some helpful guides to explain what are things and what are not things, because, like, that's a thing.
We struggled to find a serious bone in our bodies after years of hiding everything behind jokes and the massive amount of hair on one of our heads. Digging through it all to actually write a "real talk" article was hard. After blacking out three times in the process, we realized that we knew exactly what we should "real talk" about something we have lived and breathed over the last four years, and something that in all honestly has made us friends.
Maybe we are being irrational or just downright paranoid, but we have always been petrified of the snow sculpture ... more so now after watching that one sculpture collapse in front of us (rest in peace, DOC house ... nawt). You may think that we are just complaining for the sake of complaining ... maybe a little. Don't get us wrong, we like Winter Carnival. What's more fun than being deathly drunk and running around coatless in the "ass-clenching" cold? Ass-clenching being the only description worthy after those three days of sub-zero degree weather. Yeah, we aren't original, if we could insert a screen capture of the weather forecast we would, and then we would fit in with all the other angsty Facebook status updates. Okay sorry, back to why we actually fear the snow sculpture and are thus in a fight ... until it apologizes and promises copious amounts of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" spray and buttermilk biscuits.
Dartmouth loves Dartmouth loves this, Dartmouth loves that, Dartmouth loves bitches and Dartmouth loves frats. Oh, wait. Rhyming is awful.
Resolution #1: Try not to die from the cold. Based on the Farmer's Almanac predictions, and the fact that it seemed pretty cold on the Christmas episode of Glee, we feel like this winter is going to be ass-clenchingly cold. So cold, in fact, that it would be a difficult choice between 20 lashings in a heated basement and a walk across the Green with no gloves and a baby-sized Diet Coke in hand.
We are both drunk girls, but we also both have penises (what up Lady GaGa). We sink fulls and halves and occasionally (by occasionally, we mean never) get golden tree'd. We were going to write about how pong is the great gender equalizer, but then we blacked in, put down our lemonade Four Lokos and Gusanoz especial and remembered, oh wait, that still really isn't true we are the exception because we are post-gender and mid-alcohol poisoning.
We're serious, guys. Sharks are everywhere. EVERY. WHERE. There are fridge sharks and left UGG boot sharks and they're all psycho smangin' (smashing and banging fusion) killers. I guess we should start at the beginning.
The Drunkest Girls Write an Anonymous Note
The Drunkest Girls challenge New Hampshire
Drunkest Girls Go to a Formal
We know, you're shocked. The drunkest girls were asked to talk about a weekend that has nothing to do with anything besides blacking your face out to pregame nothing.
The Drunkest Girls Debate Basement Etiquette
In honor of the theme we decided to try and host our own Ganja Olympics with Justin Bieber, Kanye West and Perez Hilton. However, we all ended up getting too high, too quickly and fell into an EBA's induced coma spending the rest of the night in a cuddle puddle on a rogue basement floor ... not the first time this has happened. So after that failure we came back to what we know to help us decide whether these celebs are bitch-ass or boss-ass: Keystone, pong and Colt 45.
The Drunkest Girls Have a Dream
So, we were told we had to talk about grad students, despite our persistent and undying requests to print a transcript of our dreamed pong game with Gaga. Seeing as how both of us have been trolled on by grad students in the last two months, we thought we would take a stab at it. So, we ask, who are the drunkest girls at grad school? Where do they go? What (who) do they do? We feared our investigative reporting skills were not up to this challenge, so we tried to find a personal connection. Maybe some are just like us: arguably homeless students with a propensity for pong and self-calling/self-deprecating themselves in The Mirror. Or maybe not.
The Drunkest Girls Write a Bitter Diatribe