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Wow, it’s already week 7. The term is going by so fast! ... Or maybe not. Week 7 is a very confusing time of the term. At first you may think, “This is it! Homestretch!!” But in reality, these last few weeks are most likely going to inch by slower than you could ever imagine. So, get ready to lose your sanity and any hope of getting a good night’s rest for the next month. If you have witnessed or are experiencing any of these signs, I’m afraid it’s too late for you. Good luck.
The configuration of Freshman Fall friends is ever-changing. You were so sure that one person you met on Lodj Night on Trips or during O-Week would be one of your best friends, only to look back midway through the quarter and wonder where your dear friend went. Facebook occasionally sends out a notification saying, “Congratulations! You made 314 friends in September,” translated as “WTF* there is no way you could name 50 of them.” Let’s investigate the composition of our new “best friends” list:
It’s no secret that rush is not exactly the most enjoyable one to two weeks of a Dartmouth student’s life. If you’ve spent the first weeks of this term schmoozing brothers and sisters, you’re probably in dire need of a break. And since parties on frat row are probably not bringing back the best of memories right now, here are 12 things that are better than rush:
All true young people have an incredible ability to find out information about each other based on 10 grainy photos from high school and an embarrassing profile pic circa 2010. It’s called Facebook stalking, y’all; look it up. We all know where you’re from, what we’re studying, what we did over the summer, and what groups you’re part of on campus (thx social media). It’s high time that rush questions take it up a level. I’m talking friendship-breaking, alliance-making, life-changing Q and A. Here are some better questions to ask during rush:
You’re a freshman. You’ve only been in Hanover for a month, but, being the cool, independent guy/gal you are, you try to seem like the expert in all things Dartmouth. Just one problem: There’s still a lot you don’t know. Like, a lot.
I walk to
the Life Sciences Center every day (because I am a poor planner) and would like
to think I’m pretty familiar with the trek. But this year I noticed something
different — recently, someone has installed a giant speaker playing soothing,
yet baffling, water noises and mating whale noises on the outside of the
building. So, as a serious Dartbeat investigator, I decided to look into this
latest Dartmouth foolishness.
Ever spend 45 minutes waiting for the Hop Grill? Has the KAF line already made you consistently late to your chemistry class? Sick of spending half your day waiting for food but not that interested in starving yourself? With these seven super convenient, definitely legal and absolutely socially acceptable life hacks, you’ll never have to wait in a DDS line again!
Have you ever wondered what your First-Year Trip would have been like (or what it will be like) if you were assigned a trip based on your zodiac sign? Maybe you hoped to experience something more suited to your personality. Or maybe being forced out of your comfort zone is what made (or will make) your trip so unforgettable. Well, regardless of how your trip went, here’s what your horoscope says about which trip you should have done:
Girls’ rush is a process filled with … you see, that’s the problem — no one really knows. As ’20s, we begin to see guys flirting with brothers once the frat ban lifts, but for girls, rush is equal parts confusing, intimidating and a whole lot of mysterious. So when pre-rush events started popping up over spring term, one should not be shocked that extreme panic pursued. We went from being totally prepared to girl flirt fall term to having no idea what to do, how to act or most importantly, what to wear. So if you’ve ever wondered about the thought process that girls go through before a pre-rush event, here it is.
We all know the motto for spring term’s big weekend: “Green Key is a marathon, not a sprint.” If you’re reading this, that means you made it past the finish line, and whether or not you crawled that last leg or not, you are a CHAMPION. And no matter what your weekend was like, we're sure it was filled with loving alums, sunshine, darties and a whole lot of MDF approved alcohol. And even more potent than the surges of regret you are still reeling from in your Annex B cubicle are the drunk texts hanging over your head like a raincloud of shame. And just like we do every year, Dartbeat has compiled the most hilarious and egregious Green Key texts you'll never live down:
’17: "What do you think is more likely, me getting with an ’11 or a ’21?"
Ah, yes. Here we are. We have entered the szn of pastel shorts and floral rompers. The szn of darties and rallying after waking up confused and slightly tipsy at 11:00 p.m. The szn of “if I pregame my 12, will I be sober enough for my meeting with my prof at 2:30?” Yup, you guessed it. We have entered Green Key szn. Whether you are ready or not, now is time to get shit done so you can focus on alcohol consumption and taking the perfect instagram picture this weekend. In preparation for the latter, I’ve compiled a list of the most common Green Key instas for some inspiration. In preparation for the former, well, I hope you’ve started carbo-loading.
“If you split a 5 Hour Energy, do you get two and a half hours of full energy
or five hours of half energy?”
Mother's Day. According to Wikipedia, it's "a celebration honoring the mother of the family, as well as motherhood, maternal bonds, and the influence of mothers in society." For those of us who don't have moms in Hanover to celebrate, think again. The maternal energy here is palpable, and there's never been a better time to acknowledge the alternative types moms of Dartmouth:
Ahhhh, college. Give a rouse for a liberal arts education and wholesome experiences that have the power to shape you as a person! However, have you ever wondered just how much these experiences have changed how you see the world? Fear not, for I can assure you that Dartmouth experiences have definitely changed you for the better.
If you’re a Dartmouth student, you’ve likely seen Juuls, the e-cigarettes that offer an alternative to smoking. Now, I don’t have a strong opinion on vaping as a whole, but I applaud anything that encourages people to quit using tobacco products. That said, cigarettes are pretty ingrained in our culture — just look at the number of iconic movie characters known for smoking. So, what with our current culture of alternative facts (and alternative social spaces), I decided to reimagine classic movie and television scenes. What if your favorite characters had Juuls?
As the prospies swarmed our campus last month, I wondered if they actually were getting anything meaningful from these tours that continued to block my path through Baker-Berry Library. While hustling out of the grim Novack Café scene one day, I #overheard "This is Novack, the inspirational and collaborative hub on campus," and I almost spit out my beyond bland coffee and choked on my over-priced fruit snacks. That statement was almost as accurate as Dick’s House telling a friend she was pregnant because she came in looking for cough drops. So, for all those prospies looking for a ~real~ tour of Dartmouth, here you go:
It’s Friday night, and you find yourself on Webster Ave. after a treacherous week filled with overdue papers and late night “studying” on FFB. You enter the basement of Sigma Apple Pie with the hopes of releasing all your pent up angst with a paddle, ball and a few cups of Keystone Light™. Wading through a sea of crushed cups and empty beer cans, you situate yourself next to a frat bro at a table.
Earlier this week, I was texting my editors about trying to be better about turning in my articles on time. This is how it went: