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How to Avoid the Tablers in Novack: A Guide

(04/29/16 1:08pm)

It’s a Tuesday night and you’re strolling to Novack, thinking only about which flavor of Odwalla you should buy. As you descend the stairs from first floor Berry you see them: students standing next to tables, carrying clipboards and handing out bumper stickers. They ask you to sign their petition. Buy their bake-sale food. Join their club.The students pull you in with their aggressively cheerful smiles and pointed eye contact. Before you know it, you’ve signed up for three random listservs and bought a baker’s dozen of homemade cupcakes. You wake up the next morning feeling the Bern and wondering what happened to all of your DA$H.


Conspiracy Theories: What Are They Actually Doing in the Construction Sites on Campus?

(04/29/16 12:27pm)

I love conspiracy theories. Humans landing on the moon: fake. JFK might still be alive. Where’s Obama’s birth certificate? The Bermuda Triangle: very real. And of course the government is using vaccines to implant tiny tracking devices into our bodies so that they can keep tabs on us, take control of our brains and then orchestrate the revolution that will bring about the end of time.Obviously, I’m very well-informed about these matters, so it’s quite fortunate for me, Dartmouth’s resident nutter, that there’s no shortage of suspicious activity on this campus. As springconstruction season rolls around, The College remains suspiciously tight-lipped about what’s being built around campus. Grad student housing? The new Hood Museum? I’m not buying it.


Dear Lone Pining

(04/27/16 2:37pm)

Life at Dartmouth can be hard, what with the harsh winters, D-Plan and limited social scene working against you. “Dear Lone Pining,” Dartbeat’s premier student advice column, is here to help! Anonymously submit your questions here and our lifestyle expert, Lone Pining, will help tackle your problems. Here’s what Lone Pining had to say this week:




Spring Term in Graphs

(04/26/16 1:52pm)

It was a long time coming, but spring has finally sprung. This past week, there was an exponential increase in the number of people hanging out on the Green. And that got me thinking: How can I capture spring term at Dartmouth in graphs? I may not have known how to graph Canada’s production possibility frontier on my last Econ midterm, but I think I figured out how to map these more relevant trends (sorry, Canada):


Missed Connections: Dartmouth Edition

(04/26/16 9:25am)

Dartmouth is a small school. Odds are, if you don’t know someone personally, you’ve at least seen them around campus. Maybe there’s a guy you’ve had two classes with but never talked to, or a girl who is always at KAF at the same time. If you ever finally met each other, what would you say? Here are some hypothetical messages, inspired by the Missed Connections forum on Craigslist, that you might write to one of those ever-present yet always elusive classmates:



Dartmouth Yankee Candles

(04/22/16 3:39pm)

It’s Week 4, you’re sitting in bed crying studying for your econ midterm tomorrow and all you want is something to mask the smell of your room, which hasn’t been cleaned in weeks. And what could be better than one of Dartbeat’s very own, totally not cultish, Dartmouth-inspired Yankee Candles? There’s nothing like the crackling of the wick and a strong whiff of Keystone to get you through all the problem sets you’ve put off until the last possible second!


Shit Freshmen Say at Frat Pre-Rush Events

(04/22/16 3:23pm)

Full disclosure, I have no idea what goes on at frat pre-rush events. They seem a lot different from sorority pre-rush events where there are cookies, lemonade and girls talking about rainbows and unicorns and butterflies (obviously). But you don’t actually have to be at a frat pre-rush event to know what goes on there: You can hear the internal monologues of freshmen boys from blocks away, as they whisper “Please like me, please like me, please like me” to themselves and bend over backwards to impress upperclassmen (who, by the way, would rather be doing homework than working a rush event).


6 Ways to Stand Out at Sorority Pre-Rush Events

(04/22/16 9:14am)

You’re wearing your nametag, your springiest sundress and your most poised fake smile. You’re thinking to yourself, I’ve got this, I’m going to make my mark. But as you bounce from sister to sister, you are suddenly struck with the realization that you aren’t exactly distinguishing yourself as a particularly memorable Sperry-wearing, econ-major, cool potential new member. So before you converse with the sisters, take a look at our suggestions on how to ensure they actually remember your name.


A Guide to Avoiding Children on the Green

(04/21/16 11:37am)

I have a love/hate relationship with children. On one hand, my “Muppet”-y personality would make a lot more sense if I had a child. On the other hand, my first thought when I see a carefree, knee-high human is that they seem so puntable. Like many Dartmouth students, I am forced to confront this inner conflict daily as I hear the delighted screams ofthese cute, stupid baby people running amuck on the Green. So I've compiled some tips on how to avoid these stubby gremlins whomagnetically attract themselves to your knees:



Dear Lone Pining

(04/19/16 1:52pm)

Life at Dartmouth can be hard, what with the harsh winters, D-Plan and limited social scene working against you. “Dear Lone Pining,” Dartbeat’s premier student advice column, is here to help! Anonymously submit your questions here and our lifestyle expert, Lone Pining, will help tackle your problems. Here’s what Lone Pining had to say this week:








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