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(05/28/10 2:00am)
I'm about to give my last few tours of this campus which means that there are precious few opportunities for someone to fulfill my dream and pull off the next Drinking-Time-level prank with my tour group as the unsuspecting audience (June 2nd, 11:15 a.m. in front of McNutt Hall, GIVE ME MY 15 MINUTES OF YOUTUBE FAME, PEOPLE.)
(05/21/10 2:00am)
So today I experienced a perfect succession of blitzes in my inbox. The first was from my mother, informing me that she wanted to send some of my columns TO MY GRANDMA and inquiring if this week's installment would be "appropriate" to include in the collection. The second was from the lovely and talented Mirror editor, informing me that the theme for this week is "formals."
(05/14/10 2:00am)
In my four years of terrifying prospective students while giving tours, I've developed a large library of "cute Dartmouth anecdotes," most of which have absolutely no basis in reality. (Did you know that my favorite time to study is early morning in Fairchild Tower because you can see the sun coming up through the glass? Apparently, I regularly wake up before noon. Yup.)
(05/07/10 2:00am)
So I was just on Wikipedia clicking through random articles and accidentally spending two hours reading about bizarre UFO conspiracy theories doing research for this column, because when I first sat down to write this I discovered that apparently I'm a mildly disgruntled person who didn't have anything to say about happiness. Fortunately Wikipedia came through for me again (I am probably about to find out if my professors read The Mirror) and told me all about the Paradox of Choice. Apparently having more choices does not make you happier, your brain just becomes terribly confused and you start to panic. I am so glad that this is a recognized phenomenon because I thought this only happened to me.
(04/30/10 2:00am)
Okay, so I'm about to present a list of what I consider to be The Rudest Behavior On Campus, but I'm also kind of hesitating because I feel like by doing that, I'm implicitly self-calling myself as some kind of bastion of etiquette and politeness.
(04/23/10 2:00am)
So I've been sitting here on the first floor of Sigma Delt for about three hours playing Bejeweled, Blitz, on Facebook staring desperately at a depressingly blank Word document. I'm trying to write a hilariously funny column that will rocket me to campus icon status and get me mad facetime on B@B with lots of agrees, but this pinnacle of my 15 minutes all depends on me having a fit of caffeine-fueled inspiration and coming up with an insight about smartphones that is so funny and true at the same time that you might even think I write for The Dunyun.
(04/16/10 2:00am)
I would like to start off by stating that it is blatantly unfair that devotees of one certain substance get an entire official holiday devoted to celebrating their major form of recreation. I will compensate by having my own personal Caffeine Day for all of next week. No, I was not planning to do that anyway.
(04/09/10 2:00am)
So I was going to write a column called COFFEE IS THE BEST IDEA EVER except then I had a sneaking suspicion that I may have subtly alluded to that concept before. Therefore, instead of extolling the (infinite) virtues of my favorite chemical, today we are going to discuss something almost equally as brilliant: never wearing pants! Pants are, frankly, boring. It's not so much that there's anything specifically wrong with pants as much as that it's just infinitely better and more fun not to eschew them. Case in point: Lady Gaga does not wear pants.
(04/08/10 2:00am)
Staff members in the College's administrative departments will switch to Microsoft Online Services for e-mail, calendar and collaboration services beginning in the Fall, Ellen Waite-Franzen, vice president of information technology and the College's chief information officer, announced in a Dartmouth Daily Update bulletin on Wednesday. The transition is part of the College's long-term effort to replace the BlitzMail e-mail client and Oracle calendar program with a set of hosted online services.
(04/02/10 2:00am)
So ideally I would open with a funny anecdote that showcases my notably awkward dancing ability, except every story I can think of is so tremendously painful that it blows right past "humorously self-deprecating" and instead lands us in "so mortifying that it would actually make the reader uncomfortable on my behalf and would also require that I spend the rest of my senior Spring hiding under my bed." Consequentially I will just leave you with some key phrases, which are "martial arts-inspired ballet," "ill-conceived costume at fifth grade hula party" and "in front of guy I liked at the time."
(03/11/10 1:00am)
Doris "Granny D" Haddock, a noted political activist and one-time candidate for a New Hampshire senate seat, died on March 9 in her home due to complications of chronic respiratory illness, according to family friend Maude Salinger. Haddock was 100 years old.
(03/05/10 4:00am)
When I found out that The Mirror's theme for the week was graduate school, I was not entirely able to restrain myself from performing my natural response to any word, phrase, or conversation that might involve the idea of graduation. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to The Mirror's editor for interrupting last Sunday's meeting with a rousing chorus of LA LA LA I CAN'T HEEEEAAAAR YOU.
(02/26/10 4:00am)
Okay so it's 4:22 in the morning which means that I'm just getting started here people IT IS FARLEY TIME now and oh God apparently I'm supposed to tell you all about sleep, but honestly that is not really something I do if I can help it. ERGO we are going to instead have a rather lovely discussion regarding NOT SLEEPING. That is so much more interesting and it also gives me an excuse to punch up my cracked-out prose with EGREGIOUS USE OF CAPS LOCK. Booyah.
(02/26/10 4:00am)
Although Hanover Police records show that the number of Dartmouth students arrested for alcohol-related offenses has increased since 2007, the data does not include information on whether or not consumption, as opposed to mere possession, has increased.
(02/19/10 4:00am)
Over the summer, I attempted to teach my friends from suburbia to play pong, which eventually lead to an errant throw save attempt into someone's head, massive frustration by all parties and non-Keystone beer spilled all over the carpet in my parents' basement. (FACT: if you accidentally pour an entire 2-litre bottle of diet Coke on a carpet, your parents will probably accept your profuse apologies and all beer stains can be written off as part of said accident. How I know that is not important at this time.)
(02/12/10 4:00am)
My parents usually visit campus over President's Day Weekend, which I have perennially marked on my calendar as the Bountiful Weekend of Canoe Club And Zin's Meals (sorry DDS, it's not me, it's you). Unfortunately due to the divine forces that conspire to make my life awkward, this year that weekend coincides with this quarter's official "Five Day Period of Debauchery." SCHEDULING CONFLICT.
(02/05/10 4:00am)
In the midst of the pressing campus dialogue over dolphinz and really freaking brutal pledge terms (the yacht was last seen in Occum Pond, FYI) a more serious issue has egregiously been overlooked THEY ARE TAKING AWAY BLITZ. Yes, you read that correctly. No, you haven't heard about it the administration cleverly sent out a blitz about it, which you, of course, deleted. Crafty.
(01/29/10 4:00am)
Dartmouth clearly has the most emo motto of all the schools in the Ivy League (add some mournful melodies and black nail polish to "A Voice Crying Out In The Wilderness" and you've got a half-decent Bright Eyes song), which is probably because Eleazar Wheelock was Hanover's first official case of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Weirdly enough, spending an extended amount of time in a desolate Starbucks-less wasteland while constantly enduring seven metric tons of snow raining down on your head can have a wee bit of a negative effect on one's psyche. If you ignore the travel advice of my esteemed colleagues and refuse to get the hell out of Hanover, you'll need to develop some serious coping mechanisms to survive. Sadly, based on personal experience, extensive and dispassionate analysis of my fellow classmates, the standard reaction is to revert to primitive status, turn your room into a protective cave and hide. Given our inherently skewed perception of normal behavior on this campus (I hear that in the real world it's actually NOT okay to black out four nights a week), I thought it might be helpful to explicitly point out some of these more worrisome behaviors.
(01/22/10 4:00am)
My major experience with managing cash flow consists of trying to remember which of the thirty Starbucks cards floating around in the bottom of my purse actually has a positive balance, so I'm obviously the first person who you should ask for advice on a complicated financial situation. For some mysterious reason, the College administration has declined to recognize my latent abilities in these matters. I received a very rude follow-up blitz concerning my application to the Student Budget Advisory Committee apparently trading in all of the library furniture for giant playground equipment doesn't actually save us any money and they are accepting Serious Applications only. Fortunately, I have a somewhat captive audience at my disposal (face it, you've already read the Overheards and ignored the News section) so this is my chance to let loose some budgetary genius. Stand back.
(01/15/10 4:00am)
My elementary school was fiercely competitive about grades, a phenomenon caused primarily by my fourth grade teacher and the Seriously Freaking Sweet supply of scratch-and-sniff stickers that she awarded for perfect scores on spelling tests. If nine-year-old you scores a little watermelon-scented piece of goodness, you don't care how potentially rude it is to brag because you're the baddest sticker-collecting Mafioso to ever hit Ox Ridge Elementary School. (Once, I got a sticker that smelled like DILL PICKLES. True fact.)