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As the last winter term of our illustrious Dartmouth careers draws to a close, so, too, has our already dwindling self-respect. Some people save their best for last. We came in with a bang and are going out with a whimper, unread and unloved by the community that once adored us and hung on our every word.
And this is always how it happens. It feels as if we laid our heads down to rest for just a single moment, and now we’re waking up eight weeks later. Is it really the eighth week of the term? Is today really the final Coffeehouse Concert of the term? Is “Legally Drew” finally almost upon us?
Things are worse than ever. Our final Winter Carnival is in the books and all the traditions we once held dear, everything that we once lovingly cradled to our bosom, has been robbed from us by the idiotic and corrupt College administration. The polar bear plunge. Canceled because “Occom Pond was unsafe.” The snow sculpture. Abandoned because “there was no snow on the Green.” (Although we do appreciate the efforts of Thomas “Riddle” Rover ’16 and his rogue snow sculpture.) Hoverboards. Banned from campus merely because their “lithium ion batteries were prone to spontaneous combustion.” Now, finally, College President Phil Hanlon and his hunchbacked lackeys have gone too far.
Even the best fall down sometimes. The Carolina Panthers fell victim to the fix we correctly anticipated. Jeb got whooped by Kasich, 2016’s first benefactor of the “Gates Lucas bump.” Hillary fell to Bernie “the Butthead” Sanders by a margin of more than 20 points in the Granite State.
The boys at Riding the Pine have already started their countdown to 2017. The parties are over. The confetti has been swept up off the street. A third Thai restaurant has opened in Hanover, giving the home of the College on the Hill the highest Thai restaurant to person ratio outside of Bangkok. You can lie on your back, fall asleep and snore so loudly you shake the walls in “Meditation and Relaxation” once a year and get a free pass. Now that Henry’s fallen asleep a second time in as many classes, he’ll have to start searching for more creative ways to get his P.E. credit.
Four weeks into our penultimate term, there should be nothing that this campus has to offer us anymore. We’re seniors. It’s winter. We’ve done all there is to do and seen all there is to see. We’ve hiked the Fifty three times and crossed the Dartmouth X once. (Note to freshmen males: the grass is not always greener on the other side.) KDE is suspended now, and our final chance to get a coveted Derby invite has gone up in flames.
We were running down the road, trying to loosen our loads and we had just one thing on our mind.
One week into Riding the Pine’s return, the reaction from our fan base has been muted to say the least. Our initial plan to recapture the hearts of campus was simply to stick with our sophomore summer shtick: mildly offensive jokes mixed with nonsensical sports analysis and moments of stunning vulnerability. But the game has changed. Our readers are getting older. We’re getting older, too.
RTP is back. To our fans, we love you. For those of you who don’t know us, buckle up. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.
After an impressive spring season, the Dartmouth women’s frisbee team — also known as Princess Layout — advanced to the quarterfinals of Nationals this past weekend before falling to the top-seeded University of Oregon. The team, Princess Layout, went 4-2 overall at Nationals with its only two losses coming to Oregon and Stanford University. Oregon and Stanford met in the finals with Oregon taking home the national title.
In the women’s tennis team’s final game of the regular season, the No. 31 Big Green (18-5, 5-2 Ivy) beat Harvard University (7-12, 0-7 Ivy), who occupies last place in the Ivy League 5-2, at the Murr Tennis Center in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Dartmouth ended the year in second place among the Ivies, behind only Princeton University (12-8, 6-1 Ivy). With the win, the women will likely secure a spot in the NCAA Women’s Tennis National Championships, which begins May 14.
The greatest trick Hank and Fish ever pulled was convincing the world they no longer existed.
RIP RTP. Sophomore summer is over, and, to the delight of our readers, so is our brief stint on the back page of The Dartmouth. What began as a desperate and pitiful attempt by editor-in-chief Lindsay Ellis ’15 to fill the sports section with something “a little more sophomore summer” ended in something not so chill: a weekly opportunity for your boys Hank and Fish to inundate the public with the delusional byproducts of minds warped by insomnia, chewing tobacco and “ship.” Example 1A: the previous sentence. Example 1B: the quote at the end of this column.
Fieldstock. Was. Sick. It may have started slow when Moose didn’t even show up to the Phi Delt puppy party, but after spending an hour lost in the sweet, alternative and controversial tunes of campus band Ladies Night (“This isn’t parents weekend anymore”), the party finally began. Campus was absolutely electric due to the long-awaited return of Edward Wagner ’16 and Theta Delta Chi fraternity, Hank and Fish were far from immune to this excitement. We responded the only way we knew how: by going to Molly’s at 5 p.m. and taking a table selfie with our boys in order to celebrate Hank’s chess masters win over Daniel “King of Kings” Reitsch ’16.
Six Dartmouth hockey players attended NHL development camps over the month of July as undrafted invitees, looking to hone their skills in the hopes of playing hockey at the highest level.
Masters is over. We lost our voices and our innocence somewhere in the crowded basement. Our best is now behind us. We have been blacklisted by EBAs for placing too many prank calls. Despite our ideas for 14X photo album titles that are undoubtedly better than “14Xtravaganza,” we have both been too scared to upload a single picture to Facebook this term. Ever since “the man” shut down Panarchy, our sophomore summers have been ruined. The only thing we have going for us is that Hank is off in the fall and Fish is off in the winter, God’s gentle way of lifting the burden of Riding the Pine from our tired shoulders and our weary brains.
Bruce Wood has not missed a Dartmouth football practice in nine years. The founder of the Big Green Alert blog, Wood has covered Dartmouth’s gridiron gang online for nearly the last decade. And as Ivy League media day approaches, Wood remains in the bleachers, preparing his next post.
For your boys Hank and Fish, turns out all that glitters is gold. In the past, we certainly claimed to be the only thing that mattered about The Dartmouth’s sports section (R.I.P. Dong Zhao ’13). Now, however, we are literally the entirety of The Dartmouth’s least prestigious page. You can’t escape us.
University of California at Berkeley assistant men’s crew coach Wyatt Allen will succeed Topher Bordeau as the next men’s heavyweight coach, Friends of Dartmouth Rowing announced Monday. The softball, women’s crew and men’s lacrosse teams will continue to seek new coaches in a transitional summer for the Big Green.
The wheels have officially come off. We were horribly wrong about Tiger, who came in 69th place, not first like we had confidently predicted. He ended up with his worst-ever 72-hole finish at a major. In a desperate ploy to keep ourselves from having to write our column, we ate late night at Novack and then walked directly to Collis to eat more late night. All of a sudden it was 1:30 a.m., and we, the lovable losers of The Dartmouth, sat sad, scared and alone, silenced by the gravity of our plight, with no one to lean on besides each other. To each, the other his world entire. It took every ounce of our energy to keep our eyes more than half open. Only one thing on God’s green Earth keeps us going: a burning desire to please our interim sports editor Joe Kind ’16, who blogs under the handle “Foco Joe” at our old stomping grounds, Dartbeat.