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Well, I’m finally a Dartmouth senior, and my younger brother is finally a freshman (at Princeton though, ew). Talking to him made me realize just how much a person can change during their first three years of college. Leading up to his first day, he claimed that he would never drink coffee. I naively said the same when I entered my freshman year—but then I discovered KAF. Here’s my take on just how different freshmen and seniors really are.
Do you enjoy reading and writing humor? Are you tuned in to campus events? Do you have a talent for finding the perfect GIF for any situation? If so, Dartbeat is the place for you!
’19: "I'm not crazy. I love myself."
When Dartmouth decided to renovate Baker Tower, I doubt anyone considered the enormous problem it would cause: depriving us of a backdrop for those classic “I’m back!” or “Look, it’s autumn!” profile pictures. Without a photo of me at the one place that’s recognizably-Dartmouth, how am I supposed to subliminally let everyone back home know that I haven’t flunked out yet? Could there possibly be an alternative to the coveted shot in front of Baker Tower? Probably not. But, unless you’re up for posing in front of the library as it stands now and captioning the photo, “Yup, this actually is Dartmouth,” you’re going to have to look elsewhere.
Peak foliage: RIP every colorblind person on campus
’19: “What should I set as my age limit on Tinder? Mine’s currently at 34.”
It’s 1 a.m. on a Friday night and the age-old question arises once more: Should you go to Late Night? Your inviting friends tell you that “calories don’t count on the weekend,” but your all-too-real Freshman Fifteen experience would suggest otherwise. Some say that college is where you start making the hard decisions in life. How are you expected to choose between sleep and chicken nuggets, or TDX and mozz sticks? Luckily, Dartbeat has a simple flowchart that will ALWAYS get you out of this dilemma.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what music they listen to, but there is one genre of music that will always and forever be universal: the throwback pop song. If you were born after the year 2000, you probably have no idea what I’m talking about, or your version of childhood jams includes the Young Thug track that was released less than 10 minutes ago. But for the few and the proud, a throwback isn’t just a song, it’s a lifestyle.
Alright, this is it: my first class at Dartmouth College. Man, I am really beginning to think I didn’t need to get here early. Oh, there’s another guy in the corner. I’ll wave.
Heat. You know it’s hot when the sun is out but the Collis patio is deserted.
’18 #1 in Astro: “You look like you’re about to boot.”
’18 #2: “Yeah but I took a Sudafed.”
As a ’17 on for this summer term, I’m affectionately referred to as my sorority’s resident SWUG (senior washed up girl). When (and if) I arrive at tails, people look at me with a mixture of excitement and pity. They pat me on the back and say they’re happy to see me, but then turn to continue socializing with their new friends. Meanwhile, I make a beeline for the drinks table, around which I continue to hover for most of the night.
Masters. The big weekend has finally arrived…
’18: “They have adult milkshakes and nice Jewish boys. My two favorite things!!!”
Like the millennials we are, we often turn to Google instead of people in times of need. Our Google search history can always be a little disconcerting, but it’s particularly distinctive over sophomore summer – when else will we be looking up the toxicity of copper mines or wondering how to make homemade mac and cheese bites? Nonetheless, there’s no shame in asking Google silly questions – that’s what it’s there for. Here are ten potential topics you’ve Googled this summer:
Grab your pitchforks and come on down to our warm and exotic location, situated at the mouth of the River Styx, and work for the head honcho himself—Satan! At this competitive internship, you will work with millions of clients buying and selling souls. What could be more valuable? Special guests will eventually include such celebrities as Jordan Belfort and Bernie Madoff. Note: Creativity is a must. Customer service skills not necessary.
Semi season is upon us, which means it’s time to break out the flair. Or at the very least, it means searching through your giant flair box, which is of course full of everything except what you actually need (hence why you're desperately writing out toGroupMe asking friends for help). But if you want to save yourself a trip to Party City, here are a few ideas for semi themes that are fun, easy and super doable:
’18: “Getting the money from suing someone would be nice, but there would just be too much paperwork for it to really be worth it.”
Crossing the X: Last night you were a hero, today you are a zero. Swugdom is only a state of mind.
1.1. David Newlove, the head of Dartmouth Dining Services, came to me in a dream and said unto me, “Let there be few dining options for 16X.” And it was so.