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(02/20/17 5:30pm)
College President Phil Hanlon lives a
tough life. With his roles as a college administrator, prominent mathematician
and side gig as an Alpha Delta legend in the flesh, our president has a lot on
his plate. With President’s Day upon us, it’s time, we, as students, took some
time out of our own lives to honor our dear leader. We cannot, of course, reach
the levels of academic rigor that he espouses, nor can we achieve temperance of
the sort he would like, but in his shadow we can grow to become the study
beasts of PH77’s dreams.
(02/14/17 6:16am)
At Hogwarts, as at any school of magic or liberal arts college, people divide each other. Now, this may be good or ill — and if you’re in the latter camp, I suggest you get on your hippogriff and begin the proletarian revolution posthaste — but social organization remains a basic human practice.
(02/07/17 3:46pm)
It can be hard being a freshman. Just look at them: so innocent, so soft, so silly. And Dartmouth can be a big, confusing place. The ’20s seem to live in a constant state of “the look on Will Ferrell’s face when Buddy the Elf first gets to New York City in the classic Christmas film ‘Elf.’”
(01/30/17 1:40am)
There is no question that we live in a modern world of lies and deception. Thus, I do not see it as a coincidence that my editors — those powers that be, per se, spewing “alternative facts” upon the good people — have asked me to write an article about “Dartmouth conspiracy theories.” Nay, I say. I will be strong. I shall not fall victim to their whims. And in protest, I will write instead a list of the greatest truths at Dartmouth, indisputable by those who are not blinded by the corruption that plagues this very campus.
(01/12/17 6:39pm)
Pump your brakes, ladies and gents,
‘cause Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief model is way out of date.
No, I don’t mean for little things like “deaths in the family” or “fascist
takeovers of society.” This new step-by-step guide is for real issues. Issues that hurt us all. You know of what I speak — it
hangs like a pall of darkness above the campus. It hurts all, consumes all,
destroys all. Of course, I am referring to the decision of Dartmouth Dining
Services to do away with the free and independent napkin dispensers at each
table in its establishments and replace them with centralized, collectivized
napkin dispensers.
(07/18/16 1:43pm)
1.1. David Newlove, the head of Dartmouth Dining Services, came to me in a dream and said unto me, “Let there be few dining options for 16X.” And it was so.
(06/30/16 5:43pm)
So you’re taking two classes this term. That’s okay: $23,158 doesn’t need to buy you three classes, does it? It’s not like you’re wasting $7,719 of your (well, your parents') money! Those two huge layups are just as reasonable an expense as any other course could ever be. Plus, it’s sophomore summer and you’ve got better things to do with all that extra time. You’ve got an extra 195 to 220 minutes per week, and you’ve got to spend them on some absolutely fantastic activities, things that really improve your education. You wouldn’t want to waste a term at Dartmouth, after all.
(06/24/16 11:56am)
Realizing suddenly that the American electoral system was broken beyond repair, representatives of many branches of government, all fifty states and both major parties elected to utilize a different system for electing the 45th president of the United States of America. While it pained Dartbeat to learn early yesterday morning that the traditional Masters tournament would be cancelled this summer, our sadness was quickly assuaged when we learned why: the presidential candidates already held their own championship on Dartmouth’s campus this summer term.
(05/05/16 2:19pm)
Economics 43.601: Market Realities of the French Prison System in the Mid-Nineteenth Century (x-list: Comparative Literature 97)
There’s a lot of tension in prison economics today, but nothing can ever come close to the feud between Jean Valjean and Javert. This course will explore in-depth the underlying market functions and cost breakdowns of the French prison system circa 1830-1860, all through the lens of literary works like “Les Misérables” and “The Count of Monte Cristo” (for some reason, 19th-century French authors were really into putting dudes who didn’t deserve it in prison).
English 39.4: Snape Studies
“Turn to page 394… now,” your professor intones in his best Alan Rickman impression as the class lets out a whimper of terror. Dartmouth’s first course based solely on the work of J.K. Rowling, this class will cover all kinds of key concepts, such as “Snape kills Dumbledore,” “why Harry Potter is an ungrateful little twerp” and, of course, “how Snape did nothing wrong, saved everyone and was magically forgiven for being an ass cravat for six straight years.”
Chemistry 39.07: Ethers, Elixirs and Alcohol
Taught by College President Phil Hanlon himself, this amazing course will cover all the reasoning behind the hard alcohol ban, from Russian distilling plants to moonshine in a Kentucky forest. Filled with fun, field trips, and a mustache to rival Chester A. Arthur, this course is not to be missed.
Geography 33: The Ledyard Challenge (x-list: Physical Education: Advanced River Swimming)
Finally, a definitive course on how to complete the Ledyard Challenge! Your final? Well, that’s obvious: the challenge itself. Taught with hands-on experimentation, swim lessons, basic lifeguard training and frequent trips to the Connecticut River, Geography 33 is one of the best courses in Dartmouth’s under-appreciated, “other” social science.
Art History 13: The Unluckiest of Fashions: Khakis, Sperrys and the Dartmouth Bro Aesthetic
Finally, so overwhelmed by the ugly clothing they see on a day-to-day basis, the denizens of the art history department have decided to chronicle all the evils of Dartmouth men through a close historical examination of their fashion trends, from President Kennedy to the douchebags you see at the Hop.
Writing 19: IDK, YOLO, FML: A Guide to Texting Abbreviations
Are you always wondering what your friends are texting you? Don’t know what they mean by “BRB” or “ROFL”? Well, this is the class for you. We’re assuming Jen Sargent will teach it, because honestly, it just seems like the sort of thing the Sarge would do.
Linguistics 87.02: History of Quenya, Sindarin and the Noldor Languages
An advanced linguistic study of Tolkien’s elvish languages from his famed “Lord of the Rings” trilogy and “The Silmarillion,” this course is not for the faint of heart. Requiring extensive prerequisites in the linguistics department, this is one of the hardest courses ever offered during summer term. Take it at your peril.
Astronomy 8: Carl Sagan, Extraterrestrials and Our First Contact
Through the work of the great astrobiologist Carl Sagan, this course will examine the potential for extraterrestrial contact, life forms and what might happen if humans come in contact with aliens. Half of it is just watching the short film “Wanderers” (2014) by Erik Wernquist and, honestly, your intrepid reporter is totally fine with that.
History 79.2: Winning Arguments by Comparing People to Hitler: A Historical Perspective (x-list: Women and Gender Studies 88)
One of the most timely classes offered at the College in recent years, this course will analyze internet arguments, the tendency of people on all sides of the political spectrum to compare their opponents to Adolf Hitler and the actual propaganda techniques of Nazi Germany’s Reich Ministry for Propaganda and Enlightenment.
College Course 10.04: Game of Thrones (x-list: Film and Media Studies 97.1)
You literally just watch “Game of Thrones.” That’s it. They might talk a bit about how David Benioff went to Dartmouth, but honestly, I doubt it.
(04/11/16 12:11pm)
(03/31/16 5:14pm)
Donald Trump has come to Dartmouth. He has come, and he will #MakeDartmouthGreatAgain. Dartbeat gained exclusive access to his Dartmouth-specific Twitter account, and you bet your ass we took screenshots:
(03/04/16 11:00am)
Week nine in New York was shaped largely by “Hamilton” (2015) – the Broadway musical that you’ve heard of by now if you haven’t been living under a rock that has also crushed you into a paste – and was a major highlight of my off-term thus far. “Hamilton” was every bit as good (if not soundly better) than its reputation suggested. Almost a week after my trip to the Richard Rodgers Theatre, I can still hear bits of the soundtrack echoing around my head, the music living on by its own initiative, without singer or orchestra.
(02/19/16 2:00pm)
Wandering into the Sinclairian jungle that is New York after a life in the rural reality of Yankee New England — a place where each house is still known by the names of families that moved away decades ago — can only be called a mammoth experience. This time in the city reminded me of a stanza in John Milton's “Paradise Lost” (1667):
(02/15/16 11:45am)
Submarines, in reality, aren’t very magical at all. They’re dark, depressing places. There’s a reason one of the most highly paid jobs in the Navy is submariner: no one really wants to do it. Still, we romanticize submarines. Run Silent, Run Deep (1958) ; The Hunt for Red October (1990); Das Boot; “Yellow Submarine;” Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea(1870). We even see the submarine’s most violent military applications as an expression of a mysterious world beneath us, an inaccessible deep far removed from anything of mortal conception. Each new giant squid caught on a few frames of film is some great revolution of the extraordinarily untamed depths.
(02/05/16 12:07pm)
Okay, so obviously there isn’t actually a new pope. That was a stupid joke combining my name with “hope.” This article has nothing to do with the Catholic Church, its leadership or any allegories written by Oxford dons lambasting its values and practices (Although did you hear they’re making a miniseries of the “His Dark Materials” trilogy? Isn’t that wildly exciting? No? Just me? Okay). So here’s what this post is actually about: Living in New York City—the City That Never Apples, The Big Sleep—has given me a different perspective on life at Dartmouth. Now that I am “beyond the bubble,” things up at school just don’t seem quite as, well, important.
(01/29/16 2:55pm)
As TV’s Alison Brie once bitingly said, "Well, well, well, Harvey Keitel." Entering my second month in the city, I find that I’m missing Hanover more and more. My homesickness was massively exacerbated by the Geisel-authored snowball fight blitz (It’s hard to have a snowball fight when all the snow is entirely liquid, to use the Bristol stool chart’s terminology).
(01/22/16 9:00am)
That said, there’s a magic to the city, a way of being that is wholly separate and unique from rural life. There’s a certain frenetic energy that is bounded not by nature or by steel skyscrapers, but by people. In the mountains of Vermont, where I grew up, or in the moors and dunes of Nantucket, where I have now lived for five years, humanity never seems to reign supreme. Rather, the storms, the winds, the sun and the land seem to harbor the authority to decide the fate of buildings, streets and sometimes whole towns. But in New York, the limits are what people can do. Never, after a hurricane, would anyone think to simply not rebuild that building since it will just get knocked over by another hurricane. No, instead there exists a billion-dollar scheme to literally armor the southern edge of Manhattan against future storms. It’s like a city of 8.4 million is saying “come at me, bro” to the world.
(01/15/16 3:59pm)
So I grew up in rural Vermont. Like, really rural. There were times (about monthly when it wasn’t winter) when our neighbors’ flock of sheep would stampede up our driveway, take over the front deck and not leave for hours. Once, another neighbor threatened to shoot our dog if he kept eating their chickens (We claimed he hadn’t, but he definitely did — sorry, Mr. Bartlett.)
(11/16/15 1:33pm)
College is a time when people's political views separate from those of their parents. They branch out, experiment with new ideologies and authors and eventually form ideas of their own. A person who comes into college a conservative may leave an ardent left-winger, but someone who enters as a moderate liberal may end up a conservative. So how will college treat your views? See where you were when you entered and follow the flowchart to determine your ideological destiny.
(11/12/15 2:21pm)
On a gloomy Monday evening, we headed to FoCo to taste test the grossest looking foods being served that night. It was a particularly grim evening, and we had a lot to try — although sadly most of the foods we tried were just as gross (if not more so) than they looked. We left FoCo with our hunger notsatiated and our minds reeling from the disgust we felt at the sight of such vulgar foods.
The Soup