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(07/25/16 10:31pm)
Grab your pitchforks and come on down to our warm and exotic location, situated at the mouth of the River Styx, and work for the head honcho himself—Satan! At this competitive internship, you will work with millions of clients buying and selling souls. What could be more valuable? Special guests will eventually include such celebrities as Jordan Belfort and Bernie Madoff. Note: Creativity is a must. Customer service skills not necessary.
(06/23/16 6:25pm)
As the great philosopher Nelly foretold in A.D. 2002, "It’s getting hot in herre [sic], so take off all your clothes." And with the rising temperatures, 16X is full of reasons to de-robe, from visiting the river, copper mines and ledges for swimming, to hiking for the sake of taking that adorable and totally original picture of you topless and staring into the wilderness below, to streaking finals and other classic forms of Dartmouth buffoonery.
(05/27/16 10:55am)
"It’s so funny how everyone’s totally comfortable telling people they have food poisoning, and everyone pretty much knows what they’re talking about, but no one can ever just say they have diarrhea." This observation came around week two of the term, when roughly two-thirds of our group had fallen at the hands (fins? hooves?) of meat purchased from open-air markets. (Europe, you invented refrigeration. Use it.) However, as the term went on, I found it became a particularly apt metaphor for my experience abroad as a whole. Stick with me.
(05/02/16 11:34am)
"Lauren's mood swings are like a box of chocolates—a gift that you didn’t ask for that will sometimes reward you sweetly but will mostly disappoint you and leave a bad taste in your mouth," most of my friends and close family members said, probably.
(04/21/16 1:15pm)
Dear Diary: Wow, what a day! Today I went to the beach and frolicked in my cute new bikini and put my toes in the Mediterranean and made my awesome new friend take super adorable pictures of me the whole time! The sky was blue and the sand was warm and I was almost able to forget that I had spent the entire night prior sobbing uncontrollably, nauseous from the thought of going to class the next day and frantically texting my mother (because no one else would listen to me) using WiFi I had to pay for.
(03/29/16 2:07pm)
Hello, dear Dartbeat readers! It’s your old pal Lauren, of “How to Lose a Formal Date in 10 Minutes” infamy. You’ll be glad to know that I followed my own advice, offended not one but two dates and have had to flee the country as a result. So I’m coming to you from beyond the bubble this term.
(03/04/16 1:00pm)
The phrase “walk of shame” usually refers to returning home in the harsh morning sun after having spent the night with another individual doing things neither your mother nor College President Phil Hanlon would approve of. However, "walk of shame" has never sat well with me—in the year 2016, there’s nothing inherently shameful about an adult sleepover. In fact, there are several other walks across campus that are far worse. You should leave your hookup with your head held high and give thanks that you’re not taking one of these far more shameful “walks of shame”:
(03/02/16 1:45pm)
Friends, if there’s one thing I’ve gained from my obscenely expensive college education, it’s a keen sense of rejection and failure. Though this is mostly experienced in the classroom (EARS 002, you are a stone cold bitch, pun intended) and in the extracurricular realm (What do you mean I have to apply to help poor starving children?), this certainly also applies to my social life. As everyone knows, formal season is fast approaching, and although I do not get to attend one of my own (#freeKDE), I can still help you turn yours into a bona fide shitshow. Here are some tips to make sure that special someone leaves you alone for the rest of the night:
(02/25/16 6:11pm)
So the Greek system isn't for you. Maybe you’re a wee freshman who took one sniff of a sticky, eau-de-stale-Keystone basement and decided you would never set foot in one again. Maybe you’re a bitter senior who is “so over” the scene (or who just got bumped off line by an underclassman). Maybe your pledge new member class is starting to annoy you more than your actual siblings at home ever could. Regardless, you have set your sights away from Webster Avenue and are searching for an alternative social outlet, something to do on Friday nights so you can stop lying to your friends about why you’re not going out ("I’m sick." "The Zika virus finally caught up to me." "I have a really big paper." "I’m dead.")
(01/27/16 12:38pm)
We may have avoided the twenty-six inches that hit the Mid-Atlantic this week, but there’s snow way to avoid the truth that a blizzard in Hanover is inevitable. Blizzards make possible the Dartmouth winter fun we all love to fail at: skiing, snowball fights and trying to identify people behind big furry hoods. But with the news of an impending snowstorm also come 1) panic and 2) a boatload of questions you don’t have the answers to. Luckily, you have Google for that:
(01/20/16 11:32am)
Maybe you heard this tossed out as a "fun" fact when you toured Dartmouth for the first time. Maybe you looked around at all the disgustingly happy couples on campus and figured it out for yourself. Maybe your parents, like mine, are living proof of this terrifying statistic: Roughly 10 percent of Dartmouth graduates go on to marry each other.