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(05/28/15 11:25pm)
It’s time to pop this cherry! Your cherry? My cherry, everyone’s cherry. Maraschino cherries. And to be clear, by cherry, I mean the Dartmouth bubble. I guess what I’m trying to say is: Scoot, skiddadle! Get out of here you perv! It’s time to graduate.
(05/21/15 11:43pm)
Ahh, Green Key. There were some interesting moments at Friday’s concert. T-Pain didn’t respond to any of the multiple tweets I sent him (and have since deleted), and I’m still heartbroken. Screw you, T-Pain! Sorry I’m not a stripper (yet… graduation is fast approaching). At least I think I can beat out Mama June, Honey Boo Boo’s mom, who has recently been heading out to perform at the strip club.
(05/07/15 11:30pm)
A lot has happened in the past week. There were casualties, and there were controversies. But this reporter has lived to die another day.
(04/30/15 11:09pm)
What a week. Writing this column in the midst of crises in Baltimore and Nepal, this all feels silly. And yet here we are.
(04/23/15 10:31pm)
Netflix is releasing a new show called “Fuller House,” a “Full House” (1987) sequel set to feature the new American family. Whether this will include a same-sex marriage or obese individuals, I do not know. On that note, can we please discuss the California woman who ate a 13-pound steak dinner complete with salad, shrimp cocktail and baked potato? This story certainly invoked sweet memories of the Murphy’s cowboy steak “for two.” Bring it back, Nigel!
(04/16/15 10:07pm)
You can run, you can hide, but you just can’t avoid the 2016 presidential election hype. Joining fellow senators Rand Paul (love that he works those curls just like yours truly) and Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio has entered the ring. In fact, Rubio is in New Hampshire today! Let’s go find him!
(04/09/15 10:32pm)
When reflecting about the state of humanity the other day, I realized that there is no shortage of lies and deceit in this world. Nowhere is this more true than in the state of Florida.
(04/02/15 11:25pm)
I had a thrilling spring break. (Tons of hard alcohol involved!! Just kidding...) Two activities really stand out as the highlights of my break, though: watching HBO’s “The Jinx” (2015) (the first time...) and “Going Clear” (2015), the network’s documentary on Scientology.
(03/06/15 12:46am)
Justin Bieber has finally turned 21. In his homeland — Canada — the Biebs can legally drink. But this is America, and we play by our own rules in these parts. Like many Dartmouth students, laws certainly haven’t stopped J.B. from consuming alcohol and a variety of illicit drugs before his 21st birthday. Bieber celebrated like the king he is by hosting his party on a private Caribbean island and dancing like a rapper (whatever that means) shirtless on the dancefloor, living up to the d-bag that he is. Bieber sent out some really cogent and heartfelt tweets on February 28 (his bday is March 1st, though), including “@justinbieber I love everybody! #21.”
(02/27/15 12:54am)
John Travolta needs to keep his hands to himself. What is he trying to prove? We all know your only type is male masseurs, J.T. Travolta just couldn’t keep his hands — and lips — off of Scarlett Johansson, creeping up on her from behind on the Oscars red carpet. He puts Vice President Joe Biden to shame. (What would Joe’s Somali cab driver friends have to say about this?)
(02/20/15 12:31am)
Why did no one get me a vong for Valentine’s Day? The vong may be a far cry from high fashion, and yet it will never go out of style. Speaking of style, did you catch New York Fashion Week?
(02/13/15 12:51am)
In case you suffer from some form of amnesia, you are probably aware that Valentine’s Day is tomorrow. Naturally, I would like to devote the entirety of this week’s column to love, lust, lies and betrayal.
(01/30/15 3:01am)
Dennis Rodman still hasn’t responded to any of my tweets, so I don’t want to spend too much time talking about him this week. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, amirite? But please do visit dennisrodman.com — you won’t be disappointed. The site is an educational adventure, and I learned several things about the basketball superstar’s life. For example, he has written a children’s book entitled “The Wild Bull,” there are Dennis Rodman “action figures” and for the reasonable price of $250 dollars, you can have your very own! You can even buy an off-white fur jacket-and-pants combo for the figurine. Personally, I wouldn’t settle for anything less than the legend himself. And an invite to North Korea wouldn’t be the worst gift I’ve received. For the time being I’d even be content with a mere tweet back once in a blue moon. It’s just the right thing to do.
(01/23/15 4:54am)
Martin Luther King Jr. Day is a day where many reflective individuals rejoice for a three-day weekend. Dinesh D’Souza, however, refuses to be reflective. D’Souza took the opportunity to draw comparisons between Martin Luther King Jr. and himself. Call me crazy, but I just don’t think D’Souza represents any part of Dr. King’s legacy. Honestly, I feel secondhand embarrassment for D’Souza for having made this comparison in multiple tweets. And I thought I had a big ego. Of course, D’Souza blames his eight-month sentence at a community confinement center on President Obama’s quest for vengeance. If this were indeed the case, I can’t blame Obama for incarcerating the creep who stalked his half-brother in Kenya for his movie “2016: Obama’s America” (2012). As soon as I finished this column, Dinesh D’Souza made another series of ridiculously idiotic statements to Fox News’s Megyn Kelly. D’Souza utilized his time on air to claim that Obama “hasn’t actually had the African American experience” in this country because (a) he is not descended from slaves and (b) he lived in Hawaii, as well as Indonesia, and has “made multiple trips to Kenya.” I think that statement speaks for itself. Perhaps what confuses me most is how, despite his temporary forced removal from society, his presence still pervades all forms of media. Speaking of President Obama, who watched his State of the Union address? I watched a few minutes, but being the conscientious student that I am, I can’t spare the time to watch the entire address. Or maybe I just can’t endure an hour-long speech that could be much shorter if Obama would speak without his signature pauses between every sentence. And, of course, I can only endure the Oompa Loompa that is John Boehner for so long before I am inspired to watch “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” (2005). Before I allow my mind to wander away from the hallowed House chamber, I have a single grievance to air. My Facebook and Twitter were blowing up after Obama made the comment that he has won both presidential elections, so he is no longer on the campaign trail. If the American people think that statement was such a shocking and even badass joke (and according to my social media newsfeeds, they do), our nation is going to hell in a handbasket. Now onto the hottest topic in foreign affairs these days. I am talking, of course, about the controversy over the selfie involving Miss Lebanon and Miss Israel. My feminist instincts cause me to cringe at the idea of beauty pageants in which women parade around in bathing suits. Yet, I feel I owe it to my readership — including but not limited to College President Phil Hanlon — to weigh in on this important issue. I would like to use this opportunity to inform my fellow “Serial” fans of some semi-breaking news. (Brace yourself for another column about “Serial,” devoted readers!) I’ve got two words for you: Asia McClain. She’s back. This could blow the whole case wide open — leaving me free to snuggle up to Adnan sooner than I had ever dreamed. The real question is if the #freeAdnan movement is successful, who gets to be Adnan’s main squeeze? It’s a love triangle between one perhaps wrongly-convicted felon and two reporters. I may not have worked for the Baltimore Sun and National Public Radio (and much to my chagrin, I certainly have not won a Peabody award for my work), but I do some pretty hard-hitting reporting on these very pages. Who will win Adnan’s heart — his original confidant Sarah Koenig or his soon-to-be pen-pal, an underdog who is known to some as Marian Lurio (and to others as that ______, depending on who you ask)? Of course, Koenig will have to leave her husband (or become polyandrous, which I think is a great idea) if she’s in it for the long haul. I plan on spending my weekend writing some letters — sealed with a kiss — to send to the Maryland Correctional Facility in advance of Valentine’s Day. I don’t want to take any chances with the mail-sorting process in said prison. It’s on, Sarah. Speaking of all things taboo, Beyonce is “vulgar,” or so says former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee (who is no stranger to this column). Maybe if Huckabee’s show were still on the air and we had the pleasure of listening to the Little Rocks (the band that closes his shows), then we wouldn’t have to listen to Beyonce’s sinful music. And there you have it — all the news from this past week. No need to watch the news, read CNN.com or open those Skimm daily news emails. In the meantime, there’s no rest for the weary. A hard-hitting — and completely qualified — reporter like myself is always on the job. I’d be nothing without my fanbase, so thanks for your support and love. I would like to dedicate this column to “Anonymous” who commented on last week’s column online. Your support means the world to me. And I will continue to produce this “kitchy” “drivel” with a “lack of substance” in your honor.
(01/16/15 2:48am)
As I’m sure you already know, this past Sunday was the Golden Globes, an awards show where a bunch of white people get up and congratulate a different bunch of white people. You might be surprised to hear that I don’t actually watch awards shows. There are two major reasons for this. The first is that I never watch television broadcasts in real time. Instead, I prefer to binge-watch entire seasons of shows in a single sitting. The second reason is why would I want to watch celebrities pretending to be sane people, when I can watch real people pretending to be celebrities?
(01/09/15 4:07am)
According to the Gregorian calendar, 2015 is underway.
(11/07/14 1:41am)
Can I just replace this week’s column with former Rep. Todd Akin’s speech following his 2012 loss for some position I don’t remember? So much weirder and more entertaining than I’ll ever be.
(10/30/14 11:33pm)
Late Wednesday night, I received a push notification on my phone from my New York Times app that the San Francisco Giants had won the World Series in Game 7. My first thought was — “wait, the World Series started already?”
(10/23/14 11:11pm)
Ebola is permeating American society in every way, except in the way that is literal. Here’s hoping I didn’t just jinx myself and the American public. I’m pretty unknowledgeable about Ebola in part due to the historical truth that hard, non-quasi/pseudo-science has never been my strong suit. Despite the uncontrollable media circus surrounding Ebola, I still don’t really understand anything about the disease’s epidemiology.
(10/09/14 10:51pm)
Today’s news coming to you straight outta Pyongyang ... or not.