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It’s Green Key Friday, which means that approximately zero people will be in class. But if you’re for some reason super dedicated to your perfect attendance record, never fear: What many Dartmouth students don’t realize is that empty classrooms present valuable and unique opportunities for personal growth and discovery. Here are some ways to take advantage of your empty 11/12/2 this Green Key Friday.
Ah, yes. Here we are. We have entered the szn of pastel shorts and floral rompers. The szn of darties and rallying after waking up confused and slightly tipsy at 11:00 p.m. The szn of “if I pregame my 12, will I be sober enough for my meeting with my prof at 2:30?” Yup, you guessed it. We have entered Green Key szn. Whether you are ready or not, now is time to get shit done so you can focus on alcohol consumption and taking the perfect instagram picture this weekend. In preparation for the latter, I’ve compiled a list of the most common Green Key instas for some inspiration. In preparation for the former, well, I hope you’ve started carbo-loading.
Ah, Green Key. The one week a year every Dartmouth student — wait, did you just say WEEK? That is an example of one of the many questions freshman will be asking well … now. I for one thought this was just a two-day endeavor, but like most events on campus, why just stick to simplicity when you can pregame the pregame to the pregame three days before the pregame’s pregame? I have compiled a full-on itinerary for Green Key based on upperclassmen recommendations and realistic first-year expectations, along with a few tips to make sure you survive (key word here is survive, not thrive) the biggest event of the year. If you have no idea what to do with yourself between now and Sage the Gemini’s Grammy award-winning performance, fear not, just pull up your Google calendar and get ready to rage.
You’ve been hearing those two special words from the moment you stepped on campus: Green. Key.We get it, you’re excited. You’re confused (worst class ever). Everyone always talks about how #lit Green Key is (a marathon and not a sprint, the best weekend of your life, blah blah blah), but you just can’t understand how it could possibly be more lit than a literal 60-feet-high bonfire. When you ask upperclassmen, they just laugh at you, scoffing while saying something along the lines of, “Get your work done 3 months in advance.” Don’t worry, we’ve all been there.
’19: “If you split a 5 Hour Energy, do you get two and a half hours of full energy or five hours of half energy?”’18: "He pulled trig at the farm-to-table restaurant!"
Been counting down the days to everyone's favorite event of the term? So have we.
Alas, Mother’s Day has come and gone. And let’s be honest — were you actually prepared for it this time around? Probably not. It happens every year — you open your iCal in April to see Mother’s Day a few weeks away, thinking to yourself, I have plenty of time to get a gift/send a card/get some flowers … and I won’t forget this year! But, every year it creeps up, and before you know it Mother’s Day was literally yesterday and you still have nothing. But good news — it’s time for you to turn to some ~alternative~ methods to win back your mother’s love and affection after you inevitably disappoint her on Mother’s Day once again. Even better, all these are easily doable from the comfort of your own dorm room! Maybe next year, though, remember to send a card.
Mother's Day. According to Wikipedia, it's "a celebration honoring the mother of the family, as well as motherhood, maternal bonds, and the influence of mothers in society." For those of us who don't have moms in Hanover to celebrate, think again. The maternal energy here is palpable, and there's never been a better time to acknowledge the alternative types moms of Dartmouth.
Guess what kids, it’s almost summer time again, and everyone’s flocking to the Green like we haven’t seen grass in years. People play games, nap and read, frolicking in the sun like there’s no tomorrow. And that’s all fine and good. But what about those students who want to spend time with their friends yet don’t enjoy the usual activities? Well, this list goes out to them.
Ahhhh, college. Give a rouse for a liberal arts education and wholesome experiences that have the power to shape you as a person! However, have you ever wondered just how much these experiences have changed how you see the world? Fear not, for I can assure you that Dartmouth experiences have definitely changed you for the better.
With the new housing communities much of the excitement and mystery of room draw has been eliminated. Nowadays everyone in Allen House knows they’re on Gold Coast, but what if spiritually you’re more Topliff than Streeter? Take this quiz to find out what housing assignment you should really have, but remember it’s all theoretical because here at Dartbeat we’re all about #MDF.
If you’re a Dartmouth student, you’ve likely seen Juuls, the e-cigarettes that offer an alternative to smoking. Now, I don’t have a strong opinion on vaping as a whole, but I applaud anything that encourages people to quit using tobacco products. That said, cigarettes are pretty ingrained in our culture — just look at the number of iconic movie characters known for smoking. So, what with our current culture of alternative facts (and alternative social spaces), I decided to reimagine classic movie and television scenes. What if your favorite characters had Juuls?
Overheard at 1 a.m.: "My mom just texted me. What should I say?"Friend: "'Hey.'" ’20: “It’s friendship until you take their pants off.”
As the prospies swarmed our campus last month, I wondered if they actually were getting anything meaningful from these tours that continued to block my path through Baker-Berry Library. While hustling out of the grim Novack Café scene one day, I #overheard "This is Novack, the inspirational and collaborative hub on campus," and I almost spit out my beyond bland coffee and choked on my over-priced fruit snacks.
Yikes! You looked at your iCal on Friday to check out the fun and exciting events offered this weekend by the College to try and distract yourself from the Frats™, and you were hit by two realizations: (1) it’s First-Year Family Weekend here at Dartmouth, and (2) your family is definitely not going to be here. Maybe they’re busy, maybe they just can’t get to our convenient location in the middle of the woods or maybe you just “forgot” to tell them about it — whatever the excuse is, it doesn’t really matter. All you know is that soon there will be hundreds of moms, dads, siblings, guardians, grandparents and potentially-your-aunt-because-that’s-what-you-call-her-but-you-don’t-actually-think-you’re-related running around campus, eager to experience the wholesome and pure lives their lil’ babies have created for themselves at college. But what will you possibly do this weekend sans family? Never fear, children, for I shall walk you through your potential options:
Admittedly, I have yet to experience the disaster that will almost certainly be First-Year Family Weekend, but I’m excited by the fact that I won’t have to pay for nice meals, and I’m finding comfort in the odds that my parents probably won’t be the most embarrassing ones on campus. In speculating what types of parents mine are up against, here are a few that I know I’ll definitely see around:
It’s Friday night, and you find yourself on Webster Ave. after a treacherous week filled with overdue papers and late night “studying” on FFB. You enter the basement of Sigma Apple Pie with the hopes of releasing all your pent up angst with a paddle, ball and a few cups of Keystone Light™. Wading through a sea of crushed cups and empty beer cans, you situate yourself next to a frat bro at a table.
’21: "Wait what is ’54 Cafe?" ’19: "Uh, what?" ’21: "I don't know, like they gave me a meal ticket there."
’17: “Yeah, I read an email today saying ‘Your Juul is on its way,’ and that’s how I found out I bought one last night.” ’18: “Wait, what kind of jewel?” ’17: ….
Earlier this week, I was texting my editors about trying to be better about turning in my articles on time. This is how it went: Me: I’ll try to get you my article on Tuesday. That work?Editor #1: Great, we’ll receive it Saturday then!Me: Wow you got me, good burn.Editor #2: Where the aloe at?