Better Homecoming Traditions
With every new revelation in this year’s “Bonfire-Gate,” it’s become clearer and clearer that Dartmouth is in need of some new homecoming traditions. Regardless of this year’s bonfire (or lack thereof), it is this writer’s humble opinion that humans should be afraid of fire. So for those who, like me, would rather live to see the day after homecoming, here are some alternative traditions: since our ancestors didn’t evolve instincts just for us to run back into the flames.
The Great aaaaaaAAAAAAAHHHHAAAAaaaaaaa
Instead of playing the Alma Mater, at 6:00 pm on the night of homecoming the bell tower should sound Lady Gaga’s iconic riff on “Shallow” from A Star Is Born (Cooper, 2018). It’s a cinematic masterpiece with an obscenely fluffy dog and an unfortunate cameo by Alec Baldwin, and the cognitive dissonance created by Lady Gaga expressing qualms about inauthentic pop personas is the only thing keeping me attached to sanity. And it’s a catchy song without two centuries of harmful gender norms attached to boot!
The Big Sleep
I am very tired. You are very tired. I am not a football player, but I can imagine that the homecoming football game is tiring. All those white lines to run past! All that yelling! All those cameras! What if we all, just, like took a really good nap. Please.
A Coming Home
It is called homecoming, after all. An exciting new tradition in which the college pays for each freshman to actually go home for the weekend. While home, students can apologize to their parents for being annoying while in high school, and justify their behavior by pointing to their witty, sarcastic articles for Dartbeat.
Unironic Enthusiasm
Courtesy of @conorferrin via Twitter
The Public Health Crisis
Remember how fun Hand, Foot and Mouth disease was? Legend has it, Stanford students run out to their quad at midnight on a chosen date and make out with each other. As a result, meningitis has a field day. Let’s copy Stanford again (google their logo), so come to the green, kiss some frogs, and chant together: LET’S ALL GET MONO!