What You Googled This Week: Green Key Edition

By Joe Rode | 5/18/17 11:09am

You’ve been hearing those two special words from the moment you stepped on campus: Green. Key.

@’20s…

We get it, you’re excited. You’re confused (worst class ever). Everyone always talks about how #lit Green Key is (a marathon and not a sprint, the best weekend of your life, blah blah blah), but you just can’t understand how it could possibly be more lit than a literal 60-feet-high bonfire. When you ask upperclassmen, they just laugh at you, scoffing while saying something along the lines of, “Get your work done 3 months in advance.” Don’t worry, we’ve all been there.

Here are the things every freshman Googles before Green Key so they can look #hip (and maybe even get invited to a rush event or two!!):

ATV via giphy.com


Ah, the classic question that is at the forefront of every Freshman’s mind. Dartmouth wouldn’t be able to get the likes of Smallpools, Cheat Codes or Sage the Gemini for free, right? HA! That’d be ridiculous. Tickets are $40 at the Hop.

All college students have thought about this at some point. What you’re really thinking is: “Can I skip all three of my classes without feeling guilty?” Remember ’20s, start skipping class on Monday to prepare for the rage that is to come. It’s what all the cool kids do.

 

Only the sickest thing in the Northeast since fr@ bros started vaping on hoverboards before they started blowing up! No doubt you’ve heard about this legendary afternoon actually it’s just a giant crowd party. And if you are one of the unlucky few to have a meeting, exam or other academic obligation on Friday afternoon, we just want to say there’s a special place in Hell for those hardo profs who schedule anything during Block Party.

Don’t worry, some ’19s don’t even know what this one is. While the event itself has been since carried on by Heorot, it was started originally by God’s-gift-to-man Alpha Delta™ (#RIP #BlessUp #Article9). Luckily, Heorot will able to have some indoor festivities, too, as they didn’t try to freeze their house this year.

Lionsgate via giphy.com

Green Key is a special time for everyone, and alas the glorious Upperclassmen had info they needed to learn from Google as well.

@Everyone else …

You’re pumped. Pumped, but panicked. You knew you wouldn’t get that 10-page paper done over the weekend and now as Green Key Week™ looms ahead of you, you wander the dark halls of the Stacks, looking for a spot with a comfy chair to sit while you grind until you see the sunrise (which you can’t actually see because you’re in Annex B #BeatAf).

Here’s what all you ’19s, ’18s and ’17s Googled this week:

Via giphy.com

 

Ah, classic. Given that Green Key actually is ***SPOILER*** free, it makes sense that Programming Board cannot afford to bring the likes of Migos, Justin Bieber or Kidz Bop. So, every year you have to Google at least the opener (sometimes all three acts) to find out what kind of music they play. Still waiting for us to get someone actually good like Matty B Raps.

 

A tradition unlike any other, The Dartmouth Seven™ provides a great way for all those Coachella-wannabes to relieve some stress. It’s still a mystery whether or not the house has cameras, but I hear if you close your eyes and whisper “Hard Alcohol” three times, Phil will suddenly appear to vanquish any demons within you.

 

It’s Tuesday night. You have so much to do and so little time but hey, it’s Green Key Week! The last thing you need before you abandon your Civil War readings on 4FBeat is some justification for going out seven days in a row. You’ll pack your bags immediately once you see Abe Lincoln’s name and realize he was just as much of a degenerate as you.

 

Playing multiple games of Pong starting Sunday night at 7:00, then continuing Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday night, Friday all day and then capped off with some Saturday morning mimosa Harbor can cause some serious damage to your immune system. Sharing cups with your partner doesn’t help either, and many of us will likely end up sick following the big weekend. Rumor has it that every Sunday after Green Key, Keggy the Keg comes down from Keystone Heaven and delivers some magic Pong antibiotics to all the A-Side Frats.

Honorable Mention - @Hanover High Students

Columbia Pictures via giphy.com


Joe Rode