What You Should Have Given Up for Lent Based on Your Zodiac Sign

By Sloane Papa | 4/16/17 4:28pm

I think I speak for everyone when I say, there’s at least one thing we all should have given up for Lent. Winter term is always a rough one, and spring term can bring about a marathon of questionable choices so we all give into our weaknesses at some point or another. However, now that Lent is over, spring is in full swing and midterms are upon us, you realize there’s always one luxury you could have gone without. Here are a few things that you should have given up for Lent based on your zodiac sign: 

 

Aquarius: KAF Blueberry Muffins

Our Aquarius friends like to feed their emotions when times get tough. Stress eating at any point in the term is very real, and we all know the best comfort foods hail from the Holy Grail of food options – King Arthur Flour. When stress is high, Aquarius, you say goodbye to your DBA and learn to love those mile-long lines all for the delicious blueberry muffin. Alas, as Lent ends so begins the season of the ~darty~, and thanks to that muffin-a-day routine, you might not be quite so prepared. But do not fret – there’s always next year!

Warner Bros. Pictures via media.giphy.com

Pisces: Gossip

You, Pisces, are one of the most facetimey one of your friends, and you love to gossip. Your thought process must be, “What else was there to do during the never ending blizzard that was 17W?? How am I supposed to get through my 9L without reading all the juicy secrets of the weekend past?” Well, maybe next Lent you can tone down the gossip and tone up the time spent in Blobby actually studying – you don’t want to burn any bridges, and you can maximize facetime while minimizing the possibility you’ll have to use your NRO in EARS 2.

xoxo...

VH1 via giphy.com

Aries: Talking About Working Out But Not Actually Doing It

Aries, with your moody demeanor and tendency to be on the aggressive side, maybe it’s time to put the big talk to rest and actually go to the gym. Your aggressive side will put you at an advantage when fighting for the last available treadmill, and doing power squats will release those wonderful endorphins that can ease your moody demeanor. Of course, it’s never too late to start going to the gym…gotta get that summer bod somehow!

Comedy Central via giphy.com

Taurus: Making The Trek to Heorot in The Snow

With your stubborn attitude, you, Taurus, never fail to start your Friday night before hitting up Heorot. Even if the aforementioned blizzard from hell is upon us, you do whatever it takes to convince your friends to make the trek to Heorot with you. You constantly pester them, assuring them there is no better incentive than a house filled to the nines with beautiful athletes and NARPs alike. However, maybe you and your squad's one too many treks and your nonexistent frackest leave you cold to the core, fingers and toes feeling like they’re going to fall off. Next year for Lent, maybe try a sauna frat that’s a bit warmer, like Beta!

Walt Disney Pictures via media.giphy.com

Gemini: Picking A Frat

Saturday night has rolled around, Gemini, and it’s time to hit up the Frats™ once again. Your friends give you, oh indecisive Gemini, the power to decide where to go first. To the detriment of your legs and temperature, you end up making the full rounds of frat row, maybe even making a stop with your Taurus buddy at Heorot! There’s just too many to choose from, and you simply cannot handle the pressure of making the plans when going out. While you are probably destroying all your friends with your FitBit step count at the end of the night, the more frats you go to, the more likely you are to lose your fracket. Geminis, the nights of 17W would have been a lot calmer and warmer if you had just let someone else decide where to go for the night.

Warner Bros. Television via giphy.com

Cancer: Pretending to Do Work in Blobby

Cancer, you have a bit of a manipulative bent in you. You are often found in Blobby pretending to do work, but do not fool yourself! We all know that you’re really just surveying the premises, looking to entice someone to “study” with you. And by “study,” we really mean that you want someone to distract you from actually having to do work. Once your unsuspecting friend sits down with you, they’ve fallen into your procrastination trap and will be forced to be facetimey with you. Cancer, you would have a more productive end of 17W and start of 17S if you had given up “working” in Blobby.

Nickelodeon via giphy.com

Leo: Instagram

Leos are creative, passionate and humorous, which explains why their Instagrams are #goals. But when you feel a twinge or even a sense of FOMO if you haven’t posted yet, Leo, it might be time to admit to your addiction. Leo, leave the filters and hashtags behind, put down your phone and reinvent yourselves in something worthwhile – it’s time to live that #nofilter life.

E! via media.giphy.com

Virgo: The Stacks

Virgo, you are all work and no play. You are often found somewhere in the stacks grinding… but not that kind of grinding, though. Virgo, even though Lent is over, I encourage you to step out of those dark, lonely corridors and embrace the sunshine that 17S has blessed us with. It’s time for you to leave Annex B behind and embrace the more open waters of FFB or Blobby.

Senior Gifs via media.giphy.com

Libra: Relying on Dance Parties to Meet a Guy/Girl

Libra, you get very nervous when it comes to talking to your crush. You tend to rely on dance parties to be an ice breaker, because what’s more intriguing than sweaty bodies rubbing against each other?? However, Libra, you would have had a simpler Lent and fewer broken hearts if you had given up this strategy in futile attempts to meet that special someone. Libra, I challenge you to step outside of your comfort zone, leave the incredibly hot frat basement with an all-consuming stench of Keystone behind and fight your fear of confrontation by sending that flitz.  

Warner Bros. Television via giphy.com

Scorpio: Using Find My Friends

Scorpio, you tend to be a bit distrusting when it comes to friendships and relationships. However, with the newly popular app, Find My Friends, you can have the freedom to track your friends throughout the day and see what they’re up to around campus. Scorpio, you may appear at first to be over-bearing and obsessive; however, you are in fact a true friend and only want the best for your homies. Although you see using Find My Friends as thoughtful and not at all creepy, Lent would have been a good opportunity for you to relax on this app and learn to trust your friends, enemies or significant other.  

Fox via media.giphy.com

Sagittarius: Going Out Every On-Night

You, Sagittarius, are the "go hard or go home" kind of person. You wouldn’t dare let your friends down and stay in for a night — they never know what they would be missing if you didn’t drag them to TDX on a Monday! However, after seeing the results of your finals from 17W, I think it might be time for you to put the paddle down, stop accepting the “Need 1 for harbor” messages and trade in your drink of choice for a nice glass of water. Maybe even join those Virgos in the stacks — you never know how much the grim, dark corners of Annex B will remind you of nights spent in Theta Delt. 

Universal Pictures via giphy.com

Capricorn: People-Watching in Foco

Capricorn, you like to know it all. You often find comfort in staking out a coveted spot in the middle of the dark side in Foco, spending two or three hours chatting up friends, snacking on your third bowl of cereal and scanning the room for the next person to drag into sitting with you. Your daily routine tends to involve hanging around Pisces, whose gossip encourages the people-watching, and they only enable your bad habits. I know that people-watching would be extremely difficult for you to give up, so the real question is — with all of the facetime you’re getting on the dark side, who’s surveying the elusive men’s lacrosse team on the light side?!   

20th Century Fox via giphy.com


Sloane Papa

emily.s.papa.20@dartmouth.edu