An Objective Ranking of Harry Potter Organizations

By Parker Richards | 2/14/17 1:16am

At Hogwarts, as at any school of magic or liberal arts college, people divide each other. Now, this may be good or ill — and if you’re in the latter camp, I suggest you get on your hippogriff and begin the proletarian revolution posthaste — but social organization remains a basic human practice. 

So we’re leaning in: here is the definitive, beyond question ranking of Hogwarts clubs, houses and student groups. Of course, these rankings were originally British, so we’ve had to convert them from pound sterling social rankings to American social rankings; nbd, the exchange rate is good since Wizard Brexit. 

A-Side: Cool Warlocks, Sexy Slytherins and Sick Gryff Bros

A few of the Hogwarts student groups clearly fit into this group. Some things are just eternal: rude blonde kids who live in snake-infested basements are “A-side,” athletes can mope around all day and still be chill and Parvati Patil will always be “the prettiest girl in the year,” as Seamus Finnegan put it. So, A-side clubs: 

Gryffindor House: jocks, bravery, some genuinely cool people … this one’s a no-brainer. 

Slytherin House: they’re blonde, they sneer a lot, their daddies are loaded. Obviously they are all going to go work for Goldman The Ministry of Magic once they leave Hogwarts. 

The Inquisitorial Squad: This one is hard: they’ve got Crabbe and Goyle — not exactly the height of Hogwarts cool — and too much administration backing (no one wants to be Hanlon’s Umbridge’s pet), but everyone hates them, and I’m pretty sure that’s the number one qualification for A-sideness. 

Most Quidditch teams: Generally, the campus athletes — no matter their house — are on top of the world. With their “HP2” shirts (that’s “Hogwarts Peak Performance” for you non-athletic regular wizards), they can be found eating in packs at the Dark Side of the Great Hall. 

The Slug Club: Yeah, they try too hard, and yeah, they’re annoying as hell, but did you see young Tom Riddle? Let’s face it: we hate ‘em cause we ain’t ‘em. The Slug Club is straight up packed with the most talented and ~magical~ babes on Hogwarts’ campus, and inspire jealousy they do. 

Beauxbatons Girls & Durmstrang Guys: They’re only here for a year, but they are muy caliente. If you don’t got a foreign kid as your Yule Ball date, you are straight up D-side. 

Mrs. Norris: Filtch’s cat is the sly, stalker-y bomb. Get on her good side if you wanna be A-side. 

B-Side: Ravennerds, HufflePUFF and Try-Hards

This is the studious lot, the herbology geeks and the all-round good people of Hogwarts. A little odd (think: Luna Lovegood), perhaps not in the mainstream, but these are the folks who will be instrumental in bringing down Voldemort (or whatever Dartmouth’s version of Voldemort is). 

Ravenclaw House: They’re nerdy and they like riddles. It’s almost like Rowling was just trying to create one massive academic stereotype. That said, you aren’t gonna pass that potions final without your boy in Ravenclaw lending a hand, so best not mock. 

Hufflepuff House: It’s next to the kitchen. The name has “puff” in it. Cedric Diggory thought taking a bath with a golden egg was a good idea. This, ladies and gentlemen, is Hogwarts’ alternative house. They, of course, don’t care about such things as A-side and B-side — they’re just out for some righteous times. 

Dumbledore’s Army: Missed out on being A-side for seeming like they cared too much. #2xtra2bAside. 

Romilda Vane & Company: Harry’s gaggle of potential suitors — mainly younger females of the doe-eyed sort — are aggressively strange, willing to risk dignity and grace just for a shot at the big man. You might as well be a Cords’ groupie: this crap is just not worthy of an A-side ranking. (Dartmouth equivalents: you know who you are.)

Gobstones Club: I’m sorry, is that not enough information right there to make this ranking obvious? 

C-Side: What’s Left

Truly the dregs of Hogwarts society, this group is just pathetic, really. They scramble and claw for B-side status — but in vain. 

Lockhart’s Dueling Club: truly the most pathetic of all Hogwarts endeavors, the dueling club formed by Professor Gilderoy Lockhart will forever live in infamy as the worst Hogwarts student group. 

Gilderoy Lockhart Fan Girls: Is he really worth obsessing over? Really?

Hufflepuff Quidditch Team: Except for the brief interlude where Cedric Diggory captained the squad (*heart eyes emoji*), the Hufflepuff Quidditch Team has always been the worst of the Hogwarts sides, barely capable of winning matches. Sad! 

Argus Filtch: Not as cool as his cat. 

Editor's Note: A different image was initially published as the feature photo for this article. It has since been removed and replaced to avoid an unintentional connection to certain sections of the article's text. 


Parker Richards

parker@richards.com