Walk it Out: Alternative Things to March For at Dartmouth

By Marguerite Irefin | 1/22/17 2:13pm

With Inauguration Day having come and gone, people all over the country organized and participated in marches to protest the election of Donald Trump. The largest and most publicized was by far the Women’s March on Washington, with more people having attended than the inauguration in D.C. - not including the satellite marches all over the world. This got me thinking. If citizens can march for what they believe in, why can’t we? There are a few things that Dartmouth students are pretty unhappy with, so here are a few issues you could take to the streets.

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These Damn Communal Napkin Containers

You already know the drill. It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there without the individual dispensers. People are stealing napkin stations and interrogating DDS via text at every turn, and only time will tell before we either get some answers or all go out and steal the cloth napkins from Pine. Is this really the kind of world you want to raise your children in?  Are we human? Or are we napkin?

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The Banishment of the 9L

I have yet to meet a single person who actually enjoys waking up before the sun to venture to class. Does the administration not respect our sleep patterns nor value the necessity of eight-hour sleep nights to the developing adult brain, the very brain that is the reason for their entire existence? Do they even understand the unusually cold morning conditions from the comfort of their McNutt or Parkhurst offices? Do they fail to realize the occasional hangover prevents productivity at such an ungodly hour? The existence of the 9L has come too far, and if it continues to exist, who knows what comes next. If you don’t march now, it’s only a matter of time before the administration begins to implement the 5L (and yes, 5 as in 5am).

CBS via giphy.com

Relocate all the Frats (and Late Night) to Frat Row

Depending on where you live, this could be a good or bad thing, but wouldn’t it be nice to just have a one-stop shop? No more half-marathons in the middle of the night, risking both life and limb to show up to a frat that is potentially not even lit. Contrary to popular belief, we’re not all D1 athletes here, and if I could cut 35.4 miles out of my Friday night I wouldn’t be complaining. In addition, this executive decision could drastically reduce hypothermia cases on campus, because let’s be honest, frackets do little to nothing to protect from the late-night chills that plague New Hampshire in the winter. Let’s take to the streets and put these frats (and late night) within crawling distance of each other.

via caffeineisking.com

24-hour FoCo

Does anyone really have an objection to this? Drunk you loves this idea, sober you loves this idea, really stressed out you loves this idea. DDS? Maybe – but they could upcharge the swipe price, still have people willing to pay it and take our money yet again. It’s a win-win! Just imagine all the pizza and FoCo cookies you could consume. You could study there, eat there, live there ... Doesn’t sound like such a bad idea to me! Unlimited access to the dessert bar at all hours may do a number on your waist line, but I encourage people to march anyways, do it for the “treat-yo-self” movement, because treating yo self never goes off the clock, so why should FoCo?

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Moving Walkways Instead of Sidewalks

It’s not just NARPs that could benefit from this addition to campus. Sure, admissions likes to tell you we’re all outdoorsy and fit, but even the varsity athletes have trouble making the walk from the LSC to the River, which feels like crossing a small European country on foot. Why not cut some time off our walks to class, or better yet, help us promote our own ~academic rigor~ by making it possible to get to class on time with a little extra boost from the moving walkways. Sure, campus might look like an airport and sure, it might use a little bit of extra electricity to run, but your legs will thank you. The administration might increase our tuition anyways, so we might as well try and capitalize by petitioning for something helpful while we still can! I encourage NARPS and athletes alike to march for this one, and we need to let people know that cardio is a choice, not an expectation.

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So there you have it ladies and gentlemen, just a few of many issues that could be changed with a little peaceful protesting. They might not be as well-known of a cause as the Women’s March, but they're probably in the same ballpark of importance. Let’s just say the future of America is the least of everyone’s problems if we don’t get our napkins back. Soon.

Bravo via giphy.com


Marguerite Irefin