Seven Ways to Prevent Drunk People from Barging into Your Room

By Lucy Tantum | 5/16/16 7:00am

One night earlier this year, my roommate and I heard a knock on the door. We opened it to find two drunk freshman guys who proceeded to walk into our room, compliment our room décor and sit on our futon. We had a nice conversation for a while and then they left, disappearing back into the night. I have not seen either of them since.

Having a drunk person barge into your room (or opening your door to find someone already in there) is not uncommon at Dartmouth. At best, you'll have a funny interaction; at worst, you'll feel obliged to take the person home even though you have no idea where they live. If you'd rather avoid these encounters altogether, follow thesetips on keeping drunk people out of your room:

1) Pretend you are Safety and Security

Just put a sign on your door that says "5 Rope Ferry Road." This will definitely work. Just don't let the real S&S find out, or they'll be mad that you're stealing their business.

2) Divert them elsewhere

Tell them that Collis has mac and cheese bites, or that Beta is super lit right now and they should definitely go. If that doesn't work, bring them to the Russell Sage Rage Cage, turn on the colorful lights and start a #turnt dance party.

3) Yell “Get off my lawn!” at everyone

Channel your inner senior citizen and shake your bequeathed cane at anyone who gets too close. Tell them that they are interrupting your Masterpiece Classics show, disrupting your 8 p.m. bedtime and ruining the economy. When they respond, pretend to be hard of hearing.

4) Get a peephole for your door

That way, you can see who is standing outside from the comfort of your room. Alternatively, get multiple security cameras and point them at your door. If you buy them on Amazon, they’ll ship in time for Green Key!

5) Set up an intricate booby trap system

Channel your inner Rube Goldberg and fashion a complicated system of trip wires, catapults, noisemakers and water jets. You once talked to someone who took ENGS 12, so you can definitely do this, right?

6) Let them come in

But say you'll charge them — $10 DA$H for every hour of adult-sitting. They sit on your futon and you getmoney for laundry and/or Topside snacks. It's a win-win.

7) Lock your door

But it takes five extra seconds when you leave the room! And what if your roommate loses her key somewhere in her backpack? Oryou can't tell any more stories about drunk people barging in? Obviously, this is not the best solution.

Lucy Tantum