If First-Year Residential Halls Were Miss Universe Contestants

By Lucy Tantum | 1/6/16 8:39am

From the historic halls of Russell Sage to the hamster trails of the Choates, Dartmouth’s first-year housing options have a wide range of appearances and personalities – just like Miss Universe contestants! But, just how would these resident halls stack up in a beauty pageant scholarship program?

Miss Russell Sage


Favorite song: “Jordan Belfort,” preferably played at 2 a.m. in the Rage Cage.

Favorite perfume: Slightly-musty-old-building scent with a subtle undertone of stale Keystone.

Pet peeve: When people spell “Russell” with only one “L”.

Talent portion: Pong.

 

Miss River


Dream travel destination: East Wheelock. She’s heard that it’s beautiful, but it’s so far away!

Perfect date: Walk down to the docks and sit there for a while. Comment on how she’s glad she lives so close to the scenic Connecticut River. Try to keep the bitterness out of her voice.

Major: Engineering, because it seems like the only option at this point.

 

Miss McLaughlin:


Favorite musician: Tie between Ill Fayze and DJ Chris Hogan.

Favorite foods: Caviar, lobster, and all of the other delicacies available in McLaughlin.

Archenemy: Fahey-McLane…because it’s like McLaughlin, but closer.

Plans for the future: Consider visiting a friend in the River Cluster for gloating purposes. Decide it’s too far of a walk, and instead relax in her luxurious two-room double instead.

 

Miss Choates


Dream job: Plumber, so she can fix the hot water.

What she looks for in a friend: Someone who lives in Fahey, so she can go there and finally take a hot shower.

Perfect date: Walk around campus scavenging for hot water together.

 

Office of Residential Life:


Most embarrassing moment: When she mistakenly told the student body that they could live anywhere, and then said they actually had to live in an assigned residential cluster.

Other most embarrassing moment: When she mistakenly told the 17s that the Fahey-McLane rooms were triples, but told the 18s that they were doubles.

Favorite game show: Family Feud.


Lucy Tantum