If First-Year Residential Halls Were Miss Universe Contestants
From the historic halls of Russell Sage to the hamster trails of the Choates, Dartmouth’s first-year housing options have a wide range of appearances and personalities – just like Miss Universe contestants! But, just how would these resident halls stack up in a beauty pageant scholarship program?
Miss Russell Sage
Favorite song: “Jordan Belfort,” preferably played at 2 a.m. in the Rage Cage.
Favorite perfume: Slightly-musty-old-building scent with a subtle undertone of stale Keystone.
Pet peeve: When people spell “Russell” with only one “L”.
Talent portion: Pong.
Dream travel destination: East Wheelock. She’s heard that it’s beautiful, but it’s so far away!
Perfect date: Walk down to the docks and sit there for a while. Comment on how she’s glad she lives so close to the scenic Connecticut River. Try to keep the bitterness out of her voice.
Major: Engineering, because it seems like the only option at this point.
Favorite musician: Tie between Ill Fayze and DJ Chris Hogan.
Favorite foods: Caviar, lobster, and all of the other delicacies available in McLaughlin.
Archenemy: Fahey-McLane…because it’s like McLaughlin, but closer.
Plans for the future: Consider visiting a friend in the River Cluster for gloating purposes. Decide it’s too far of a walk, and instead relax in her luxurious two-room double instead.
Dream job: Plumber, so she can fix the hot water.
What she looks for in a friend: Someone who lives in Fahey, so she can go there and finally take a hot shower.
Perfect date: Walk around campus scavenging for hot water together.
Most embarrassing moment: When she mistakenly told the student body that they could live anywhere, and then said they actually had to live in an assigned residential cluster.
Other most embarrassing moment: When she mistakenly told the 17s that the Fahey-McLane rooms were triples, but told the 18s that they were doubles.
Favorite game show: Family Feud.